Boyfriend and I want to be together but are on different timelines for the future

[Ouzzypat]

My boyfriend and I are mid 30s, we have been together over a year. I enjoy our time together a lot but he would like to start taking steps like meeting each others kids, talking about trips away with the kids and eventually moving on together and having another child. All this sounds good on paper but when I actually think about doing it- I don’t want to. Not yet anyway, or maybe ever? Can this work?

If you both want fundamentally different things out of life, probably not. Time for an honest discussion. If you don’t tell him the truth about how you’re really feeling and give him a chance to decide on that, then you are future faking him which is not fair.

I do talk to him about this, he knows I ultimately want the same things but also have worries about taking those steps (my ex husband was unfaithful so that’s impacted on me)

What Yodas says above. You need to be honest with him about what you see the future being in your eyes. If a more committed relationship and another child are dealbreakers for him then you're not the one. Be honest, then he can choose whether to continue as is or seek someone else who wants the same things as him.

Hoe for you feel about another child? If uou are in your mid 30s then you would need to plan for that over the next 3 or 4 years realistically

I’d like one but it feels so risky to have a child with someone again after my husbands affair and now having to co parent 50/50

I would say it's a bit soon to be talking about blending families and moving in,

Perhaps less so for meeting each others kids, but you need to take one step at a time.

Having more kids is quite a fundamental thing though and obviously comes with time pressure so it's good to think carefully if you potentially want that or not. And be honest with him if you don't.

A year just sounds like no time at all though, I've read on here wise advice that it takes a good 18mos plus to see all sides of someone's character

Yes I agree and in ways I’m not sure I can now even trust my judgement of someone as I got it so wrong before. I’m also very happy in my little home with little family and not sure the benefit of bringing a man into the mix

Your posts are very confused so I doubt he does understand how you are really feeling.

You say you do talk to him and he knows you want the same things as him ( moving in together and having a baby) and yet in this post you want the very opposite of this; to keep living separately and not having a baby.

You need to be frankly honest that it’s likely you will never be ready to live with him or have another baby.

In all honesty, you should probably split up. He is looking for someone whose heart is set on creating a blended family, and adding to it. That is not you. You are on a very different page. You may have an idealized notion of what you would like in a perfectly lived life, but there is a huge gap between that and what your actual life experience has told you that you want. You seem happy with your current set up. You should seek someone who wants that too.

(On a side note, I would be very suspicious of a man who want him and his kids to be blended with another woman and her kid after such a short time. I think he sees this as a set up that would benefit him very much. But would it benefit your child, or you?)

I think you’re hit the nail on the head there. I have an idealised notion (probably in an ideal world my family would still be together and my husband wouldn’t have cheated) and in my head I think that would be lovely to meet someone and do all those things but actually then doing it is different and I’m not sure that is actually best for my child or me

I think it is very rare that the best situation for a child is that their parent meets a new partner who moves in with their kids. It's definitely possible to have a relationship anyway, but you don't need to try and replace the family you had. Life looks different now, but you and your child are a family in your own right and for them the absolute safest bet is for you to stay that way.

Totally agree. Society makes us think anything other than two adults living together either with or without children is the best set up for a happy and fulfilled life but I’m not too sure.

I thought my last ex was the one. Was such a kind, generous and spontaneous and fun guy. We had our own homes and I could have stayed like that for many years. He started badgering after a year to sell up and move in together and my heart just wasn’t in it to do it so soon. He equated this to me not loving him and instead of a mature conversation turned nasty - a real Jekyll and Hyde transformation. I was shocked and stunned at not recognising him any longer. Made me realise I’d definitely dodged a bullet.

Has left me very cautious now though. Haven’t dated in the two years since then and wonder if you ever know someone’s true nature 😑

In my experience they can all turn nasty if they don’t get what they want

At the moment, even if unintentionally, you are stringing him along, and hopefully after clarifying your thoughts on this thread, you can tell him plainly that you do not want to move in together or have another child.

Also bear in mind that you can never know how he will be with your children unless you introduce them, so after a certain amount of time (and a year seems very reasonable), if you are planning on cohabiting eventually, then keeping them apart becomes unhelpful.

