How did you know

[Greenhouse78]

How did you know that you know your marriage was over did you have a gut feeling or was it something that was bullying for a while

Care to chat? What’s happened!

We have just been arguing constantly about everything and anything silly

It’s not silly. It’s upsetting you, and clearly keeping you awake.

What started the arguments? Are either of you under external stress? Have you tried to speak when things are not as heated?

No one is under stress and he is the one who starts the arguments

Try asking him what’s happening u don’t deserve to be treated like this

Could his head have been turned? Mine started being nasty and moody with me when he became attracted to someone else. He would begin arguments out of nowhere. When I looked back that was the link

It’s really hard when you’re arguing a lot and you realise one person is always starting them. It amazed me how skillfully my ex managed to do it. He was having an affair. Trying to make me look like the bad guy all the time and because he’d checked out of our relationship, he didn’t really get het up or emotional. He would just clinically engineer an argument.

But of course an affair is not a given.

Any other out of character behaviours?

Well. When the respect goes. When one person clearly doesn’t like the other. When one person checks out and focuses their energies outside the marriage.

Mine was a cheater. Yes absolutely it’s standard to pick fights and be an arse when there’s an affair. It’s because they want to justify the cheating.

Mine only just moved out. He sort of always considered himself the star attraction and I'm just the boring one, or he has never been interested in what is going on for me. When I look back I realise for a long time I thought he was amazing and was completely inthralled by him so that kind of set the tone. Over and over again he has let me down and I always just kind of blamed myself.

Last year I had to have an investigative procedure looking for cancer under a general anaesthetic. He wasn't sure if he could pick me up from the hospital as he wasn't sure what he was doing, even though I had checked his work schedule and he could have moved the things he had on. I asked someone else to pick me up and he got cross at me, and I think he was embarrassed. At the time I sort of felt bad for hurting his feelings about the whole thing. My health was all clear and then about a couple of weeks later I just got really angry like my brain had snapped. Isn't that what married people do for each other! We limped through until Christmas when he hadn't bothered to wrap the present that I had purchased for myself on his behalf to put under the tree. Then he didn't notice that I had nothing to unwrap. I just felt like there was nothing more I could do to make it work, and I was tired and done.

I asked him to move out but he wouldn't. We have two special needs kids and it would be very difficult for me and the kids to move. I then got approved for my own rental and he realised that it was over. He moved out into his own rental and I have got to stay in the family home, for which I am grateful.

It has only been a few weeks but I'm not sure if I can imagine him and I getting back together. I feel peaceful when I expect most people would be devastated their husband leaving after all this time. I kind of feel like for the last decade he hasn't really liked me. That said, he is devastated. He has aged ten years in a short period of time. He is at a complete loss. He is also acting surprised which is completely bizarre.

Jesus wept @PrincessFairyWren

This man sounds vile.

He couldn’t be arsed to pick you up from hospital?

You had to wrap your own gift from him that you bought yourself?

And you even for one second contemplate reunion with him?

He doesn’t even like you, let alone love you.

What a creepy man. So glad you are separate now.

He says that he was intending to come but that he just didn't want to tell me. It is such a constantly destabilising environment inside my brain. I can't explain it. I can't ever relax or feel like someone has my back. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes.

We come from very religious families. We have children with special needs and staying together would mean that we could provide a more stable future than poverty and relying on benefits. It is complicated.

I saw a social media clip today. It was about the dynamic of when one parter does things to hurt the other. The hurt spouse brings up these things to share how they have been hurt and the other partner accuses them of constantly starting arguments and basically blaming the hurt partner, rather than being accountable. It really rang true to me.

I also think that often one partner doesn't want to be the person who leaves. They want everyone on their side, or not have to go through the stress and cost of moving out.