To regret my decision to forgive DH

[Chocolatelover10]

About a year ago I found an email on our shared laptop which my DH had forgot to delete/forgot to sign out of his account.

It was a back and forth with a ‘mistress/dominatrix’ where he was arranging a meeting and he listed what he wanted to happen. DH admitted this meeting took place, when he was supposed to be working and was in a nearby city.

I was heartbroken, but after many painstaking weeks decided to forgive him. I knew from the email and the women’s website that there won’t have been intimate services and he seemed genuinely heartbroken at what he’d done (blamed stress and some issues we had in our relationship at the time).

A year on, it’s been increasingly playing on my mind - I don’t know why, but small things trigger it then I start questioning myself, did I make the right decision.

Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation? Forgiven and then doubted. Can you overcome it? I feel like it will never leave my mind and I don’t know what to do now.

My ex had an emotional affair and I fully believe he was gearing up to leave me, but I found out before he finished the groundwork, I forgave him and said to myself that I am giving it my all and I know I have tried my best and anything else is on him. It trashed my heart and mental health and inner peace.

3 years later we split up at my instigation as I never fully forgave and didn’t trust him. There were other issues too.

Now I look back and think about my “trying my best” stance and I think What a waste of fucking time. I should have binned him off and I would be 6 years down the line instead of 3.

leave Op, if you are still tormented by it a year later you are probably never going to get over it.

I think it’s only us having a child that has stopped/is stopping me. I always said I don’t want them to grow up with parents separated 😥

It's still in your headspace because you did nothing but rugsweep and that's a really poor way to handle infidelity.

I stayed with ex for over 20 years as I knew he would be a shit dad and make no effort with them, I have been proved right. But I had to leave and surely you deserve peace of mind and happiness too? You can’t put your kid’s happiness above yours all the time. And remember HE did this, not you.

Maybe you are right. But by that logic the only answer is to end the relationship which isn’t always easy. If he’d gone as far as being intimate e.g kissing/sex etc I’d have left without a doubt.

You didn't forgive him. You wanted to. For sensible reasons. But also didn't.

Some of the most messed up children I know have parents that tried to stay together when they should have broken up. Separation is not the only thing that hurts children.

There’s nothing wrong with growing up with separated parents. But growing up with a mum who has crushed herself and sacrificed herself? That might rub off on your child. Won’t it be better for them to see mum not allowing poor behaviour, and valuing herself?

I think the worst thing a person can do is stay for the kids. They're going to grow up observing and potentially eventually emulating a dysfunctional relationship.

This is more damaging to them IMO than a parent that is able to separate and actually be happy (rather than always feeling hurt and suspicious of their partner while married and the atmosphere that this creates).

It's ok to end it now a year later, even though you tried to forgive it at the time. You didn't even have to try at all if you didn't actually want to. This is on him, you have no obligations here.

Don't be miserable for the rest of your life if you don't want to be - there is no rule that says you have to stay, and staying isn't in the children's best interests. From my own experience, staying longer than one should can cause more damage for the kids. It would have been better had I left earlier (similar circumstances to yours).

Growing up with separated parents is better than growing up with parents who resent and don’t respect each other.

i tried so hard to get over an affair for the sake of the kids but ultimately it made me unhappy. It’s very hard to get the trust back.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what are they learning here from your example?.

What has your H done here and off his own bat to repair the emotional harm to you that he caused?.

Staying for the sake of the children; well whose sake were you staying for because it could be argued it wasn't your child's. As you have now learnt it is not easier to stay with him so I would make the break a permanent one. He has broken his family unit by his actions.

You didn't forgive him. You just said you did to try and draw a line under it.

Forgiveness isn't something you can just say, it's something you have to mean. Maybe this isn't something you're able to forgive. And thats OK, you don't have to stay with him just because you said the words.

Few questions OP, you don't have to answer just something to think about.

What has he done to help you rebuild trust and heal?

Do you genuinely believe this was his first and only time doing this and getting caught?

You don't want to leave as you share a child, but you also shared that child while your husband was planning to be unfaithful and then acting on it. Being unfaithful is not a one-off incident, it's a million little decisions along the way that at any point he could have stopped.

I was 15 years into a relationship when I discovered he was unfaithful. I did what you did, forgave and worked my socks off to try to move past it. He cheated again (he never stopped to be honest) he said when he saw how hard I was working at the relationship he knew it was gloves off, he could do whatever he liked. The more I gave the relationship the more contempt he had for me. Just be careful to not be the one doing 90% of the heavy lifting only for him to complain you are not doing enough to get over it. If you decide to stay, start building an escape anyway. Always have an escape route in case he does this again. Only you can decide if staying is worth the effort and I'm so sorry he has done this to you and your DC.

I did decide to forgive about a year ago. I gave myself two years and if I still get these stabbing pains and things wouldn’t improve then I’d leave. Things have improved but I still get the hurt feelings.
Every relationship is different. For me I guess it made sense to forgive as our relationship was in a really bad place when his infidelity happened. If it happened when I thought we were all fine and happy, I’d not have given it a chance again.
But I’m now not in a place of ‘he’d never do this to me’, so I guess the blind/naive trust I had before is gone.
I’m hoping you can make a decision soon, doubting yourself is the worst stage.

blamed stress and some issues we had in our relationship at the time

I would take him to task over a statement like that because I know better, and I know he's bullshitting you and using your ignorance to weasel his way out of this.

A man who is into being submissive, to the point where he will seek the services of a domnatrix, doesn't just do that because he's stressed (as if that's any excuse anyway). It's a deeply ingrained part of who is is, sexually.

These men find out what their fetish is very early on, and many of them accept in their youth that they'll never find a female partner who ticks all their boxes, including their sexual preferences. So, they find a woman who is as compatible with their daily life as much as possible, and resign themselves to a clandestine sex life outside of their marriage.

It would therefore surprise me if this is the first time he's done this, and there's a good chance you've just scratched the surface. I suspect he's at least had a number of inappropriate sexual contacts with women online to satisfy this part of himself at the very least.

You say you can tell there were no intimate services from this woman's website. That is ONE woman's website that you found. You have no idea what else he's been looking at, and dominatrixes do offer sexual services, even if they're not directly touching their clients.

The infidelity is it's own big problem, but other than that, I regard men like him as a liability. It's like they can't help themselves and have to put their hand in the cookie jar, so be prepared he'll do this again to you in future.