Developing feelings for someone else

[mentora]

Hi guys,

I feel so evil, please don’t judge me for this. I am 22 and have been with my partner since we were newly 18. I have developed feelings for someone else and do not know whether I want to still be with my partner at all, or whether this is just a blip. I know to a lot of people this won’t be serious as I am so young, but im really scared of hurting and losing my partner as I do care for him deeply. I don’t know if I like him romantically anymore, or if I am just comfortable. Is this normal? What do I do?

I am looking to move abroad next year and travel a lot, and I don’t know if he is as on board with this as I am, so that could be impacting how I feel. I know I need to talk to him about this, but I felt this way a few months ago and we resolved it so I feel like I can’t talk about it again so soon as what can I say other than im having doubts again

you’re a different person at 22 than 18
some peopel grow together and others apart
You aren’t a terrible person just a young one and your feelings are telling you something

I know you’re right, thank you. I just feel so guilty and I don’t know what to do :( I know I sound so silly but I don’t think I can end it as I can’t imagine myself without him

You’re 22. Perfectly normal to fancy lots of people. Don’t get tied down to one person. Not yet anyway. Start worrying about that in 10 years.

End things with the current chap, see if the new one is interested. Great if he is, no worries if he’s not. Go travelling next year and have a ball.

How do you end it though? I feel horrible. I really upset him when I tried to last time and I just couldn’t bring myself to finalise it. I feel so horrible

Think if you have feelings for someone else the decent thing to do is tell your current partner the truth and let him go. Wouldn't be fair to string him along. You aren't evil though.

You can’t stay with someone because you’re worried about hurting them. You’ll hurt him even more in the long run if you stay with him and don’t really have feelings for him.

You've just got to rip the plaster off. Be nice, get to the point quickly and be firm. If he’s not the one for you, you’ll letting him go so he can find someone who really loves him.

It’s a lot more horrible to continue making him believe you have a future together when realistically, you don’t see yourself marrying him or having children with him so the relationship will end at some point. May as well do it sooner rather than later, and have some fun seeing what might happen with the other man when you’ve gained some distance from this relationship.

This is completely normal. The exact same thing happened to me when I was a little younger than you. I had outgrown him and wanted to date other men. I ended up cheating on him, I was 19 and it was a long time ago so I forgive myself but the best thing to do would have been to have told him and had a clean break. If you know you don't want to be with them anymore then the best thing is to tell them that and to do it sooner rather than later.

I’m really scared to though in case it’s a mistake and I realise I shouldn’t have

Take a tip from an old lady who's been around the block. Stop putting men at the centre of your life at such a young age. You are far too young to tie yourself down. Go travelling, see the world, embrace all it's wonderfulness and have a blast. End it with your boyfriend, you aren't the same people you were when you were 18 and that's absolutely normal. You've formed a sort of co-dependency with him which is also quite normal at your age. You've spent your formative years with him and you don't know anything else so the unknown is scary. Once you've broken away from him you'll realise there's so much more to life.

I had the same scenario 31 years ago (I am 54 now!) . I had been with my BF since I was 18 and at 23 I began to wonder what else was out there. We had a house, joint friends , cats. So I tried to imagine a life with him, walking down the aisle and children, but couldn’t . It didn’t give me the right feeling. The thing that sold it was when I tried to imagine life without him - I didn’t feel any loss. Because there were no screaming rows, no blame it felt sad as I realised it had just fizzled out. We started off on the same page and then our paths split. He may feel the same way, when I broached the subject with my bf, it turned out he felt the same way. So we split. I spent 2 fab years single and then met my now DH. Together 26 years, married for 20, 19 and 16 year old Dd’s and a dog. He was my first love but not my forever. Take a deep breath and do what you need to do. Good luck

When I brought it up a while ago he didn’t feel the same way which I feel so guilty about even now seeing his face :( I don’t think he does now either. I feel like it’s so much harder knowing there’s nothing inherently wrong; it’s just fizzled out. I will try and do it soon if I can bring myself to, we’re seeing each other tonight and tomorrow. I do still love him a lot :( I’m just scared I’m making a bad decision based on feeling comfortable

go with you’re heart ! You’re young, live life and enjoy. People change & grow. xx

I’m not so sure i would be so quick to take on board all the ‘advice’ you have received on here.
You are unsure and it’s normal to have crushes and to be attracted to other people even when you are in a long term relationship.
Think long and hard about it and the best of luck to you both, whatever you decide.