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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister and harassment.

54 replies

WishSheWouldGoAway · 20/08/2025 21:14

I've name changed for this.

I have always had a difficult relationship with my older sister. She's about eighteen months older than me. We never really liked each other.She was always a bully right from very young primary school age. She will do anything she can to put me down and make me look stupid, call me names, humiliated me, belittled me right from an early age.

Her bad treatment of me got worse. The older we got and it turned into pretty abusive behaviour and involved physical violence. I began to get aggressive back to her but the high levels of anger and constantly defending myself all through childhood and adolescence really took its toll.

Adulthood, nothing really changed.We just don't see eye to eye on anything. Instead of celebrating our differences, she constantly taunts me about how rubbish my life is compared to hers
It's just different. We may different choices in life. She ended up with a family and children. Albeit, she's divorced, and I ended up a career woman and missed my chance to have children because of an ex-partner who cheated on me and then it didn't work out with any subsequent relationships. And I became too old, really to have children. Mid forties not impossible, but Ive written it off.

Our mother became terminally ill and died.Almost two years ago. Whilst she was dying, I was the one who didn't have any children, and so my sister was of the view, that I should give up my entire life to become a full time carer for our mother, because she didn't want to go into a hospice. She was too ill to be anywhere but a hospice. She was in a bad way and could barely move.She needed full time medical care which I got her. Mum was, of course, miserable and wanted nothing more than to come home. But I couldn't be the carer without jeopardizing my job. And then what. Mum would die either way, and then that would leave me having compromised my job.

My sister's behavior towards me with so vicious and so abusive that I told her if she didn't stop it, I would cut her off.And that would be it. She didn't stop itAnd so I cut her off the day after mum's funeral, and never spoke to her again.

At the beginning, she hasn't stopped contacting me. It was constant vile, abusive messages saying, what a cunt I was for not being mom's full time carer that she would never forgive me blah blah blah blah.

There's other stuff, but I won't go into it. She got bored for a good few months but she started coming back again. A lot less abusive than before, but still quite threatening. Most recently she's realized I ve sold my house, and now she doesn't know where I live and so she's questioned me about that. That means she's actually looked at my house online and seen that it's been sold.

Most recently, she sent me messages, not understanding what she's done or why she's been cut off and telling me i'm just as much of a bit so what is it.

All I am going to say is I am not getting in contact with her again.I am sick and I am fucking tired of it i am fucking sick of her

No good will come of me.Being in touch with.However, again, I just know it.This dynamic has gone on as long as we've been alive. I have felt an untold peace ever since she hasn't been in my life anymore.

Don't actually know why I am posting. I guess if I go to the police about harassment, it will just stir her up. It might not be enough. Anyone been through this?Do they eventually give up?

And yes, she is blocked, but she uses methods of communication that can't be fully blocked such as email and it goes into spam folder, but I still see it when I go to clean out my junk folder.

OP posts:
TerminalMoraine · 10/09/2025 15:32

sesquipedalian · 20/08/2025 21:28

OP, she can send you as many emails as she likes - but you don’t have to read them! If you are deleting spam and junk, do you read the strange advertisements or requests for money, or notifications that you’ve won lotteries you haven’t entered? So why bother reading your sister’s emails? Just delete and move on.

Create a new email address and change it for your regular communication eg shopping sites, bank, utilities etc. Then you could ignore or close the old email account.

WishSheWouldGoAway · 10/09/2025 15:41

TerminalMoraine · 10/09/2025 15:32

Create a new email address and change it for your regular communication eg shopping sites, bank, utilities etc. Then you could ignore or close the old email account.

It was text this time. Sms can't be blocked either. It goes into a junk folder and you can still see it.

OP posts:
ThreePears · 10/09/2025 15:47

Would it be a real nuisance to get a new phone number? Your phone provider should be able to do it for you if you explain that it is due to harassment by text. They have procedures for dealing with this sort of thing.

unrsnblyannoyd · 10/09/2025 15:53

I would send one response by email, I’d set up a separate account so it is only used for her. In the email I would say,
Dear Sister,
I have decided that I do not wish to have any further contact with you. I do not need to nor intend to set out my reasons why, beyond to say that I am prioritising my own peace. I wish you well and hereby formally request that you do not contact me again by any means, including via third parties. Should you not abide by this request I will report this matter to the police for further action to be taken to secure my peace.
Goodbye.

You can then review the email account when you feel able and, if she doesn’t abide by your request, follow through with the report and obtain a non-mol.

