Boyfriend

[Misstrauma]

I've been with my bf for 2.5years, he's never been the complimenting type. He doesn't call me babe, beautiful nothing. I've became so insecure and feeling unworthy I've lost 2.5stone, and low and behold he hasn't complimented me on that. Went on holiday, never held my hand once, didn't compliment me in my bikini...nothing. he didn't even get pictured with me on this holiday, he has always hated getting pictures taken. But then he had an outburst and said why so you can broadcast them online. Saying to me you live a fantasy life. Beginning to wonder does he even love me. He is like am with you, so what am I doing wrong. I'd buy you whatever you want etc. My friends think his love language is presence and mine is cuddles kisses compliments. I am at the point am thinking why am I even being loyal to a guy that isn't showing me love. Can anyone give their opinion. Should I leave him? Or is this just who he is as a person.

He sounds toxic and controlling, telling you that you can’t post pictures of yourself online. What does he say when you speak with him about all of this?

It’s really unclear what positives you are getting from this relationship.

What do you like/love about him? It sounds as if he adds nothing to your life, doesn’t bring you joy or happiness.

He sounds like he doesn't like you never mind love you.

He meant pictures of us together online. It makes me think he's trying to keep someone else happy. He's no social media. He says its all folk pretending etc. Living fantasy lives. I've spoke to my mum she's like typical guy. It's not though I see guys posting their gfs, saying how much they love them etc. Now this is the guy who doesn't have any pictures of us together in his phone, doesn't have us as his screensaver. It's knocking all my confidence. He always says what am I doing wrong to you, whenever I address stuff. I said about losing 5lbs today and how he didn't compliment me. His reply you lost 5lbs today I know. Still no compliment. Even boy friends on my social media are saying how great I look, but my own bf doesnt. He's like your making yourself miserable with your other thinking. He also told my best friend when a was on phone to her, when I said about my weightloss he said she's starving herself and not eating. I only drink shakes.

There are two things here, your lack of self esteem and the fact you expect your boyfriend to change.

Well done on the weight loss, it might be an idea to work on how you feel about yourself because you don't need a man to validate you. Secondly, this is who he is and he's not going to change. Either accept him how he is or find someone more suitable.

He doesn't sound like he likes you to be honest. He's giving you the absolute bare minimum.

You deserve better and someone who supports you. Not a cold hearted bozo. Get rid already.

Also, well done on losing the weight. I'm proud of you.

Neither myself or my DH use social media (and we’re relatively young) so I don’t think that in itself means much. But this relationship is obviously damaging to your self esteem and you are not getting what you need from this man.

It would be a kindness to end things and focus on yourself for a while, bolster your self esteem.

He's a great stepdad to my wee girl. He's loyal and faithful. He's never met or even knows who his dad is, his mums an alcoholic. I dont know if this is why he can't compliment. His ex cheated all over him. So I don't know if this is why he is the way he is. If I need anything he will give me money, or take me shopping etc. It's the love language that's lacking.

Thank you. The weird thing is we have sex everyday, so my friends are like there's no issue. It's just his lack of compliments. Every morning he will kiss me and say love you and go to work. I do have severe abandonment issues, my biological mum left us at 8. So I could have emotional unstable personality, as he does say one minute am OK next amd erratic. I did go to mental health but cause I go to work and ain't suicidal they said have to just get on with it. Even though it effects my relationship, as I can react to point I will push him away or end the relationship for no reason because a fear being abandoned.

I know, but he thinks cause he's with me doesn't party, goout etc. Is loyal then how can I be feeling like this.

It sounds like you have very different attachment styles. He is avoidant, you are anxious. If you could get therapy then this could really help you.

You call him your boyfriend, yet he lives with you ? and is a good step father to your child.

' I only drink shakes.'
personally I would be concerned about this, as you cannot live the next 70 years or whatever like that.

My ex use to love bomb me, but I never once thought he would cheat, he cheated all over me. Once I had a child with him, he never did wrong ever again. I left him though as he went on drugs. In Nov he died, it hurt me and my daughter. My new partner was so loving supportive while I grieved begged me to take time off work. As I was crying all the time. I dont know if this is why am struggling, as I was loved by my ex and knew he lov3d me, but he cheated. Now I have someone who doesn't show love, so am constantly thinking he's cheating. I know he never has. But am emotionally all over the place. The reason for the weightloss aswell, I even bought my own funeral plan aswell. After my ex died. My daughter and I weren't allowed to the burial so I have struggled, with the closure it doesn't seem real. I have been horrible to my partner by saying things like my ex loved me more and just crazy stuff. And he still sticks around after all my horribleness.

Yeah he's only moved in a month ago, so not married. Neither of us want that. Not having children together either. He has none, and wants none. Yeah well it's the cambridge diet, I will eat if hungry. But he's trying to say I have an eating disorder and he's concerned. So my friends think this is why he's not complimenting the weightloss because he thinks am making myself ill. As he is always saying you need to eat, and then I say stop making me have food. So it's an issue I know. I only have 2stone to lose now. I will be OK.

I went to mental health team, they know there's something. But cause so little help available, priority is to people who self harm have thoughts and don't make work. I make work as I work with Children, and my biological mum abandoned me, so that's me living my childhood with the children in the nursery. It makes me feel safe, they need me and I love helping them learn and develop. They make me happy if am sad.

Why do you use the term ' biological ' mum she is / was your mum
did you then have an adoptive mum ? as that is usually an adoption term
or a step mum
or no other mums at all

He sounds quite grounded. Social media often does more harm than good, and lots of people are against it because of the misery that can be caused, particularly the comparisons that can be drawn.
The fact that he doesn't use SM and doesn't comment on your looks or weight loss suggest to me that he is a decent kind of bloke, and you say he clearly cares about you , is supportive, and fancies you, so really I can't see that you have anything to worry about with him.
But it is very soon after your Ex died, and even though you had been split up at the time he died, there's clearly a lot of trauma there. It sounds like you've had a really hard time, and I wonder if some counselling would help. There is a charity called Grief Encounter who do a lot of work with children who've lost family members who could help support your DD and who might be able to help you too.

I work in a mental health team. People who don’t work aren’t prioritised and people who are actively suicidal often aren’t stable enough for therapy. I think it could be worth speaking to your GP and asking to be re-referred.

It sounds like you’ve got abandonment issues from childhood which affects your relationships and self esteem now.

My dad and stepmother adopted me. I have nothing to do with my biological mum, we live in the same town. I still have my granny aunts and uncles but don't associate with her.

I've been with my bf 2.5years ex died last November, so although a always lived with it would happen because he was taking drugs. It makes me sad he always said he would never see 30, he died 6months b4 he would be 30. Our daughter is 10 now, and she would've been able to decide herself if she wanted a relationship with him. He barely seen her.

They think i could be autistic but can't test, I have to go private. I do think I could be as all 3 of my daughters have autism. I can't see grey. Am all black and white, so if I decide my bf doesnt love me I will spout everything that makes me think this. It's so bad. I live in flight and fight. And can end the relationship out the blue constantly.

Ain't you a delight!!!