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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to not put my wedding ring back on?

22 replies

Thistledew · 23/08/2025 21:25

DH and I are currently in a marriage that seems to be failing. We are having couples counselling but apart from helping me think very carefully about our relationship it isn’t doing much to bring us closer together. This is largely because I’m seeing no real indication from DH that he wants to. We need to spend more quality time together and to talk honestly about our relationship and where it is or isn’t going, but he seems to be doing everything he can to avoid this.

So to my wedding and engagement ring, which I have now worn for over 13 years: 2 weeks ago I got stung on my ring finger by a wasp. I took off my rings quickly as I knew my finger was likely to swell. It did, and for about a week afterwards my finger would periodically get intensely itchy and swell up again so I didn’t want to put them back on whilst it was likely to swell.

But it has now been a week since the swelling and itching has stopped and I could put them back on. Am I being a dick in waiting to see if DH actually asks me about wearing them and whether I plan to put them back on again?

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 23/08/2025 21:30

I think you are just asking to rock the boat and it’s petty to just see if he notices or not/asks or not.

Betsy95 · 23/08/2025 21:32

I think it’s probably just inflammatory not to put them back on and will send the signal you aren’t interested in resolving the issues

Myjobisridiculous · 23/08/2025 21:33

Depends what you want to achieve!
Relationships aren’t a game.

Blackbookofsmiles1 · 23/08/2025 21:33

Yes it’s game playing and things like that never end well. Don’t play silly games or you win silly prizes.

I assume you have asked him why he struggles to put in quality time, what did he say? Does he feel like this is all a loose end?

Cannedlaughter · 23/08/2025 21:34

That’s setting an argument or upset up. I’m not sure why you’d do that.

Thingsthatgo · 23/08/2025 21:35

I was going to say YANBU until I read the last bit. If you are not happy in your marriage and your separation is imminent then I don’t see any reason to wear the rings. However, it feels like a test, which is not cool. It will not help your marriage in any way, it’s just point scoring. I love my husband very much, but I might not notice if he took his wedding ring off.

happyLittleAG · 23/08/2025 21:37

No, I think that’s alright

Cardinalita90 · 23/08/2025 21:55

Sometimes small things can be the straw that breaks the camel's back so I wouldn't unless you're prepared for all possible consequences.

happyLittleAG · 23/08/2025 22:09

Would it not be easy enough to play off as OP simply “forgot” to put the ring back on if her H asks ? I feel like PP are being a bit dramatic

Gimpee · 23/08/2025 22:17

Why did you go to counselling? Have honest talk about issues. Over time people change what u both wanted 13 years ago maybe not what you want now, if its not working then walk away you only have one life do what makes you happy

bosqueverde · 23/08/2025 22:57

So you wait, he asks, but the fact you waited becomes a reason to bicker.

If you're looking for reasons to bicker, just end the relationship. It will save you time.

AmyDuPlantier · 23/08/2025 23:05

I stopped wearing mine two years ago when my marriage stopped feeling like a happy place. He never ever asked me about it, and now we’re getting (amicably and mutually) divorced.

Me not wearing them was a big sign, and him not noticing was just as big tbh.

MoFadaCromulent · 23/08/2025 23:11

It's petty passive aggressive bullshit that you want to have plausible deniability about and make him the bad guy.

Can hardly moan about not seeing signs about him being serious about saying the relationship when you're putting out signals that you're actively checking out

Original poster
Thistledew · 23/08/2025 23:13

I would love to bicker, fight, argue about it - I mean ideally to have a heartfelt and genuine conversation, but that seems a particularly long shot. He makes all the right noises about spending quality time together in the evenings or talking honestly about the state of our relationship, but it never happens. I asked him specifically if he could make a point of arranging some ‘date nights’ - even just to spend the evening at home talking/playing a board game/ connecting somehow - as I do literally 95% of that sort of organising in our relationship and it would mean a huge amount to me to see him put in some effort. But he told me a few months ago that it would be “too much pressure” to arrange this.

He also makes the right noises in counselling about us having conversations about the state of our relationship and what we actually want from it, but whenever I try to initiate something there is always a reason why tonight is not a good night.

He says he wants a future with me and wants to rebuild our relationship. I’d just like some concrete indication that this is true. If his lack of interest in whether I intend to put the rings back on is the closest thing I will get to communication, then so be it. I guess that is my answer.

