Help!! AIBU or do I really need to reconsider my life choices

[TheNoisyLilacShaker]

DH and I had a huge row the over day and I am so confused over what happens from here,

we are moving from a major city to live up north about 20 mins from his family. They are incredible with their grandchildren, spoil them rotten give them endless entertainment, make them meals, take them for naps in the stroller, babysit overnight etc.

however… sometimes they cross a line and say things like oh leave the kids here with me and collect them after the weekend which I find really awkward to respond to, last time we moved house, they went and got themselves a key cut without our knowledge or permission ‘so they could help us move in’, letting themselves in our house without knocking or ringing the bell. It can be quite intense.

I am from an emotionally distant and slightly disfunctional family to be totally honest and I don’t know how much of my stress about their involvement is due to my background or are they genuinely overstepping the mark?!?

Please help me with honest answers, AITA or should I try to set my expectations with people?

Change the locks. Stick up a ring doorbell, front and backthat alerts your phone when they arrive. Every partnership deserves privacy and you deserve your privacy and they are encroaching on that. As for them keeping your kids when you’re not ready you’re just gonna have to say “thanks so much but I want my kids home tonight”. I feel completely invaded if people were instructed what to do with my children and walk into my house unannounced. Take back some control.

Well, you could start by letting them know when they reach your line. "oh leave the kids here with me and collect them after the weekend" is not an order and if you don't want to do that just say "I'd like to take them back now thanks"

How did they get a key cut? One of you must have given them a key in the first place... You may have to speak up there and say you'd like them not to use it

As for your husband, it’s very delicate, not to insult him as it’s his family. . But just say you need time without them being there as well and to be given a chance to parent your own kids with him without their influence good luck.

Get a key safe and ask them to put the key in the key safe and only use it if you’re abroad or something and put it back in the key there when they’re done.

I think neither. I don't think yabu to find this hard to deal with and perhaps a bit worrying however I would guess this is very much just normal for them and they just really want to help and be involved.
My grandmother lived 5 minutes walk from us as kids (dad's mum) we walked into her house pretty much day or night, never knocked, always felt welcome and she did the same at ours (we were very rural and doors were rarely locked) i never questioned that this was anything but normal however the thought of my mother-in-law walking into my house now like that fills me with dread.
They sound like nice people, I would have an honest conversation.

How did they get a key cut without you knowing? Surely someone had to give them a key so they could get it copied?

Perhaps be a bit more selective about what you tell them re the move this time. The less they know hopefully the less libertys they can take.

As for cutting a key to your house without your knowledge, absolutely way out of order. Totally crossed the line.

How on earth did they get your key in the first place? You have to have the original to get a duplicate cut. Did your DH give them one?

I would struggle with this as well, but free childcare is a gift! Change the locks, make sure your DH is on the same page, and lay down the law that they can only visit when invited.

Thank you for all your responses and making me feel like I’m not going insane!!

we left our keys at theirs while we went out to the shops and they went out and got it cut in the 2/3 hours we were gone. I was so in shock, I didn’t even know what to say. They just said we’ve got this key sorted so we can go in and deal with things while you’re away. Totally get the kindness and their heart is in the right place but I feel sort of out of control of my own home!

I deal with conflict so badly and whenever I try to broach the subject with DH he is very defensive of his family and says I’m being unappreciative of them so I’m at a loss as to what to do!!

Any ideas of exactly what to actually say to them here would be much appreciated!!!

That is outrageous, they must have planned to get a copy the first chance they could if they were able to pull it off in under 3 hours!

My (very aggressive) FIL and MIL were once in the habit of showing up unannounced, including to our holidays. They had no interest in offering childcare, and just wanted access to DH so they could control and bully him.

My DH took it extremely seriously, and we ultimately had to keep our address a complete secret when we next moved.

If they are from a culture known for being domineering/controlling with their children and/or your DH isn’t willing to lay down the law then I honestly wouldn’t move nearer to them. Don’t risk it, especially when the childcare setup already works decently well as things are.