I have one DS 2.5 - been a single parent since very early in my pregnancy. For background - father and I were never in a proper relationship it was very casual and short term and he is the opposite of the sort of man I thought I would have a child with (I was going through some stuff at the time and not making the best decisions) was on contraception but didn’t work or possibly missed a pill will never be 100% sure.
I had a really horrible pregnancy was so poorly all the way through - actually ended up two stone lighter after I’d given birth than before I was pregnant. He didn’t turn up to scans he didn’t buy hardly anything baby needed he was horrible throughout nasty over phone and message and just generally made a stressful time ten times worse.
I continued to update him on appointments etc but got to the point I said he isn’t to be at the birth due to his behaviour. He then proceeded to slag me off all over social media on the day I went in to be induced.
When I returned home with baby I offered for him to come and meet his son, he came, complained about baby not having his surname. Left and then harassed me with constant phone calls till the early hours telling me had taken an overdose and wouldn’t be around by morning. At this point I told him enough was enough. He is not to have any contact with baby until he sees a doctor and gets his mental health sorted and also his drinking (suspected alcoholic but wouldn’t agree himself). After this I didn’t hear from him again. This was Jan 2023
He has another daughter in her 20s who has been active in my sons life since day one, he stays with her and her mum (who is dads ex) once a week and they are amazing I really appreciate them.
He has never properly contributed financially- paid nothing for a while and I went through CMS and he now pays £29 a month despite working cash in hand (he claims benefits for not working) I have reported him numerous times as have others but nothing ever happened. He missed birthdays and Christmases not so much as a message.
Out of the blue in the last week he has contacted me and asked to see DS. He hasn’t got a new relationship the woman he is with they’ve been together long term. Not sure why now but I’m torn. I have agreed for him to see him with conditions as I don’t want to be a woman stopping contact for no reason but I also want to ensure the least impact for my son if this is just a flash in the pan and he ends up absent again. The message I sent with conditions is below.
Does anybody have any advice? Anything I could do differently or what to look out for? I’m just very apprehensive and not sure what is best. Thanks for reading.
Ok - so you’ve not been in his life at all pretty much for the last two and a half years, first two birthdays and Christmases have been missed.
So it has to be built up slowly as he doesn’t know you.
You currently contribute very little to his upbringing so I’d appreciate if you could ease some of the financial burden that’s all on me and contribute some more than you do at the moment.
You won’t be able to tell him you’re his dad straight away until I’m sure that you’re consistent and reliable. I don’t want to mess redacted name around and play with his emotions.
Initially it would be coming to see him at mine or I can meet you somewhere so you can see him, that can be built up slowly to you taking him on your own but it would be a slow process.
Let me know what you think? I have no issues with you being in his life never have done but my main concern is redacted name and doing what is best for him, and considering you’ve not been around at all for the first two and a half years I want to tread carefully and make sure it has the least impact on him
*personal details redacted by MNHQ for privacy.