Mischance · 10/09/2025 15:58

You can see it, but you do not have to read it. See her name - delete

WishSheWouldGoAway · 10/09/2025 16:00

unrsnblyannoyd · 10/09/2025 15:53

I would send one response by email, I’d set up a separate account so it is only used for her. In the email I would say,
Dear Sister,
I have decided that I do not wish to have any further contact with you. I do not need to nor intend to set out my reasons why, beyond to say that I am prioritising my own peace. I wish you well and hereby formally request that you do not contact me again by any means, including via third parties. Should you not abide by this request I will report this matter to the police for further action to be taken to secure my peace.
Goodbye.

You can then review the email account when you feel able and, if she doesn’t abide by your request, follow through with the report and obtain a non-mol.

That would follow with a load abusive texts. Any reaction will provoke a reaction ten fold.

The only response is gonna get from me is from the authorities.But I don't know what point I do it. Or if it will make things worse.

OP posts:
ThreePears · 10/09/2025 16:02

WishSheWouldGoAway · 10/09/2025 16:00

That would follow with a load abusive texts. Any reaction will provoke a reaction ten fold.

The only response is gonna get from me is from the authorities.But I don't know what point I do it. Or if it will make things worse.

Well then that is malicious communication, which is a crime.

If she really won't stop, then you are going to have to involve the police at some point, aren't you?

WishSheWouldGoAway · 10/09/2025 16:13

ThreePears · 10/09/2025 16:02

Well then that is malicious communication, which is a crime.

If she really won't stop, then you are going to have to involve the police at some point, aren't you?

Yes, but right now she isn't doing it at a Level that I want to stir it up.

It's been about three times in the last month to 6 weeks. If she increases it to levels again that she's doing it constantly than I'll see.

She's gone quiet for months before and just when I think she's gone, she's back. It's just a sounding board for me really here, as most of my friends are sick of it. Just a bit of venting really

It's been absolute justification for me because she was so vicious and so nasty, and so spiteful, and as it seems, she's the one who can't leave me alone and not vice versa. Pretty much everybody has abandoned her.Due to her vile behaviour and i'm the only one she thinks she can get round.Will it's not going to work.

OP posts:
Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 10/09/2025 16:23

Change your mobile number. Is there someone else who could monitor the comms from your sister on your behalf?

WishSheWouldGoAway · 10/09/2025 16:30

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 10/09/2025 16:23

Change your mobile number. Is there someone else who could monitor the comms from your sister on your behalf?

Not really, and i've had this mobile number for about twenty years.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 10/09/2025 16:34

I've maybe missed this, but HOW is she communicating with you? I'd have blocked her number. And her email.

You don't need to change your number, you can simply block her from getting through.

WishSheWouldGoAway · 10/09/2025 16:42

Hatty65 · 10/09/2025 16:34

I've maybe missed this, but HOW is she communicating with you? I'd have blocked her number. And her email.

You don't need to change your number, you can simply block her from getting through.

SMS - it depends on the type of phone and OS but SmS will go through and it goes into a spam folder but it still goes through. She knows this. She is devious.

Whatsapp, facebook is blocked.

She uses the method she knows will still go through: SMS

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 10/09/2025 16:44

WishSheWouldGoAway · 10/09/2025 16:42

SMS - it depends on the type of phone and OS but SmS will go through and it goes into a spam folder but it still goes through. She knows this. She is devious.

Whatsapp, facebook is blocked.

She uses the method she knows will still go through: SMS

If it's in a spam folder can you not ignore it? I'm assuming you don't have to read it unless you actually open it. I just wouldn't.

And periodically I'd delete all without opening.

WishSheWouldGoAway · 10/09/2025 17:02

Hatty65 · 10/09/2025 16:44

If it's in a spam folder can you not ignore it? I'm assuming you don't have to read it unless you actually open it. I just wouldn't.

And periodically I'd delete all without opening.

But if I delete without reading it, if she really kicks off again then I can't go to the police, as I don't have the proof

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 10/09/2025 17:21

Just ignore the spam folder. Don’t even open it just let the SMS sit there

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 11/09/2025 08:44

What do you think she is going to do? If she has threatened violence or damage to property of any sort then go to the police now, not at some point in the future if she ramps things up.

Brunettesmorefun · 11/09/2025 08:51

I’m sorry. This is a horrible situation for you. I would change my email and telephone number.

WishSheWouldGoAway · 11/09/2025 08:52

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 11/09/2025 08:44

What do you think she is going to do? If she has threatened violence or damage to property of any sort then go to the police now, not at some point in the future if she ramps things up.

