Suddenly thinking about ex

[hamsterbananadododo]

I’ve been happily married for over 10 years, but together for much longer - three children, we get on well, don’t argue, enjoy each other’s company etc. Suddenly out of nowhere I can’t stop thinking about my first boyfriend, who I was only together with for 2-3 years just before I went to uni.

It ended because I panicked about things getting too serious too soon - but we weren’t really compatible (different interests, levels of sociability, ways of showing / receiving affection). He also wasn’t always particularly nice to me or my friends (but also not to most people, which I think was part of the initial attraction). We briefly got back together, then split again - and later transpired he’d cheated on me when we were back together with someone he ended up marrying. Since, I’ve had a short relationship with a lovely man at uni, before meeting my even more lovely husband in my early 20s - so don’t have loads of exes, and it takes a lot for me to even slightly commit to someone.

I’ve had a recent milestone birthday and some unrelated work challenges, which have triggered a mid life wobble - plus have found out my ex is now single. I’ve barely given him, or the relationship, any thought for years - and suddenly can’t stop thinking about him. We’ve not spoken in years, though had some recent cordial email contact over a school reunion (neither of us are attending)- so there’s no bitterness, but we’re not in any kind of real contact.

Things with my husband are generally good, though a bit lacking in intimacy post kids, and I suspect we both have avoidant attachment styles which means sometimes proper connection is tricky.

I’m certain this isn’t really about my ex - but I’d really like to stop thinking about anyone other than my husband, as at a minimum it’s taking up headspace I don’t have.

I’ve blocked my ex on all social media as a starting point. I can’t afford any therapy right now (which I’m sure is the ideal solution) - but any other advice would be very gratefully received!

Anyone? Feeling quite low about it all, as they’re massively unwanted thoughts and feelings. 🙁

I completely understand how you must be feeling. I thought about my ex most days for 25 years after we broke up. My DH and I are happy and have a beautiful DD but my ex was living rent free in my head to the degree it was a natural part of my day to look him up on social media, see if I could find him and what he was doing with his life. Then, one day, he randomly walked into a cafe in the middle of a city I was visiting, when I was having lunch with my DD. He didn't recognise me, or if he did, he ignored me. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders that I didn't fancy him anymore and he was a shadow of the person I once knew.

Keep it as your little secret, never divulge it to anyone and one day, I hope you get the lightbulb moment I did and can move forward with your life. Good luck.

I used to think about my first love frequently. He was the only male who never hurt me and he was such a good person. I really loved him. I cruelly dumped him because I got a taste of the adult world and suddenly thought the grass was greener.

I regretted that for a long long time. My life was shit for many years after and I can't help but think it was karma and I was getting my just desserts.

I'm married now with two beautiful kids and life is sweet. But at times when my marriage hasn't been good (DH has a lot of complex unresolved issues when we met ) I'd often think back to that first relationship.

But the truth of it is : it allows you to fantasise. You no longer know that person. You're imagining them doing things and saying things that are your own imagination filling in the gaps. It's pure fantasy /escapism and they're a fixture of it. You also forget all the little traits and quirks that irked you and rose tint it all.

When my marriage was in a better place , those thoughts and limerances stopped too.

Thank you for replying - even though it’s not the magic solution I was hoping for (though realistically didn’t expect). You’re absolutely right that I don’t know him - and of the little I do know via mutual friends, he’s a complicated, difficult man, who I suspect even now is often quite unpleasant to the people he cares about. At 18, you could probably blame his upbringing - now, it’s on him.

I wonder if part of it was that the intimacy was great- though we never actually had sex (& he lost his virginity by cheating on me) - and he was the first person to break through my shame issues around being in a relationship (yes, my parents did a bit of a number on my self esteem). And with intimacy (physically and emotionally) sometime being a bit of an issue for me now, I’m wishing I’d been more adventurous & not so uptight in a long (ish) term relationship.

The challenge is that whilst I know it’s pure fantasy, meeting up isn’t an option - he’s (politely) made it very clear he has no desire for that (which I respect - even though I think it would really help me). And without that, you’re bang on that I’m filling gaps.

I’d just really love not to be thinking about him at all (which I’d managed well for almost two decades) - it’s so frustrating and pointless.

Hey I know this post is about two months old now.

But I too have been married for 10/11 years and have two DC but suddenly all I'm thinking about is my ex who I dated for 3 years from the age of 18-21.

It's mostly fantasy situations based around "what if" ideas, when I really think about it I know we would have never lasted. But I do have fond memories of him, he was my first love and apart from my husband is the only other person I think I have truly loved.

He has no social media at all, which makes it even more infuriating because he really can become this "fantasy" guy in my head.

In reality although he was overall a lovely guy, he was shit with money (I hear he still is), didn't really encourage my ambitions and had a shockingly low sex drive. I've also heard he still smokes like a chimney (something that is never attractive when you're nearing 40).

It's really starting to take over most of my thoughts so any tips are welcome.

I've just put it down to being 37, bogged down with two young children and the monotony of everyday life. The thought of ever really leaving or cheating on my husband fills me with dread, which makes these intrusive thoughts even worse

I’m not sure I can help - my situation is almost identical, and if anything the thoughts have got worse. In my case it reflects loose ends that weren’t tied up in what was an exceptionally intense relationship - along with some issues in my marriage that my husband just doesn’t see. Similarly, the grass isn’t greener - my ex is a hugely complicated man, with a lot of issues, but did adore me. My husband is a lovely man, also with some issues, but doesn’t seem to care much, and I’ve asked for more demonstrative affection, but got none (& I won’t beg). I’m on the brink of quiet quitting the marriage, but want to try therapy - just need the money and way to start that conversation…

I think our two situations are different in I don't think my thoughts are linked to my husband at all just the relentlessness of responsibility in adult life, which I can't escape no matter what I do.

I hope you find a way to find happiness whether it is with your current husband or moving away from the relationship.

Perhaps - though a lot of the issues with my husband stem from the weight of adult responsibility not being split between us. And the 'fantasy' of my ex provides some escape (plus from what I know of his life now, he's the kind of person who would split it, which feels exceptionally attractive at the moment). I'm hoping time, therapy etc will eventually help - but have found journalling useful to an extent - and am now trying to only allow myself to think about my ex at certain times to try and reduce it. Can't say it's working brilliantly - but is a little.