Intimacy issues

[Justconfuse]

Hi

thanks for the amazing forum. I’ve found lots of helpful advice on here over the years.

I’m a guy looking for a woman’s point of view.

My partner has intimacy issues and I think they stem from being raped in her teens (we are now late 30s). We do have an amazing sex life but it’s usually me doing everything if you know what I mean.

She is so lovely, I love her a lot and I know she does me too but her inability to do anything other than me doing things to her is affecting us.

She hasn’t openly said that it’s due to the rape but I am suspecting this. She says it’s inexperience or not being able to meet my depends. In all honesty, I’d be happy for her to feel the freedom I feel but for some reason she’s not able to do anything.

how do i help us here? I feel out of my depth and whilst I am trying to understand how to help, i feel like it’s all one way. She can enjoy me being the one doing stuff but won’t do it back.

please don’t reply with anything sexual, I’m just looking for advice on how to help.

thanks.

Talk to her, listen to what she says and don’t put pressure on her.

My partner was raped by someone she knew years before we met and got together. It still affects her now, and in truth will affect her for the rest of her life.

If your partner hasn’t had therapy maybe explore this with her…you could broach the idea of seeing a sex therapist together and getting external help / insight.

It's difficult to know what's going on but it sounds like she has a trauma response when having sex and freezes. She might experience flash backs and relive her trauma, reacting as she did in the moment.

The Survivor's Trust has a good helpline and can recommend specialist counselling.

She might find this helpful:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-and-complex-ptsd/self-care/

So a one sided relationship is ok? What a strange take. Imagine this was the other way around, I wonder if you would say the same?

OP...Whatever you do you need to resolve this as it will only become a bigger issue in the years to come.

Is it just me or is this a really weird post

I've got no idea but it seems that you are unsatisfied and really communication is what's important.

If they are unwilling to open up about this or grow in this area it just might not be the right relationship for you.

So, brave person who has come to a great place to respectfully help the situation, I have to ask, what is stopping you from opening up this communication at this time?

Are you scared because you don't want to bring it up, (which I totally understand)? But let’s be real, you won’t get your answers here. You need to take that brave step and open up that communication with her.

First thing’s first, do not do it right after sex or before or during. Bring it up on a peaceful day. Kind of when you’ve just been hanging out for a while and having a nice time and there’s no special event happening.

So what I would say, or what I would want to hear, would be:

Hey, can I bring something personal up with you?

/yeah/

I want to talk about something that has come up for me, but I just want to start off by letting you know that [positive feelings about your relationship, like I love you so much or something, or if you haven’t said that say something else like I really like spending time together] and I want you to know that I didn't want to bring it up because I did not want to bring up any problems for you.

/Let her respond to this /

You can start slowly talking about how you have felt like in bed, lately, and have noticed that?

I don’t know her personality but she might take offence here (not your fault) or might not. Might have noticed it or might not have.

If she has noticed it- ‘Do you think there might be a reason for it?’ and the conversation can go gently from there. If you notice her getting angry or offended at any point, I would probably say ‘hey maybe we should leave this conversation for later’ and just give things some time to cool off.

it is a real post.

I'm at a loss as to how to help. I love her so much but she won’t touch me and I don’t know why.

it’s a very real post.

Oh OP,

Your sweet reply almost broke my heart. I hope my response helps you.

Communication is the starting step to help all problems.

Thank you.

when we’ve talked about it she shuts down very quickly and it becomes a difficult conversation.

She might find it easier to talk to someone she doesn’t know about it.

The Supporters Trust recommended in a post above is a good place to start.

Be supportive of her, don’t be pushy and let her know how much you love her.

Run a mile