To try again or not?

[Wouldhavebeenawildchild]

I split up with the father of my children following a long period of being intensely unhappy. He was (for most of the relationship) unsupportive, hypercritical and unsociable... and financially I'd felt I was always sacrificing to subsidise his lifestyle. Since fully separating, he's always telling me that it was circumstances that caused it and he's aware of how things weren't right. He's more helpful and complementary now than he ever was before. We'd agreed to keep doing some things as coparents together because it seemed beneficial for the children. Whereas days out together when a couple were full of moaning, he now makes a real effort. He wants to make a go of things again. I'm stuck. On the one hand, he's now behaving in the way I'd requested for about a decade. He's their dad, we have history and there are times the children want us back together. On the flip side, he didn't listen until it was truly over. I don’t want to confuse our children with something that's on/off. I know statistically speaking, it's safer for them to grow up with both biological parents if its a happy home. I'm interested to know from anyone who has been in a similar situation, as the parent or grown up with parents who split then got back together, would you give it a go or avoid at all costs?

Do you want him back?

This version.. yes. If it turns out to be only like this until we're back on, I'd rather stay single.

You could try dating, away from the children without telling them and take it slow. See if things stay how they are now or if things backslide without risking your children’s stability.

It mostly comes down to if you can forgive him and not hold resentment for his past failures.

Dont even return to a lit firework.
Best advice I've ever had.

No, do not even contemplate it.

Even if what he says is true, what happens when 'circumstances' change again? But he hasn't changed. He's just changed his tactic to get you back into self-sacrifice mode.

Think how hard it is to change something about yourself - even something minor like chewing fingernails or changing dietary habits. Yet he's apparently changed his entire persona just like that. No, he hasn't.

I also don't think you are doing yourself or your children any favours by having these 'happy family' days out etc. It just muddies the waters. You can be polite, courteous and friendly, but joint activities only keep alive the hope of reconciliation for everyone. I know you are doing it for the kids, but he's doing it to get you back. Otherwise, he'd have been happily going on family days out when you were together.

I went back after a year apart, he was back to being a shit within 3 weeks but I couldn’t leave and break the kids hearts again so I had another 4 years of misery before it went badly downhill and we separated and divorced, with dire consequences for my kids. People don’t change, I’d run a mile op.

Having a present father is important but that doesn’t mean he has to live with you or you need to be in a romantic relationship with him. Don’t make this decision for the kids. It has to be a decision for you. The kids have already had the hard emotional part — the uncertainty of parents splitting. As a child of divorce I can tell you it’s the uncertainty that is the most damaging. Once things are settled and you know where you are sleeping and that both parents love you it really isn’t that important if they are in a romantic relationship. My dad was much more present as a co-parent than when he lived with us because he had to be.

It sounds like you are co-parenting well and the kids are happy. Once he realises that there isn’t a chance for reconciliation you will see his true colours. Either he will continue to be a good co-parent and put the children first or he will be selfish and difficult. If he is the latter then more proof you were right not to let him back.

If you still love him and want a romantic relationship with him then take it slow. There is no rush if things are working right now for you. He’s had 10 years of negative behaviour so what’s a few years of good behaviour before you ‘officially’ reconcile. Whatever you do don’t let the kids know until you are 100% sure. Like I said, they need security. That’s the most important thing for them.

Thanks all. There's a mix of views so far. @teenmaw that's exactly my fear (and on reflection, he was happy ensuring I struggled initially then stepped up after seeing a friend offer some practical support in my new home and not liking it). @OchreRavenavoid confusing the kids with any actual affection towards each other was my thought too. Sadly, we both had bad experiences with our own parents' subsequent partners, so I also have that fear of one of us inadvertently inviting someone detrimental into their lives...whilst I don't intend to date even if we don't get back together, I can't guarantee neither of us ever will.

I think if you were to give him a second chance, you go back to 'dating' him. You see how things go, go on dates. Don't tell the children initially.

He does not move in.

If after a year you are happy and he is showing he has made real change, maybe you could consider moving forward.

Never go back to an old job or relationship.

on reflection, he was happy ensuring I struggled initially then stepped up after seeing a friend offer some practical support in my new home and not liking it

Quelle surprise.

Listen to your doubts @Wouldhavebeenawildchild , they are trying to protect you.

Thanks. With any other person I seem to sense any BS, but not so with my ex. Writing it out has reminded me there have been a few concerns I seem to have glossed over already so to stay cautious.

I think the way they were at the beginning can confuse our brains into giving them the benefit of the doubt, all the history, what we thought we once had.

And they can be very good liars, so very believable, because they're putting the effort into achieving what they want.

How long has this behaviour change been visible?

Was there an event that triggered that change?

Do you trust him not to push a quick reconciliation or tell the kids if you decide to date him?

The fact that you were subsidizing him gives him a financial motive to get you back.

I agree with a PP that the happy family days out are a mistake. I think it's muddying the waters for both of you and your kids.

Do you want to risk him going back to his old self once you're living together again and stuck?

If he could change, why didn't he change during the long period of unhappiness you describe?

Personally, once that bell has rung, I'm done. I would not reconcile, especially with a possible financial motive.

Really good points. Not wanting to be too outing but him finding out a male acquaintance had offered practical help seemed to be the trigger. Subsidising won't be happening as my circumstances changed. He says the split helped him realise material things aren't that important, too. Allegedly the poor behaviour was unwillingness to acknowledge depression and the time alone has led to self growth. No, I wouldn't want to risk living together even if we were get back together, for years...but then I think I've been put off living with another adult for life. I definitely needed the pep-talk to remind me of the risks and take off my rose tinted spectacles, thank you.

This

No, don't go back, OP. Once he's back living with you or back in relationship the mask will come off. He's hoping that then you won't risk putting the children through the upset a second time.

I would keep things exactly as they are. Days out for the kids, and make it clear to both your children and ex-partner that that is all it can ever be. I bet you once you make it clear, you'll see a change in his behaviour/attitude.

This. Although I would cut the joint days out.

Is he receiving mental health treatment for his depression and is he doing therapy to facilitate his self growth?

I think that the trigger for his behaviour change was another man helping where he didn't and that this is not a long term significant change doesn't sound promising for permanence. It sounds like he's masking to suck you back in.