Advice

[WildIslander]

Hi,
I’m struggling in our marriage, we’ve been together 14 years, married 10. We live in a lovely house I renovated, and are lucky to be in a beautiful area with lots of things my wife likes such as beaches and coastal walks. We both work, me full time paying the bigger share of the bills, my wife part time.
I’ll try and keep this brief. Over the last 5 years we seem to have drifted apart, and more recently we get into small arguments out of nowhere. My wife has been anxious for some years, and despite us talking she felt she needed a counsellor, so has been seeing one for a few months. We haven’t had any sexual chemistry in over 5 years, initially it upset her to talk about it as she was menopausal, she has been to see the Dr about a complete lack of libido but to be honest, whilst it bothers me a little it doesn’t bother her at all that we are never that intimate at any level. For years we used to talk about moving to somewhere more remote, and in recent weeks my wife has told me we must move, it’s basically a deal breaker if we don’t. My parents are getting old (nearly 80), and not in great health, they have no one else locally to help them. Also I have my business here that supports us, and my friends. I know it could be an adventure moving somewhere new, but it worries me that we might move and everything else stays the same, ie - My wife remains quite anxious, easily upset, and generally unhappy. She would like me to work much less hours, I currently air 5 days a week, normally 7am to 6pm, we otherwise spend all our spare time together. I’ve always worked hard, it’s not something new.
I really don’t know whether I should just take a chance and move and hope it all works out, and if it doesn’t, at least I’ve tried, or am I just being naive and should maybe not do that. It is a deal breaker to my wife, she has said if we don’t do it soon she will have to leave me. My head feels so unclear and I just can’t reach a decision that feels right?
anyone that can give me some advice, that’ll be much appreciated as it just might help. I do love my wife but we definitely have a gap in our relationship that has developed over the last few years, and I just don’t know whether we can mend that gap? Sorry for the long post. Thank you

There's a lot of information missing.

Why does she want to move so badly? Has she thought it through? ie transport connections, support network, local amenities, entertainment etc Living rurally isn't for everyone and you two have your own health to think about. As you get older, you can be vulnerable and need family and friends around you. A Dr surgery and hospital for out patient treatment may become important. As you say your own parents need support.

Her anxiety and state of mind could be due to menopause. Has she tried HRT? It sounds like she wants to spend more time with you and feels lonely and neglected, perhaps this is something to look into. For example, planning a trip away, booking a nice restaurant and paying more attention to her.

It's a shame about complete lack of intimacy as holding hands, hugs, kissing are all part of feeling loved and desired. We need touch. Time for some open communication.

I think in your shoes I would be using this situation to appraise whether you really want to stay together. She seems to be willing to leave you AND there's no intimacy. I don't think I would uproot my life, lose my business, abandon my parents and lose my friends, for someone who isn't invested in me or the marriage.

Fwiw, I am 55 (female) and my libido is just fine. If it wasn't, I would seek help from my GP. The fact she hasn't bothered and hasn't been intimate with you in 5 years is, quite frankly, preposterous and I have no idea how you have let things muddle on like this.

Do you do anything together? Have date nights? Go on nice holidays? Is there anything worth saving here? How old are you both?

Moving house isn't going to solve any of the problems in your relationship.

You need to either fix or abandon your relationship before thinking about moving - it really won't make things any better.

We do go on holiday together, about two times a year. We do short walks and a lunch out at the weekend, and the odd night out to the cinema but that’s rarer these days.
My wife has been on Estrogen gel for a couple of years, but refuses to use HRT.
The area she would love to live in has most amenities, but it’s not a good area to earn a held decent wage in. This doesn’t seem to concern her, but to me it does as life is very expensive and I don’t want us to be struggling to get by.
As hard as it has been discussing this with my wife so far, I haven’t been able to think clearly enough to know what the right thing to do for both of us, and I know I need to to have more conversations that will inevitably be difficult yet. For information I’m in my early fifties, my wife 5 years older.

The finances are a bit strange, obviously she knows you need money to live and doesn't want to struggle either. Do you already have enough to live comfortably but refuse to cut back or consider change? Otherwise it's unusual to want to move somewhere you're going to struggle financially.

Can the two of you sit down with a big sheet of paper in front of you and do the maths about the move. Make a pros and cons list and discuss all the points.

Then have a long hard talk about why you're together and how you want the future to look both individually and as a couple.

Finance wise my wife wanted to work part time about 5 years ago, so she moved from full to part time, I’ve always been happy to support that and whilst not wealthy I make enough to support that and be able to put some money aside each month. She took a year out to try something new, I fully supported that and carried the financial burden, it didn’t work out so she went back to part time work. I have no problem with this dynamic at all.
We will sit down and discuss this further, not looking forward to it but it has to be done, we will discuss the pros and cons. I just hope that on a personal level our relationship isn’t found to be doomed, but I need to approach it with an open mind and hope I make the right decision, whatever that may be.

There's more than the finances here OP. Your wife's anxiety, her ultimatum, your parents, lack of intimacy, wanting to spend more time together. This all needs to be discussed.

Don’t do it. You’re throwing everything away on a vague hope it will work out. It most probably won’t. It sounds like she has a lot of issues she needs to address. She’s not being fair to you.

I’m really grateful for al your inputs so far, if you have any other advice I’m always happy to listen. Whilst I’ve been working I’ve been thinking things over, I think the best way forwards is to have some more frank conversations with my wife about the various issues, and how (and if) we can work these issues out together. I think I will tell her that there is no way I’m prepared to move from the area until we have worked this out. At least that way, if the worst happens and we decide the only way is to go out separate ways, I will at least have my work and my friends to support me.

Yes op, this, your gut is telling you that now is not the right time for a big move, and agree you need friends and family around right now,
Be honest but direct too, you ask first, for what reasons do you want to move , what will the benefits be for us moving, wait for answers, then you can move in with ' why you feel it's not the right time and list why you feel this, wait for her reply, then hopefully you both can continue with the conversation on how to improve things first before moving home and area,

Good luck op, you can only be open and honest and see what happens

I think that’s a really good plan.

This move is a bad idea for you.

It's taking you away from aging local family.

It's financially unsound. Your lifestyle will deteriorate because of lack of opportunity. The move will be expensive and she's unwilling to work full time. Is she hoping that she won't have to work at all if you guys move rural?

You will have to find a new friendship group and that is unlikely in a rural area.

Your wife wants you to cut your work hours to spend more time with her. She sounds incredibly needy and exhausting. She's refusing treatment that could possibly increase her quality of life. Is she getting any mental health care besides counseling for her anxiety? I'm asking because it doesn't sound like counseling is helping.

There is no mutual marital investment going on and that won't change with a rural move.

A move would leave you socially isolated from friends and family with increased financial stress and a spouse who seems to have untreated? mental health issues.

I'm getting bad vibes here and no way would I do this.

Call her bluff.

It seems to me she has zero interest in whether or not you are happy.

Ask yourself, if she did leave, like she has threatened to do, how much worse would your day to day life be.