Feeling lost and scared about my marriage

[sunflower751]

Hi all,

I’m feeling really anxious and lost at the moment and don’t know where to turn, so I thought I’d reach out here for some support.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 14. Over the last 6 months, we’ve been going through fertility treatment. It’s been emotionally and physically draining, and I’ve tried to stay strong through all the medication and some mood swings caused by hormones.

Since last week, my husband has been very quiet and withdrawn. When I try to talk to him about it, he just says “I’m not happy” and doesn’t elaborate, apart from saying we’ve been arguing more recently and he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. He says he wants to ‘have a child’ but it feels upsetting to me he isn’t saying more along the lines of ‘I want to have a family together’. We’ve just been told that our next step is IVF, and he’s said he never imagined this is the path our lives would take.

Adding to everything, early in our marriage (about a year in) he cheated with a work colleague. At the time I was devastated, but we went to couples counselling, spent a lot of time and money working through it, and I genuinely felt we’d moved past it. Apart from the usual marriage niggles, things have felt okay since then. He admitted fault of the cheating at the time and said he was struggling since grief a few years earlier when his mum died which was hard to accept but I did, desperate to save the marriage.

Now, I can’t help but feel like the fertility issues have somehow brought this out – like he’s finally suggesting he doesn’t want to be married. I feel completely dragged along, anxious, numb, and deeply upset. I don’t really have much of a support network, and I’m terrified about what’s happening.

For context, we are both 35. I feel like if I leave this marriage I will probably not meet anyone else and have children, it’s such a risk. I am so upset as my dream has always to be a mum. I know he would be a good dad but I’m not sure he can be a good husband/I can live with this uncertainty. We have a dog and cat together and I’ll be so sad to split them up/not see them.
I don’t earn very well (28k a year) and I’d only get approx 25k in a divorce so I’m also so scared about if I can afford to live on my own.

I don’t know what to do – how to support him, how to support myself, or even how to make sense of all of this. I was only just processing the fertility treatment so this has completely blindsided me. Has anyone been through something similar or can offer any advice or perspective?

Thank you so much. 😢

You should have left when he cheated. Don’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t want to be married to you. Don’t bring a child into this.

Hi op
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.
Unfortunately, if he doesn’t want to be in the marriage, there’s nothing you can do except let him go.
that’s the first thing you need to find out. everything after that will work itself out.
please don’t remain in a marriage where he doesn’t love you, it will lead to cheating, broken hearts and loss of time.
Fertility treatment can make a man feel less masculine, especially if there is a low sperm count.

If he loved you with all his heart, he never would have cheated, no matter what.

He cheated in the first year of marriage. The honeymoon period.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s cheating again given what you have written.

You don’t deserve this OP, you really don’t. As soon as things get difficult he cheats or wants to bail.

You are still young enough to meet someone else, or have a child alone x

I’m sorry OP, what a horrible situation.

As PP says, if he wants to leave then all you can do is let him, and then focus on yourself going forward. I would say though that fertility issues as you know can be really all consuming, drag up some really awful and ugly emotions and it could just be that what he wants is to be out of that situation rather than actually not wanting to be married, lots of couples separate when faced with those issues.

All you can do is ask him to make his decision so that you can then take the appropriate steps accordingly.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, the uncertainty of it all must be so difficult.

Can you try to have a direct sit down conversation about exactly where he is, and what he wants specifically relating to the marriage and your future together?

If he appears uncertain, or vague, I can't help but think this is an answer in itself, as someone who doesnt want to lose you is usually vocal about it

At least once you know what his thoughts are re the future you can consider what you do next re IVF.

Thank you for your empathy. I am so lost, I literally don’t know which way to turn. He won’t give me an answer either way and turns it on me saying ‘it sounds like you’ve made the decision to end it’ when that’s not the case at all, he just won’t communicate. I don’t know how to get a decision of what he wants out of him.

I suggested couples counselling again but he won’t agree to going again.

I did what I thought was the right thing at the time. Of course I am hating myself for it now, I’ve given up the chances of ever having a much longed for child. Hurtful comments don’t help 😢

He may not even realise it himself, but he is manipulating you. He's behaving badly to push you into being the one to suggest the split. Then it can be all your fault.

Hard as it is, I think in your position I would quietly withdraw. Go for some long slow walks alone, or take a notebook to a cafe. Have a few calm, careful thinks about what you want from life. Just you. Independent of him. And think of as many ways as you can to achieve those. Ways to improve your income whether or not you stay together. Places you could afford to live that you'd enjoy spending time in if you do end up separating. Think too of how you want to feel about yourself for the rest of your life. You could live another 65 years or more! You want to be teaching yourself to feel strong and self-reliant and to find happiness in lots of different ways and places and through many different people including by yourself. Start now to develop an approach to life which doesn't depend on him in any way - not emotionally, not financially, not for your plans for the future. It could include him but it doesn't have to. This will make you feel stronger and more self-reliant, whatever happens.

