How soon is too soon?

[imcomingout]

Just that really. I've been seeing a lovely man for three months. We both have children 85% of the time, so time together is precious however, we both make the time and effort to find a babysitter. We talk everyday and we have a lot in common. All is going really well.
Recently, he raised the subject of 'bumping into each other', in our local cinema (we live in quite a small town), so that we could naturally allow our children to meet, as well as us being gently introduced to the children in a child friendly environment. I do want this to happen in the future, but am concerned it's too soon.
For context, I split from my child's father 6 years ago. I was seeing someone for nearly 18 months up until October last year, so had spent a lot of time being single and cautious. 9 months in, I met their two older children but was never allowed to meet the younger child, as their mum didn't want me to have involvement. She then went on to cause a great deal of strain on the relationship. His older children children were in their late teens and also very expectant of me (and anyone around them to be frank), to foot the bill on their behalf, very rude to me at times and were not very welcoming. They were just not kind people in short.
A few months later, he met my child who is 9. He had very little interest in them and made it clear that there seemed to be some unspoken competition between my child and his child, who was of a similar age. He was never interested in my child's achievements but would constantly talk about his own children as if they were a bit superior. I would never even look at children in a competitive manner, just be as accepting as I can. There was very little effort put into building a relationship with my little one, despite me being as receptive and supportive as I could to his older children. I ended the relationship and regretted wasting so much time.
Fast forward to now. I do want this new person to meet my child, as they have children of a similar age and is fully engrossed and engaging with things of that age group. They have a good relationship with their ex and have a set schedule with their children.

I'm just worried that it's too soon but on the other hand don't want to be in the same position as before! I don't want to fall deeply for this man, only for the children to hate each other, or us, or anything similar, and things to have to end. Part of me thinks if I do it now, nobody gets hurt and nobody's time is wasted in large measures.

I’d say maybe 6 months would be a good time. 3 months is a bit soon.

I actually dont see the harm in meeting in a natural child friendly environment. You dont have to introduce him as anything, purely a friend with kids a similar age. Children will have people coming in and out of their lives for the rest of time, its not like shes moving him in. That i agree would be a bit soon.

A bit? 😆🫣

Why do your children have to meet? Are you planning to cohabitate?

They were obviously a bad person, why did it only take them meeting your child for you to realise? It's more about you as a judge of character than how long it took for you to introduce them.

Not going to bother replying to the how long question, because you're obviously just wanting people to tell you what you want to hear.

I'm not sure I agree. It depends upon the age of the child(ren) but in my mind there's no problem with children meeting their mothers friends male or female. It's a normal and natural part of life. If it feels right at 3 months, and there haven't been any issues in the relationship then a casual meeting shouldn't be an issue, providing its not 'bigged' up.

I agree with you OP that a year is too long. Then if he hates your children or vice versa you've wasted a year. Three months does seem a bit soon though, you really don't know him well yet. Six months feels like a good compromise.

My children are adults now, but from birth to around 10, when I made new friends (usually via work) if they had similar age children we would sometimes socialise with the kids, most often without them. Most of these friends are no longer friends who I see a lot or at all (no dramas, just life moving on) and no harm has been done.

When dating, the same set up can apply, without any damage arising. If it is understood as introducing the person who is likely to be your step father, there lies madness. If it’s hanging out with a friend who also has kids, where is the harm? I think there is harm in understanding it as scenario 1 and framing it as scenario 2 to try and down play it, but where the scenario is genuinely the second, it isn’t a big deal.

People tend to lose all sense of perspective when relationships involve intimacy. If you spend time with someone who has kids, what difference does the intimacy factor have on the kids if meetings are outside the home and involve child friendly activities.

It depends on the age of the children. For any children of school age upwards being disingenuous and saying “let’s hang out with my friend and their kids” and then later revealing that you were actually in a relationship with this person and misled them would be unwise. Many children - who have already been through the trauma of family separation - would (rightly) view being misled and deceived like this as a betrayal of trust once the reality was revealed. It’s also likely that the parent would then think “oh look they all get on so well!” just because the kids are happy to tolerate the adult/ play with their kids as vague acquaintances they will rarely see and misinterpret this as a green light for the children wanting to have these acquaintances regularly in their home or, even worse, be forced to move in with them.

