Hi , I’m new here didn’t expect to find myself here but here we are.. this is a lengthy one.
my partner and I have been together for around 14 years we have 3 children ( 2 with him and 1 from previous relationship ). In all fairness the start of our relationship seems a blur to me now it was so long ago we was young and had both come out of really bad relationships but we knew each other from past friendship groups. We had our first child pretty soon after being together ( about 2 years ) and then our last child 4 years ago. I can’t say our relationship has always been romantic , swept off my feet all that but we was connected at some point, but over these last few years the connection has just gone ? No matter how hard I try and talk things through of how I feel nothing ever changes. We just seem to argue more than we get on now. Even to the point that we couldn’t stop ourselves in front of kids ( now I’ve realised we were doing this I’ve really put all my strength into not retaliating while the kids are around as I know this is so wrong ! ) in my view I feel my partner is narcissistic, he is so nice around other people and to new people he is ‘ the nicest guy they’ve ever met ‘ but with me it isn’t the same, I just know he doesn’t love me but won’t split up with me because of the children. But this isn’t right, he causes arguments with me right from the moment he opens his eyes , he moans if I go to work saying he can’t go to work ( when he can actually go a lot more days than I can ) I work for an agency to pick my shifts whenever and he owns his own business ( just started ) prior he didn’t work he didn’t need to as he has money.. another issue, he bought the house we live in so it’s his in his name so if we split I walk away with nothing and have to start from scratch ( which is fine I have allowed myself to be in this position so I can deal with the fact I will have to do that ) I just need time to be able to do this while still living with him as I cannot afford to move out and save up for a house or afford to live as I am only working part time as I am studying to become a paramedic.. another he doesn’t support me with really, when I got accepted into uni his response was ‘ so how many days will you there then ‘ no congratulations nothing even though he’d seen how hard and stressful it was for me to get there. I do suffer with depression and a traumatic grief that is still very fresh, my outlook on life has totally changed since this grief and I feel like his life hasn’t altered one bit ( we share this grief, it’s NOT a child loss ). So I understand I have changed and he hasn’t, he doesn’t seem to be maturing ( we are both in our 30s now ) he has dreams and aspirations but doesn’t act on them, where as I am trying to get to a better place in life, a peaceful one within myself but I feel like he drags me back each time I take one step forward. He throws everything in my face if we argue ( which he would do started ) dare I respond I then get told I don’t act like a woman because I’m loud ( Im loud anyway but I go louder when I’m upset or angry.. like most people do ? ) I’m ungrateful because he bought my car , we’ve even got to the point that I don’t allow for presents at Xmas and birthdays as I don’t want the consequences of him throwing it in my face ( he used to take them off me, he has stopped that now). The vehicle I’ll take on the chin as it drives me and kids around and I’m not in a position at present to buy one myself so I can ignore that comment now as it’s a necessity but it used to really upset me I had private plates on it but I’ve removed them now as it doesn’t feel like my car now he’s said it that many times it’s just a car to get me and the kids from a-b, I just feel like he sucks any bit of happiness I get out of me. He is so MESSY! and I’ve explained time and time again that if he just tidies his mess up I don’t mind doing the cooking / cleaning / washing but just to move his own mess what he makes but it just sparks an argument every time it’s his house he’ll do what he wants basically. I can’t concentrate when the house is a mess a messy house is a messy mind I’ve even come to point that as long the bedroom is tidy at least I’ve got one space to go to when I’m feeling low but he’s constantly got mess on his side of the room that he says ‘ I’ll do it today ‘ and never does! I know these are petty things but they are small asks and I’ve explained that it means more to me that he tidies up after himself (which is the bare necessity) than it would if he was to take me out (HOW SAD!) you’ve probably guessed but we don’t go out don’t go on date night, we do things with the kids but that’s for their sake. Even then he moans though he doesn’t really enjoy it if it wasn’t for me we’d do nothing with them. It’s impossible for me to cover all aspects of the relationship in this post I feel like I’ve rambled on already and not even made my point ( I have ADHD so I never get to it anyway) I think I’d just like some advice or someone who’s been in a similar situation.. do I stick out until the kids are older ? Do I save and get my qualifications and then leave either way I don’t know how much more I can take of feeling ignored / unloved / disregarded. He even undermines me in front of the kids now which I would NEVER do to him! I would always speak after a situation if I felt he was out of line but he just totally disregards what I’ve said and goes with his way instead. I also want to add that myself my mum and my dad feel he treats my eldest different to the younger two ( while I know he isn’t his biological dad he has still raised him from a baby ) but there is still that difference in approach to him he is so loving with the younger two which again I understand to a degree I feel it affects my son that he may feel the difference and I don’t like that my son should have to feel this way when he’s been raised by him he chose to raise him so he should treat them the same should he not ?