Nothing like that. She's a keyboard warrior. She will just continue to goad me with nasty messages.

OP posts:
27pilates · 11/09/2025 10:37

No further advice OP, but 💐for you. Sounds absolutely wearying to have a sister like that. Her decision that you were to be the full-time carer because you are the one without children was crazy. What was stopping her being your mother’s FT carer (aside from the fact that your mother medically needed a physical hospice place). I’m sorry you’re having to put up with this crap.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 11/09/2025 10:39

WishSheWouldGoAway · 11/09/2025 08:52

Nothing like that. She's a keyboard warrior. She will just continue to goad me with nasty messages.

Then stop giving her any headspace. What's the point in reading anything she sends you?

WishSheWouldGoAway · 11/09/2025 11:02

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 11/09/2025 10:39

Then stop giving her any headspace. What's the point in reading anything she sends you?

Because I said several times already if she steps and starts messaging me in the manner, she did before again.I'll be going to the police.So I need to know.

I've had three in the last three weeks, so she's really stepping up

Do you know what I don't see the point of these boards anymore, you ar3 meant to come here for support and understanding.I posted in relationships.I didn't post in aibu. And i've got a stern change email change phone number, don't read it, and if you do its your fault.

Are you all this kind and sympathetic to someone needing a listening ear in your personal life if you are i'm surprised you've got any friends.

Thanks to those who did give constructive advice and were kind.

OP posts:
WishSheWouldGoAway · 11/09/2025 11:11

It's clearly inconceivable to any of you that anyone could be hurt buy this. I'm the youngest.I have no family left and my eldest sister has treated me like this. Nothing but abuse and demands for what I didn't do for our mother when she didn't live a finger and I did everything as it was.

Will thanks for your kindness and just saying, stop giving a head space and forget it. I trust you will find emotional hurt.So easy to get over.

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 11/09/2025 11:26

I don’t think anyone’s minimising how hurtful this is. It’s clear how much damage your sister’s behaviour has caused you. But at this point she’s harassing you, and it’s not something you should just have to tolerate. You’ve already done everything you can on your side — blocking, cutting contact, locking down your social media. The next step really is reporting it, so you’ve got it logged and the police can act if it escalates. That way you’re not giving her headspace, you’re taking control back

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 11/09/2025 11:51

WishSheWouldGoAway · 11/09/2025 11:02

Because I said several times already if she steps and starts messaging me in the manner, she did before again.I'll be going to the police.So I need to know.

I've had three in the last three weeks, so she's really stepping up

Do you know what I don't see the point of these boards anymore, you ar3 meant to come here for support and understanding.I posted in relationships.I didn't post in aibu. And i've got a stern change email change phone number, don't read it, and if you do its your fault.

Are you all this kind and sympathetic to someone needing a listening ear in your personal life if you are i'm surprised you've got any friends.

Thanks to those who did give constructive advice and were kind.

Edited

I am unclear what do you want. You haven't done absolutely everything you could - you haven't changed your mobile number, you haven't changed your email address. You shouldn't have to, but don't give her the power to get to you. If someone was harassing me by text and email, sure as heck I would change by number and email address. And report them to the police.

I get you are so very hurt by her. Her behaviour around you caring for your mother was truly awful. I am sorry for your loss. All she does is hurt you, yet she still has the means to do that because she has your number and your email address. And you read her messages. That doesn't make any of what she is doing your fault, you're just opening yourself up to being hurt by her over and over.

You say she's escalating because you've received 3 messages in a period of time. You have her emails go into a folder so they're not in your inbox but you read them. You want to know if she's escalating, but haven't gone to the police. I am at a loss as to what you want. If you want support to be non contact with her, you have that on this thread. The relationship is gone. You don't want anything to do with her, which is understandable.

Me posting to change your number and email address isn't mean or getting at you or unsupportive. It's the opposite. There's a contradiction in what you want and what you have done/are doing.

Maybe write her a letter - one you're not going to send - but which helps you unburden yourself.

BallybunionTao · 11/09/2025 12:00

Good posts sfrom @Needtosoundoffandbreathe and @SapphOhNo and others. OP, no one's dismissing your obvious stress and exhaustion from all of this, but there are things you can do that you haven't yet done -- if you want to. It may be that you don't want advice on actions you can take, but just to sound off on here, which is fine, but just say that, otherwise people will keep offering advice. And no, in an ideal world you shouldn't have to change your phone number or email address or report sibling harassment to the police, but you are where you are. Sorry for the loss of your mum. 💐

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