Something I learned which can be useful is to ask yourself what the feeling is at the root of what you want. E.g. if you want a child (but you are worried this may never happen due to fertility issues) ask yourself what feeling you are seeking from the desire to be a mum. Is it that you'd feel 'complete' or 'normal' or 'worthwhile and purposeful in society''? Or do you want the chance to give love and help teach a child how to navigate life with kindness and confidence? To be a better parent than your own, or to replicate the happy childhood you had?Probably most of these, but once you know what feeling you most crave behind what you want, you can explore other ways to reach it if your ideal way doesn't work out.

You are still young. IVF treatment, if you need it, is possible for women well into their forties, maybe beyond. You do not have to cling to marriage with an unreliable, emotionally manipulative man.

At this point then kindly OP, you need to decide whether you’re prepared to just wait around for him to make a choice. This is your life, you are allowed to make decisions for yourself.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life married to a man who doesn’t know if he wants to be with you? Do you want to just keep waiting while he decides if you’re worth staying with? Personally I wouldn’t, life is too short to be unhappy, if someone isn’t 100% for you then you deserve to go find someone who is- even if that person is yourself.

He is telling you he doesn’t know what he wants, he’s not happy, and he isn’t prepared to communicate- I’d say he has made his decision and it’s time to go. Sorry OP I know it is rubbish.

I’m so sorry op this must be terribly difficult for you. There must be so many thought and emotions swirling. Do you think he’s cheating again? Maybe you could have counselling yourself to help you get your own thoughts in order?

I think you're making the mistake of having tunnel vision about having a child. Fertility treatment and IVF can be very hard on the strongest of couples and your husband is communicating with you that he's not happy.

Marriage guidance might be an idea, you could have a few sessions to try and talk about this with a third party who can guide the discussion. You're talking about feeling 'terrified', what of? Being alone? Not having a child? Divorce?

I’m terrified of my whole life coming crashing down. The likelihood that I may be too old to have a child IF I meet someone else in the future, having to fend for myself financially after 14 years sharing bills, being alone for the rest of my life. Just terrified of everything that I never thought I would be facing.

It’s ok OP. It will never be as scary as it is right now, not knowing is all consuming. it won’t stay like this forever. this situation will move on, one way or another, and you will be able to handle it.

i emphasise with you so much. It’s so hard right now because he isn’t able to talk to you. And it’s so hard to understand what is going on without his input so you feel caught and unable to understand your future.

there was a lovely post earlier about taking some time to yourself and trying to think about You singularly and what you want, and as odd and painful as the idea of that is, it’s a really excellent one. I recently (back in Jan) had my partner finally declare we had to split up, after two years of vague comments, and me feeling much as you are right now, caught in that uncertainty. Once I started to think about myself, it was the start of something good.

someone also commented he is in fact communicating, and that’s true. You know he’s unhappy, and he’s avoiding saying whatever is behind it. He’s also said no to couples therapy so he is overwhelmed himself.

This is him trying to get you to end it imo. He’s too weak to end it himself so is starting to treat you badly in the hopes you’ll finish it instead. Personally I think you’ll feel better if you take control rather than giving him the power. If you finish it now you could look into ivf on your own and/or start dating.

I'm really sorry OP. What you're going through is really tough.

I genuinely felt we’d moved past it

This might have been the case for you, but he likely swept his feelings under the carpet in favour of a stable life.

He won’t give me an answer either way and turns it on me saying ‘it sounds like you’ve made the decision to end it’ when that’s not the case at all

He's a coward. He doesn't actually want to be the bad guy here and be the one who is seen to have left his wife.

I think there's a valuable life lesson you could take from this, which is that a lot of men will do anything than actually just leave their partner. The sex they get at home, and emotional comfort and services they get from their female partner are just too good. They know that women can be picky, for good reason, and they don't want to face potentially months or years in a dry spell.

They will express their dissatisfaction in other ways likes cheating, abusive or neglectful behaviour, but they won't actually leave. Instead they become progressively worse partners until their female partner finally decides accept the emotional burden of leaving on her shoulders, leaving him to tell everyone how much he tried to save the relationship, that he was willing to work on things and so on.

I think that's why it's women who are statistically more likely to file for divorce, and then right wing commentators froth at the mouth at the state of modern marriage.

Unfortunately, I think you don't have a different option here. Unless you see him as someone who you could, and would be willing to co-parent with you, just for the sake of having a child, then this relationship is over.

Genuinely sounds like he’s cheating and is putting it all on you.

So he blamed his mum dying years earlier on him having an affair just after you got married? That's really manipulative behaviour on his part. He's asking you to feel sorry for him for doing something with lifelong consequences.

Now he says you sound as though you're breaking up with him. Again, he's blaming you. I'm afraid I don't think he wants the marriage to last. He wants people to blame you for a separation, instead of him. "She told me it was over - it's not my fault."

It must be really scary, I do understand that, but I'd be more scared of having a child with him and him leaving then. Time is of the essence now - you don't have time to give him even more chances and for you to suffer this kind of thing again. I'd end it - you will feel much better if you make that move rather than waiting for it to happen to you.