If the children are toddlers with no real memory of their family breakup and no concept yet of what relationships are, then fine. But having a parent deceive you into participating in a relationship that they have not yet told you about could be very damaging to trust indeed. And obviously it’s not appropriate at 3 months or 6 months to introduce them and be honest about the relationship as it’s too early to tell if it will last. So for older children neither option is in the child’s best interests.

It’s so sad that so many parents will tie themselves in knots trying to find ways to justify their preferences and desires over their children’s needs. Why the need to involve your children in your romantic life at all? Just keep home and your relationship separate. There’s no requirement to cohabit or “blend families” and force strangers into your children’s lives and/ or home.

It's not the same at all though is it? You were never planning to move in with those random work friends?

I don't think you can equate the two when so much rides on the adults & kids getting on. If your kids had said they hated hanging out with so and so from work you would have listened and stopped meeting up with them but it's entirely different in the OP's scenario so I don't think she can be quite so casual about it.

Years of therapy did help, thanks. But some things never leave.

My chaotic upbringing sure taught me what not to do with bringing men around non related kids.

He and my mom had been together for over a year when it happened.

I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you @outerspacepotato. It’s devastating.

Your mother should have protected you.

As research on the topic demonstrates, the most dangerous thing a parent can do to a child is to move an unrelated adult into their home. I cannot understand why people continue to do it.

There have been some wonderfully written responses here, with great insight and understanding. I am very grateful for the input and support.

Many thanks and kind regards.

@AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone I've known him for 23 years. We began dating 5 months ago and have been in a relationship for 3 months. I was in the army so have probably gone about 4 years in that time not seeing each other.

I agree it is too soon. I would wait 6 months, minimum.

You've known him 23 years? I thought he was a new guy?
Did I miss this piece of information before?

he met my child who is 9. He had very little interest in them and made it clear that there seemed to be some unspoken competition between my child and his child, who was of a similar age. He was never interested in my child's achievements but would constantly talk about his own children as if they were a bit superior.

This is a red card offence. You are moving the relationship in the wrong direction.

I don’t think it is necessarily too soon for them to meet in a neutral, casual way. I wouldn’t consider my DC would be permanently scarred if I agreed to meet a work mate and her DC for a day out so why would meeting a man who they know as a friend be an issue? And it is definitely worth seeing how they are around their DC and yours before you waste too much time. The harm comes when the DC then feel sidelined and deprioritised for the sake of that other person or their DC and that has nothing to do with how long you leave it.

@cloudtreecarpet it's a new relationship, yes. Perhaps a good steppingstone for those on MN, would be not to assume they know every aspect of an OPs life, or topic they are raising. To me how long I have known him counts for nothing, it's how he will treat my child that is my concern here.

@user65342 I am notoriously cautious with anyone I have in both mine and my child's circle. I think the last relationship I had has knocked my trust and my confidence. It was a very strong relationship, until I seen how competitive and dismissive he was and would have continued to be as a step parent. I don't have time for someone who will worship me but neglect my son.

I don't feel necessary for us all to be introduced yet, but I fully agree with your point and find it very logical. I'm happy to wait until six months, all going well. I won't be investing 14 months into someone again, before I make introductions. I do have a good feeling here though.

Thank you for your comment.

Why ever not? It has less to do with how he 'treats your child', surely, than whether you let an adult you've barely been in a relationship with into your child's life, and allow them to form a connection which then causes upset in your child if and when when the relationship ends.

Even if the new guy is the nicest man in the world, you would be hugely irresponsible to introduce him and/or his children to your child at three months in. Wait much longer and see if the relationship is a goer. Till then (and I would wait a minimum of a year), it's simply irrelevant to your child whether he's nice or not, because he's not your child's problem.

How long you’ve known him is surely relevant, as after 20 + years you would have a better understanding of someone’s character and behaviour. If you have absolutely no indication of how he’d be with your children, it seems you don’t know him well? Even more of a reason to be more discerning and give it more time before allowing him into your children’s lives.

No need for the snippy comment to me. Obviously I assumed you didn't know the man because that's what you implied in your posts.

I think knowing someone for 23 years makes a difference in these circumstances, it's very different to only knowing him for 5 months.

Anyway, good luck, I'll ignore your snippy comment & wish you well.