Relationship struggling after first baby and mum's death

[TwinklyAmberDeer]

Hi all,
My relationship with my partner is really struggling since we had a baby last year, then my mum died a few months ago after a sudden illness. I feel emotionally distant and also have virtually no libido. My baby is now 1.5yrs and I am no longer breastfeeding but the problems have gotten 100 times worse since mum's death. My libido was low after the baby but there was still something there, but since mum, it is basically at zero interest, in anything or anyone not just my partner. I have also put on weight since pregnancy and I feel totally disgusting, unattractive and not at all sexy. Working on losing weight at the mo, exercsing and increasing my confidence but there's no quick fix.
I love him and he is an amazing father and partner, he does anything I ask, and he is building us a house at the moment, he works he's a great provider very responsible, we get on, have a great shared sense of humour, interests and values. He's not perfect neither am I. I should probably mention that I am 10 years older than him - I am 37 and he is 27.
Since baby we argue and the arguments have gotten worse and worse, it's the same old argument usually, he is in a mood for days due to having no sex. He is understanding and he does get it, he just feels like there is a big part of our relationship missing, to be honest so do I, he feels rejected. He never pressurises me but obviously him not being happy'fulfilled is pressure in itself, but I don't think I can blame him for feeling that way. But I do find his moods very hard to deal with and it triggers what are probably abandonment issues in me and a lot of childhood memories of moody parents and walking on eggshells. He is not abusive, never threatens me, or puts me down, is never aggressive. Just want to make this clear because my therapist is subtly trying to get me to leave him, I leave the sessions feeling so confused and unsettled and insecure in my relationship. My mum was in an abusive relationship for years (physical violence and total tyranny) and so obviously this is something I am very conscious of not putting my child through, but yeah my partner is the complete opposite of my step dad which is why I chose him!
I just wondered whether anyone else had been through something similar and how did you overcome it? Just looking for reassurance. I am committed to the relationship and trying to make it work.
Thank you :)

I’m so sorry you lost your mum, and at a difficult time too.

I had my first baby age 33 and my dad died when I was 3 months pregnant. My dh didn’t want any intimacy during the pregnancy (“because it’s weird when there’s a baby in you”) and then after the baby was born I was still struggling with bereavement and EBF and exhaustion as our dd wasn’t a good sleeper.

Yes our relationship struggled a lot for about 3 years. I was furious with dh for not understanding what I was going through. We didn’t stop having sex completely but it definitely dwindled. It felt like everything had changed for the worst and my dh was never good at discussing relationship problems so I started to really resent his cold and unpleasant behaviour. Looking back my dh should have realised that I had a touch of pnd along with the bereavement. He told me “it’s impossible to love someone who doesn’t love themselves” and that I was “high emotional maintenance”. Sex was not good for a long time but I did try because I recognised that it had been a significant part of our relationship before and it wasn’t fair to take that totally off the table. I don’t think we came through those years unscathed and I certainly don’t feel the same about my dh ever since. But we staggered through it and largely put it behind us. And we are still together: when he’s in a bad mood I call it out and tell him to tell me what the problem is or fix his attitude. And I no longer rely on him so much for emotional support and I don’t share my feelings or problems so he doesn’t have to deal with my issues. I don’t think I’ve come out winning, but I’m doing okay.

My first advice is that you should NOT make huge changes within 12 months of a big bereavement. Losing your mum is absolutely huge, I’ve also lost my mum and I still miss her every day (five years later). But in that first year I was an absolute mess.

My next advice is that the first two years of a baby’s life are the worst time for a relationship. It’s hell. Try to hold on to the fact that you will feel better.

My next advice would be that you can’t simply remove sex from the relationship and expect that to be okay. It’s quite likely he doesn’t care about the changes in your body as much as you do and that’s your issue. It’s difficult to say with certainty but sometimes post-baby you can get in the mood with a lot of low-stakes foreplay - and the intimacy and happy hormones that produces might do you good. Personally i don’t feel attracted to or attractive to someone who is being horrid to me. So explain to him that you need him to create a nice loving atmosphere for a few days with him properly helping out with the baby and then you’ll probably feel in the mood, might not lead to sex but could at least enjoy some adult time together?

Your therapist sounds troubling. They are not gods. If it’s not working for you find someone else who might be a better fit.

Lastly I’d ask if you saw the GP to find out if you have depression: you have been through a lot so it’s very likely.

I do hope you find a way through these really tricky times

Thank you for that thoughful reply. I have to say that my partner has never said anything like that to me (I'm sorry yours did) and has been really very supportive, thoughtful and willing to listen to me and to be honest put up with a lot of bs from me. Yes I most definitely do have absolutely horrendous PND, or maybe just D at this stage! It's never been so bad. I've always had what I guess you could call emotional problems - difficulty regulating my emotions, high stress/anxiety, sensitive. But never really depression, not like this. It's really been since my mum got ill and then died. I felt totaly apathy for about a month after the funeral. Unable to enjoy comedy shows, nothing felt the same. I'm a lot better now but definitely still not my normal self. I am really trying to do things to lift myself out of it - started changing my det, exercising daily, taking supplements, getting vit D etc. There's no quick fix I guess.

It is really helpful to hear that the first 2 years of new baby are the hardest, and the first year after bereavement too. That makes me feel like the next year or so I am going to be riding out the storm, so to speak, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't taken sex completely off the table, we were having it sporadically like maybe once a week average or maybe a bit less at times. Bit since mum died I could count on one hand. The problem is I just dont feel like I want to AT ALL. It feels disgusting to me. I've never felt this way before and not sure how to overcome it. I am attracted to my partner and he is really helpful around the house and with our baby. I really, really want to get my libido back an I have no idea how.

Anyway thanks for taking the time to read my post, understand it and reply.

Best wishes

Not enough energy to reply really carefully tonight as other posters have done, but a bereavement and a baby will leave you with much less to give to a partner.

It's normal for relationships to be strained by a baby. Mine is too. I do make an effort to do sex even though I'm disinterested, and usually enjoy it when I make that effort, because i know refusing all the time makes my partner feel unloved and unwanted. But I do wish I didn't end up feeling pestered. And I definitely feel like my body was ruined a bit by the baby and birth, something hard to talk to him about.

It's getting better over time. Keep trying to make space to nurture your relationship, it does take work!

No wonder you’re struggling with a young baby and losing your mum. That’s so hard.

Your therapist sounds wrong to encourage you to leave him. People often say not to make any big changes when you’ve just had a baby or bereavement. It doesn’t sound like the relationship is bad, just that you’re having a very tough patch.

I have a 9 month old and we split parental leave, 6 months each - so now I’m back at work, my partner is stay at home dad, and we have a very equal and caring relationship. And I still cried today because I felt sad/lost/worried about our (almost nonexistent) sex life. DP reassured me everything is fine and it’s just a moment in time, but a lot of men are not so good with words.

You’ve been through a lot. Give yourself grace. Plan some easy, low effort, low stakes fun or bonding time - for the three of you, and you and him alone if you can. Sending hugs.

Lovely replies, thank you.