How to handle friend

[Racistfriendhelp]

Changed names for this in case friend is on her. But been here for ever in one guise or another...penguin bollards, cancel the cheque etc

So am currently on holiday with. Dd, my dh, Jane (not her actual name) and her son. We have had a lovely week albeit one sided as in when we have asked what they want tondo/is there anywhere they want to go etc it is net with shrugs and apathy. But they seem to have enjoyed it.

Been out today and the topic of racism came up. In particular how times have changed and how things that were considered fine to say when we were kids (late 70's/80's) are no longer. Her ds then proudly announces that he told a racist joke at school and a black boy didn't look impressed. Proceeded to then tell the joke and Jane laughed and told him she thought it was funny. I had already said I didn't want to hear it and I amnagainst any form of racist comment etc. They know inhave mixed race family.

How the hell do i deal with this? I dont want to ruin the holiday and cause an argument but I obviously need to have a conversation with her and tell her that her and her ds comments and racism is unacceptable. Equally I need to speak to dd and explain that their jokes were disgusting etc but I cant do that in the holiday home as its not massive and there is no where private.

Dh is furious. I suspect the friendship will be forever altered...

How do I deal with this without causing a massive row?!

I think if I found out my friend is a racist, and is bringing her child up to be racist, then my view if her would be totally altered and I would no longer want to spend time in her company.

I don't think there is a subtle way of handling this. You tell your friend and her son you don't want to hear racist jokes, or racist language.
And if she takes offence then so be it. You can spend the rest of the holiday letting them do their own thing whilst you and your family get on enjoying yourselves. And when you get home you don't bother with her.

I would just back away and discontinue the friendship after you return home.

Be off with her - distant and make plans without her now and if she asks you what's wrong, tell her and then just back away.

Don't create a massive row. Just tell us straightYou don't wanna hear racist jokes and you down and gets funny. Leave it at that.There's nothing more to be said.

We all leave tomorrow so no awkwardness necessarily for the rest of the holiday, but it has been very obvious that there has been an atmosphere tonight. No conversation as such. She has just out the tv on and dh and I have spent the evening packing up the car etc.

She has always been a great friend and I am devastated at this turn of events. This is genuinely the first time this attitude has been displayed.

I hate confrontation so I am probably going to go with just distancing myself and being less available but then I feel like that is condoning her shitty behaviour.

We are if you're leaving tomorrow.Don't make a thing of it deal with it when you're home.

Distance yourself, spend little time with her.And if she asks you, why then tell her.

I would tell her as soon as you get home

I can't believe her son was actually proud of doing that. I've been in that position of the racist joke being told and someone looking at me for my reaction. It is awful. I knew enough not to react, but it sounds like this poor lad found it hard.

what outcome do you want? Do you want to carry on being friends and just for her to hide her racism? No judgement. Genuinely curious.

@EmeraldRoulette honestly at this point im not sure. I would love it if she could educate herself and alter her opinion/attitude but im not daft enough to think that will happen.

Any challenge of it will undoubtedly end our friendship. But I cannot and will not condone ot or willingly expose my dd to that sort of shite.

Anyone who's got to that age and doesn't know it's wrong.Aren't suddenly going to learn. She, ll just learn not to say it in front of you.

@Racistfriendhelp see I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself saying something.
Id have said that’s disgusting and in front of her son said that I couldn’t believe she was allowing her son to think it was ok .
So the boy knew it was horrible and it would bring him trouble in the future .
I mean they are already loosing friendships .

Tbh how much of a fiend is she if you can’t talk to her about this .

She had already told him it was funny before I could even speak. There want much I could say after that without causing a row. We were on my car and I was driving so my focus was in the road rather than calling her out.

Part of me wants to have a conversation with dd in earshot abiut how disgusted I am at their behaviour yesterday and to make sure she knows that it is never acceptable to make or laugh at those sorts of "jokes" but I am also a coward and I dont really want to end up in a row with her.

She won't see that she was racist or that her ds was. But she is definitely not the friend I thought she was.

Oh we have someone like this who has joined our family. Sue (name change) said they used the N and P word and didn't see a problem with it. In front of a family member who has suffered racism all of their life.
Then Sue got offended that family didn't like this language and said they thought it was a 'safe space' to say these racist things.
It has created an unpleasant feeling in our family because Sue's partner doesn't have the guts to stand up to her and now everyone else feels uncomfortable. We have all tried to get on with her but she has since been rude to others in the family and it is hard knowing that she is on a completely different wavelength and a loose cannon - so always wary of the next weird opinion or comment.

You already made your feelings clear, OP. What is it that you think still needs to be said? 'Racism is wrong' isn't going to come as a surprise to your friend.