Communication problems - I really struggle to be open

[Illbefinejustbloodyfine]

Bit of background, my last relationship was abusive. Manipulative, controlling, coercive, silent treatment for weeks. It was awful and has left me with serious anxiety issues amongst other things. I've been single for many years but am in a relationship of over a year now

I really struggle with communication, being open with my thoughts and feelings. I've become very passive which I absolutely hate.

I think a lot of things. I struggle to say them. Its like I have a physical block preventing the words from forming.

I want and need to get over this hurdle.

For context, new partner is very open, easy going, loving, absolutely no issues there. He's supportive, understanding and encouraging. So its not like I fear a reaction from him. Things have definitely improved over the time that ive known him, but I want to do better for myself and our relationship.

It's very common after experiencing abuse to find it difficult to trust and be vulnerable. It might be an idea to get trauma based therapy or therapy specifically for people who have experienced abuse. You could also read up on assertiveness which is where you express yourself without aggression or passivity.

Id really love some advice if anyone has any

Just revisiting if the hope of responses.

@Illbefinejustbloodyfine
Was the first advice not what you wanted to hear?
You were given advice. Good advice even. I absolutely agree with it.

You experienced trauma. That trauma has not been healed properly and it's causing you to behave as if you were still living the trauma, while your conditions have changed.
You need trauma specific therapy to help you navigate this.

Its not that it wasn't what I wanted to hear. It was just one response. I can't afford therapy so was hoping for alternative responses.

I would definitely see your GP and get in the waiting list for therapy.

I know when I had therapy, just the ‘practice’ of saying negative or shocking (to me) things out loud and having the reaction not be what I feared was the most useful thing.

I would ask around to see if there is a free theraoy group you might be able to join. Try Women’s Aid, Mind, organisations like that.

You need to train yourself to be able to communicate, regaining that muscle that wasted away in your last relationship. With your partner's support you could start with writing down your thoughts and setting a time to read them out whilst they listen, giving you control of the situation. Work your way up to discussing issues as they arise.

@PermanentTemporary I know exactly what you mean. I've had some issues with doing perfectly normal things and having a near panic attack when it hits me that this thing would have caused an awful reaction from my ex. It has been an absolute revelation that there has been no reaction at all, and even "thanks for doing that". So these things do help.

@ClickClickety yes you're right too. I really build the smallest things up to be huge, and am left feeling, I dont know how to describe it really. It can be one sentence and I manage to get it out and its such a non event. Which is what it should be of course.

There’s no alternative, though. Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? Does your employer offer any therapy through the EAP? Can you cut back elsewhere? It’s been probably the best investment I’ve ever made in myself, even when I was cutting back on food to afford it.

This is honestly not a very helpful response.

It’s a blunt one. I was very poor at different points in my life where I had therapy, but I cut back in order to afford it, because without it I’d probably be dead, or living a small, cramped, frightened life. I had a PT night job at one point on top of my day job just in order to fund a therapy session weekly. Some therapists have discount schemes, too. Some employers offer free access to a certain number of sessions.

You describe a life where you are dealing with unprocessed trauma, are physically unable to speak your mind, have become passive, are expecting your kind current partner to react the way your abusive ex did, experience panic. You choose whether it’s something you want to just live with or something you want to change.

Im pleased for you that you were find a solution that worked for you. Thanks for suggesting that im choosing to feel this way though.

This really resonates with me.

My ex husband would go full darvo any time I tried to communicate my feelings so I buried them for years.

I have been with DP for 3.5 years and it has taken a long time but I am definitely getting there.

In the beginning I would get so frustrated with myself as I knew what I wanted to say but I just couldn’t get the words out. I remember the first time I finally managed to speak and I couldn’t believe it when he immediately apologised for upsetting me. We have had very few issues really but if there is anything I remind myself that I am allowed to have feelings and it is not fair on dp or our relationship not to speak up.

Is you partner aware of your past trauma?

@Coldiron yes he is, although perhaps not the full extent. In all honesty, im still processing it myself despite having been out if that relationship for years. This is my first proper relationship since, and its bringing up all sorts that I hadn't realised were an issue for me.

Im so pleased that soneone gets what I mean, that the words will literally not come our of my mouth

For me it has just taken time and practice although I’m sure it would be quicker with therapy if you can get it on the nhs or through Women’s aid. Hope all goes well 💐

Thank you, yes im sure it would be quicker. I did access sone therapy through work but they weren't able to provide what I needed. They referred me through the NHS, but it seems that Im not eligible there either

Time and practice it is