I’m in a similar boat
deffo don’t want more children though .
my bf has a huge house that he rattles around in on his own and hints of me and ds one day moving in.
however I have made it quite clear that I have no intentions of this happening , if he chooses to ignore how clear I’ve made that then that’s on him.
i have a few reasons not to. Mainly I have assets to protect and my ds.
he has dogs that are too boisterous and not trained .
and I also have trust issues like you op.
as well as liking my house and life as it is.

OP l honestly think you know in your heart that you are contented and happy in your own home with your child and you don't really want to change that for your boyfriends vision of blended families.
It's very early days for your partner to start talking about moving in together, blending familes and having another child. You are not ready for that and may never be. l would be very clear with your bf so he is under no illusions that you want the same things at present.Then it's up to him what he chooses to do.
After your past experiences you feel safe and secure in your own home so don't be in a hurry to change that.

I am wondering whether he wants you to takeover looking after his kids when he has them hence wanting you to meet them!

What were the circumstances of his breakup?

Do you know his ex? I often think it's wise to make friends - and find out.

Was he - or did he believe he was - happily married and wants that again? It's quite common with men to move on.

How old are all the children?

What are the arrangements?

Might he be looking for a housekeeper/nanny?

How old are you both?

Who owns what property?

No man falls in love as quickly as a man who is looking for a roof.

You’re in a good place right now. I wouldn’t be rushing to change that. The risks outweigh the benefits, in my mind.

You both already have children so I don’t understand the need to add a baby into the mix. It’s still very early in the relationship, you’re still getting to know each other, and a baby puts a whole load of pressure on everyone including the existing children.

In your shoes, I’d be pushing back and telling him I had no plans to change the status quo for at least another year or two. If he can’t accept that, he’s free to leave.

Your priority must be your child and you. But don’t string him along, maybe say the kids will meet eventually but I’m not sure I’d ever want to move in together or have another child, it may happen it might not, but I need to be very clear and align our expectations. Then the ball is in his court.

Have you actually told him the truth about how you feel?

Or are you worried that if you tell him the truth he will leave?

The problem with that is if you keep him in the dark and string him along with maybe-baby to keep him with you, you are what is often used to describe men here - a future-faker.

Be absolutely clear in your mind about what you want and how you see your future together.

And then tell him. And accept his decision.

Can it work? Yes absolutley.

The question are, do you want it to work and why don't you want this to happen yet or if at all?

You've hinted at your orevious husband being unfaithful which is a completely valid reason to be nervous or even recoil if the thought of taking the relationship to the next step.

Some of the comments in this thread don't appear to be helpful in the slightest and using this post as a platform to bash your partner.

At the end of the day, you know your partner better than anyone. Is he likely to be unfaithful? Is he the sort of person who wants you to meet his kids so he can leave you with them and he has fun whilst you have the kids?

If you want his to work, it will.

There hasn't been any mention of how soon your partner wants this all to happen. Is it a week, month or even years away?

It may be helpful to both of you to speak to your partner about your thoughts and concerns of his wishes and future plans and lay out what your future plans look like. Before this, it's important to question your own thoughts and fears and why you have these and understand them.

This is because if you want this to work, you'd want those thoughts and fears reassured and validated, right?

The only person who can do that is you partner.

I’m sure you didn’t get it so wrong OP before ..
People pretending to be people they are not , not that you got it wrong .. You thought your husband to be a different man , that’s what he led you to believe..
You , which would be the same as me ..
We are the people we show ourselves to be …

I’d take things very slowly yes , I don’t see any harm in introducing the kids into one another’s lives after a year , talking about having a family together , yes , that’s moving far too quickly ..
You need to say to him , he has to slow down ..
If you don’t mind me asking , what led to your new partner’s divorce ?

You’ve only been together a year. You don’t need to rush into anything like some lovesick 20 year old. You have children to consider so need to be absolutely sure of him before you introduce him to your children. One year isn’t enough for that.

Just take your time dating and getting to know each other. There’s no rush to decide.

Time often answers a lot of questions and this is something that hasn’t passed enough. It’s too early. You are totally valid to not know the answers now. If he can’t wait then he needs to go as you sound like you’ve been honest.