Husband not sure if he wants to be in this marriage

[Cantthinkofausernamethatsuits]

This is my first post. I feel like my world is crumbling around me and I don't know what to do.

I had a hunch my husband had feelings for his female colleague. Last week he went for a drink with work friends but I have since discovered it was only the two of them. I'm ashamed to admit I found this out my reading messages between them. I confronted him today and he admitted he had feelings for her but that nothing had happened. We have two children together.

He has said he doesn't know what he wants so I have told him he has two choices. Stay and work on our marriage, or leave. We have been drifting along recently.

I am fully expecting him to leave and I am so anxious as to how this will affect our children. I would like to keep our home for them, but I just don't know if this would he possible on my income alone.

I'm unsure what I am looking for here, but it feels therapeutic to write it down. I'm not ready to talk to anyone in person at the moment. I feel like a need a plan for moving forward to do what is best for my children. Any advice would be most welcome. Thank you for reading if you have got this far!

Why are you giving him an option?

He doesn’t get to choose. Why do you think you only deserve to be an option. He’s a lying, cheating, sleazy slug.

You are worth so much more than this.

Yeah, fuck that. You're heading into the pick me dance' Territory. Take control op

I guess I haven't really taken in what has happened yet. My main concern is keeping my home for my children. All I can think about is how upset they are going to be. You're absolutely correct though, he is an utter arse and I am worth so much more than that. Still new and tough to deal with right now.

Thank you for giving me the kick up the arse that I need!

He does know what he wants - he wants to shag his colleague. Sorry to be brutal about it but it is classic behaviour. Take control of the situation. If you hadn't read the messages he would not have told you. If he leaves (or you kick him out) then he will be obliged to pay you maintenance so there would be no immediate concerns about staying in your home (but possibly there could be in the future). Good luck OP. Horrible situation. Do you have a close friend/realtion in RL that you can talk to?

I'm sorry you are going through this op. The others are right you need to take control here and not let him call the shots. Do not do the Pick Me dance, he’ll have even less respect for you than he does now. He does know what he wants op, he wants to have his cake and eat it. Do not allow this, for your sake and your kids sake. His behaviour is unacceptable - you have choices, and you have decisions to make.

Get copies of financials and go see a lawyer to see what you're entitled to.

He's dating his coworker and lying about it.

Move out for a week, leave the kids with him and tell him you want to see how he’ll cope with the 50/50 childcare that he’ll have if the two of you split up.

His consideration at the moment is this shiny new life with a coworker and no kids to look after, no cooking and cleaning to do etc.

What you need to show him is how life will really look if you split up. Him having the kids every alternate week, having to fit in school runs and childcare and washing, cooking, cleaning, homework etc, whilst also doing a full time job.

He is only able to have dates with his colleague because you’re at home watching the kids. If you’re not there he be too busy to date other women and you can have some time and space to decide what YOU want.

Tell the kids you’re going on holiday/away with work and go and stay with family/friends/a hotel for a week and leave him to it. Bring his affair out into the open, by taking away the secret was of it, he’ll just be left with the sordidness and everyone judging him for being a scumbag who cheats on his wife (& yes, having secret dates with other women is cheating, if it was all above board he wouldn’t have to lie about it would he?)

Do you really want to be with a man who is chasing other women while you’re at home caring for his kids?

You need to take back the power and make him appreciate everything you do by you not being there to do it all.

But also appreciate yourself more and realise you deserve better.

All good advice from the above. I’ve seen this situation with my own eyes. I would add I don’t think he’s feeling like this after just a few one on one drinks - if he says he doesn’t know what he wants then he’s lying. It’s either already gone further than drinks or he really wants it to.

Don’t try to persuade him - leave him to his actions and you concentrate on yourself and your kids. He needs a short sharp shock.

Thank you all for your kind advice. I really appreciate it from you all!

Time to put myself and my girls first!

Horrible situation for you OP.
But yes you definitely put yourself and your wee ones first.
He's another total fool throwing his marriage away for a bit of excitement that won't last.
All best wishes to you going forward.

I think it’s highly unlikely that nothing has happened between them. So I’d be treating this as a full blown affair tbh. And yes, fuck him! He doesn’t get to mull things over and come to a slow conclusion (which will probably be her anyway). He needs to leave, he has betrayed you hugely and his nonchalant attitude is disgusting.

He’s got a damn cheek. How old are your children?

He's already moved on. And however much that hurts, you need to toughen up around him. He doesn't get to destroy you or your children in his quest for different sex.

You'll survive, even if it takes time, and he's the one who will lose out. Be strong.

They are 10 and 8. My eldest will be 11 in two weeks.

In answer to another message about having someone to talk to in real life - yes, I have the most amazing friends who will be there for me. I'm just not quite ready to discuss with them yet.

You should speak to someone in real life. It feels scary as it makes it real but it is real. This is hurting you and you need your friends and family to rally round. You don’t need to shout it from the rooftops but one or two people you can really trust. It will also be a wake up call for him when he realises he is no longer in control of the narrative.

I was that friend for someone whose husband was going through a full blown affair. I never judged or told anyone and in the end they reconciled. I am friendly with them still and he knows I know. It was a little awkward for a while but ultimately I supported her decision as it was her life and marriage.

I agree with PP that he doesn’t get to unilaterally decide whether you should stay married. What he has done has broken your trust and ruined your relationship. If he wants to stay married he needs to do the work to fix it. You aren’t going to be able to forget this happened even if he decides not to leave. And you won’t trust him with this colleague so he would need to be willing to leave his job and show real insight into why he betrayed you and what he will do to make it right.

Consult some lawyers and start discussing the practicalities of divorce. He’s in a fantasy world right now where he can just walk off into the sunset with this OW without it completely upending his whole life and future. Give him a reality check — don’t beg for him to stay.

Remember that he will have to pay to support your two girls, thereby bringing you some more money. This might make it easier to manage the mortgage. If you divorce, what’s his is yours, including a share of whatever retirement premium he has accrued ( I believe)

A reality check would be a good idea to show the fool that the grass isn’t always greener. How dare he do this to you and your girls!