I'd rent somewhere for now and throw myself into tons of activities to make new friends and take your mind off this man. Stay strong, OP. We're all rooting for you.

So his grief therapy for losing his mum was to shag a colleague a week into marriage? Yeah right. OP, sorry but I think you're going to be on your own anyway. He's telling you that he wants out but he doesn't want to be the one that says it. Don't press ahead with IVF in this relationship. I've known incredibly strong and loving marriages destroyed due to the strain of it. I should start to make sensible plans to leave him.

You poor thing, OP. You have all my sympathies. I can read it in your voice how very scared you are.

But this is where you are, and this is what's happening, whether you feel scared or not. The 'risk' you speak of has already taken place and it's not something you can control. I know that is frightening, and it's unfair – but that's what it is.

You CAN control what you do next. And don't take that lightly.

How did you discover his past infidelity? Did he confess of his own volition, or did you discover? Sadly I think it's highly unlikely that this was his first and only offence. Doing this only year into marriage, I'm sorry to say, signals, a pretty shit human. You are young, meant to be in love and have everything at your feet – and that's what he chose to do.

Moving on – because that's done and you can't change it (though you can change how you view it NOW) – I think it's likely that he is making his moves now to let you know that the end is coming 1) because he's already seeing someone else or has someone in mind, 2) because he's always had one foot out the door and 3) because he's too much of a coward to take responsibility for his own adult decisions, and now his actions have fucked up not only his life but this portion of yours.

Find your strength, ditch this absolute useless excuse for an adult man, and go and discover what your life will now be. It will be different, but it won't be this. And to be frank this sounds like the very pits, and 100% not the relationship anyone should be bringing a child into.

Thanks all, update - we have separated. I am completely lost, don’t know which way to turn and so incredibly upset I’ve lost the future I thought I’d have and wasted 14 years of my life. He is evil. Who does this to another human?

He assures me he isn’t cheating and there’s not anyone else lined up but I don’t think I believe him.
All he tells me is that he’s ’not happy’ and won’t elaborate.

He hasn’t even told his family yet (I’ve given him until tomorrow morning then I will be sending messages in the afternoon). They don’t know about the cheating a year into marriage either and they need to know how he has treated me and that I protected him and stood by him a further 6 years giving him benefit of the doubt.

I am trying to stay strong but it’s so bloody hard. I’m terrified of fending for myself after so long and hope I at least get a decent payout in divorce settlement.

I can’t believe this is my life. I feel like I’m watching a film about someone else’s story.

I'm so sorry to read your update but, having read your other messages, it does sound like separating was the right thing to do even though it hurts like hell.

You are in the eye of the storm right now and it is a scary place to be but you will survive this.

Do you have family support or close friends you can confide in & be with? I hope there is someone you can lean on while you pick yourself up from this.

What is your living situation? Have you or he been able to move out or are you still living together?

Sorry Op, it was clear he wanted out. And yes he’s probably lying and there is someone else lined up. how long were you with him before you got married? Was it 7 years dating then 7 years marriage? I am wondering if he married out of obligation. He clearly was never committed.

As a pp said this is partly why women are most likely to file for divorce. Many men will do anything apart from treat their partners well or admit they want to break up. Instead they opt for treating them poorly and push for the woman to say it’s over so they reckon they can say it was her fault .
I find it so bizarre and pathetic.

Its good you at least have a job - but is there any way you can improve your earnings? Find a new job or pull some shifts in a bar on weekends in the meantime.

When he cheated on you I feel that was your cue to start looking out for yourself more and getting your ducks in order, but what’s done is done.

Moving forward you must strive to be able to stand on your two feet financially or you’re at greater risk of ending up with another man like this and tolerating his BS out of financial need. I hope you do get a decent financial settlement but you can’t or shouldn’t rely on that in the long term.

I hope you can see now that to put up and tolerate infidelity in silence is a mistake usually . The fact that he brought up his mums death to explain the cheating shows a lot about his character and that he wasn’t ready to take full accountability despite going to counselling.

Unfortunately men who get away with it don’t see the women who stick by them as being loyal - they see it as weakness or desperation. Because in most cases they wouldn’t tolerate it if the tables were turned and it was their wife cheating. And if anything the contempt they feel for their partner grows when she doesn’t walk out- and they feel entitled to disrespect you further.

Do you have any one- family or friends who you can talk to about all of this? Anyone you can stay with for the weekend to have a break and get some perspective? You need to focus on building yourself up, your own life up. You have so much life and possibility ahead of you once you let go of him- he really isn't worth it

I’m so sorry OP 💔 . You must be feeling so wretched and helpless. One thing that you can do ref future children, is to save your eggs. Then you’ll have them in case you need in future. Freeze them now as you’re the youngest you’ll ever be. Xx

ps. At the moment it’s not the future you’d planned, but you never know what will happen. You’ll get through it stronger and prepared x