OP posts:
Gimpee · 23/08/2025 23:14

I didn't wear mine often as he kept pawning it

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 23/08/2025 23:18

I think I would maybe use the rings as a conversation starter. Tell him that now the swelling has gone down that you know you could put them back on, but that it feels disingenuous to wear a symbol of an everlasting commitment when you don’t feel that way, and maybe put a time limit on it, that if in eg a month (or 6 months) you both feel like your marriage is moving in the right direction, you’d like him to take the initiative to offer to put your ring back on for you.

If it isn’t feeling like things are improving then you’ll sit down in a month (or 6 whatever feels right) and discuss how to amicably separate. Life is too short for playing games, so don’t wait for him to notice. But its also too short to be stuck in a shitty relationship.

Gimpee · 23/08/2025 23:52

He sounds apathetic too much pressure to sort out a night out or something to do together? Is he depressed, problems at work? Has he changed or was he always like this and before you didn't notice? Do you have kids, if yes what age, and your ages? Marriage is hard work my parents going to celebrate 65 years next June about 15 years ago my mum said she had had enough my dad acts as if he is easy going but he is stubborn bugger and has to be the boss, he is not in good health now so my mum now does most things but she still has to put up with him shouting at her as she is trying to make him walk for his own good. I admire them for staying together they do say for better or worse in marriage vows I could never put up with worse.

AmyDuPlantier · 25/08/2025 14:58

Thistledew · 23/08/2025 23:13

I would love to bicker, fight, argue about it - I mean ideally to have a heartfelt and genuine conversation, but that seems a particularly long shot. He makes all the right noises about spending quality time together in the evenings or talking honestly about the state of our relationship, but it never happens. I asked him specifically if he could make a point of arranging some ‘date nights’ - even just to spend the evening at home talking/playing a board game/ connecting somehow - as I do literally 95% of that sort of organising in our relationship and it would mean a huge amount to me to see him put in some effort. But he told me a few months ago that it would be “too much pressure” to arrange this.

He also makes the right noises in counselling about us having conversations about the state of our relationship and what we actually want from it, but whenever I try to initiate something there is always a reason why tonight is not a good night.

He says he wants a future with me and wants to rebuild our relationship. I’d just like some concrete indication that this is true. If his lack of interest in whether I intend to put the rings back on is the closest thing I will get to communication, then so be it. I guess that is my answer.

Love, this is utterly dead in the water. What he says is irrelevant, what he does it telling you everything you need to know.

AmyDuPlantier · 25/08/2025 14:59

Gimpee · 23/08/2025 23:52

He sounds apathetic too much pressure to sort out a night out or something to do together? Is he depressed, problems at work? Has he changed or was he always like this and before you didn't notice? Do you have kids, if yes what age, and your ages? Marriage is hard work my parents going to celebrate 65 years next June about 15 years ago my mum said she had had enough my dad acts as if he is easy going but he is stubborn bugger and has to be the boss, he is not in good health now so my mum now does most things but she still has to put up with him shouting at her as she is trying to make him walk for his own good. I admire them for staying together they do say for better or worse in marriage vows I could never put up with worse.

15 years ago your mum was miserable, and now she’s trapped for the rest of her life with a husband in ill health?

I don’t think that’s to be admired, I think it’s an absolute tragedy tbh.

materialgworl · 25/08/2025 15:01

Imagine he doesn’t notice

ClaredeBear · 25/08/2025 15:06

If you feel happier without them right now, leave them off and get a feel for it - you might like it. But if you’re waiting for the husband to ask you about it, he might not notice and this might make you feel worse…especially if you think he has actually noticed but not said anything.

SunflowerTed · 25/08/2025 15:17

Thistledew · 23/08/2025 21:25

DH and I are currently in a marriage that seems to be failing. We are having couples counselling but apart from helping me think very carefully about our relationship it isn’t doing much to bring us closer together. This is largely because I’m seeing no real indication from DH that he wants to. We need to spend more quality time together and to talk honestly about our relationship and where it is or isn’t going, but he seems to be doing everything he can to avoid this.

So to my wedding and engagement ring, which I have now worn for over 13 years: 2 weeks ago I got stung on my ring finger by a wasp. I took off my rings quickly as I knew my finger was likely to swell. It did, and for about a week afterwards my finger would periodically get intensely itchy and swell up again so I didn’t want to put them back on whilst it was likely to swell.

But it has now been a week since the swelling and itching has stopped and I could put them back on. Am I being a dick in waiting to see if DH actually asks me about wearing them and whether I plan to put them back on again?

I think you have much greater issues than your rings tbh and fellas do tend to notice such things. Your time would be better spent pondering why he has no interest in saving your marriage

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