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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nightmare family

17 replies

citygirl77 · 18/08/2025 18:04

I can’t quite believe this situation. My FIL moved in with another lady after his divorce, who he lived with for 35 years, in her apartment. He funded their lifestyle, and to some extent that of her daughters. We have seen them on rare occasions, always on her terms and we always had to pay. In 35 years, we have had no more than a cup of tea from them. Over the last few years FIL has been in hospital a lot and out of the blue, a few weeks ago we were told they didn’t want him back and he was homeless. We then learnt he had never had his own bank card and had no clue where any of the money went. He wished to change his will, but sadly he died before the solicitor visited him in hospital to sign it. So yes his ex is the executor of the will and gets everything. We had already told him we didn’t want the money, but it would be nice to leave money to his grandchildren.
My husband was called when he died, having spent time with him in his final days. My FIL finally realised how badly he had been treated and how he had neglected his son.
This cow controlled all his money and then in the end dumped him, when he was at his most vulnerable. I expect there is very little left.
i am not sure if I need advice. But I am very annoyed.

OP posts:
AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 18/08/2025 18:13

Over the last few years FIL has been in hospital a lot and out of the blue, a few weeks ago we were told they didn’t want him back and he was homeless.

Who told you this and was there any explanation?

We then learnt he had never had his own bank card and had no clue where any of the money went.

How did you learn this?

Did he have access to any of his money?

ClawsandEffect · 18/08/2025 18:16

Happened to a friend of mine. Her dad had a new partner after his divorce from her mum and had a new family. His new partner and his two children by her kicked him out of the home he'd paid for when he got old (she was the younger woman). My friend helped him move to the other end of the country, looked after him, visited him etc, for the 10 years he lived. He never saw his new family again.

But due to the existence of an old will, they took all of the benefits he'd accumulated and not spent in that 10 years, despite having totally ignored him. Not a penny to my friend/his oldest daughter who'd cared for him in his old age. Not even to reimburse her for her costs.

Some people are scum.

citygirl77 · 18/08/2025 18:24

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 18/08/2025 18:13

Over the last few years FIL has been in hospital a lot and out of the blue, a few weeks ago we were told they didn’t want him back and he was homeless.

Who told you this and was there any explanation?

We then learnt he had never had his own bank card and had no clue where any of the money went.

How did you learn this?

Did he have access to any of his money?

His partners daughter told us that none of them wanted him back. His partner phoned my FIL up to tell him, whilst he was in hospital
They then dropped off a bag of his belongings. In this bag, we saw a bank statement, which showed all the transactions and it was all going to her family. It also explains why he never offers to pay for anything when we have taken him out and why his grandchildren have never had a gift off him.
He has never had any money in hospital and my husband has given him cash. He finally explained why. But he has obviously allowed this.

OP posts:
citygirl77 · 18/08/2025 18:25

ClawsandEffect · 18/08/2025 18:16

Happened to a friend of mine. Her dad had a new partner after his divorce from her mum and had a new family. His new partner and his two children by her kicked him out of the home he'd paid for when he got old (she was the younger woman). My friend helped him move to the other end of the country, looked after him, visited him etc, for the 10 years he lived. He never saw his new family again.

But due to the existence of an old will, they took all of the benefits he'd accumulated and not spent in that 10 years, despite having totally ignored him. Not a penny to my friend/his oldest daughter who'd cared for him in his old age. Not even to reimburse her for her costs.

Some people are scum.

Edited

That’s awful.

OP posts:
AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 18/08/2025 18:28

citygirl77 · 18/08/2025 18:24

His partners daughter told us that none of them wanted him back. His partner phoned my FIL up to tell him, whilst he was in hospital
They then dropped off a bag of his belongings. In this bag, we saw a bank statement, which showed all the transactions and it was all going to her family. It also explains why he never offers to pay for anything when we have taken him out and why his grandchildren have never had a gift off him.
He has never had any money in hospital and my husband has given him cash. He finally explained why. But he has obviously allowed this.

Ok, so you have no idea if he was abusive to her or her daughter then?

I'm just thinking you need to find out more about it before you make up your mind whether he deserved to be told not to come back home.

How was he going to pay a solicitor to go to the hospital and change his will?

Endofyear · 18/08/2025 19:34

I absolutely don't blame you for being annoyed but this situation is sadly of FILs own making. He should have safeguarded his son's and grandchildren's inheritance - he moved into her property and presumably could have left at any time. It's frustrating but as he's passed now, I think you have to let it go - it will eat you up if you allow yourself to dwell on it.

TheGoldoffEternal · 18/08/2025 19:48

Hardly can have understanding why. So many old people get married in their old years and fuck up their own children's inheritance. I know many to whom the kids tried to talk to and were accused of being grabby. No comment. Sad as it is, keeps happening in this country

citygirl77 · 18/08/2025 20:40

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 18/08/2025 18:28

Ok, so you have no idea if he was abusive to her or her daughter then?

I'm just thinking you need to find out more about it before you make up your mind whether he deserved to be told not to come back home.

How was he going to pay a solicitor to go to the hospital and change his will?

His sister offered to pay. We were trying to persuade him to move out years ago, when his partner told us if she died before him, her flat was going to her daughter and he would be homeless.
We offered to help him apply for a council flat or sheltered housing, but he refused. So to some extent he is also at fault.

OP posts:
AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 18/08/2025 21:23

citygirl77 · 18/08/2025 20:40

His sister offered to pay. We were trying to persuade him to move out years ago, when his partner told us if she died before him, her flat was going to her daughter and he would be homeless.
We offered to help him apply for a council flat or sheltered housing, but he refused. So to some extent he is also at fault.

Ahh ok that makes sense.

He is completely at fault though for turning his back on his family and making a will leaving everything to his girlfriend.

It's a bitter pill to swallow but it's what he chose to do.

citygirl77 · 18/08/2025 23:04

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 18/08/2025 21:23

Ahh ok that makes sense.

He is completely at fault though for turning his back on his family and making a will leaving everything to his girlfriend.

It's a bitter pill to swallow but it's what he chose to do.

Yes. I just feel angry. But that will
pass.

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 18/08/2025 23:14

I’d agree he’s at fault for pretty much turning his back on his family. Obviously only wanted to keep the peace making her happy. It’s such a sad scenario, you wonder how she sleeps at night.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 18/08/2025 23:37

Endofyear · 18/08/2025 19:34

I absolutely don't blame you for being annoyed but this situation is sadly of FILs own making. He should have safeguarded his son's and grandchildren's inheritance - he moved into her property and presumably could have left at any time. It's frustrating but as he's passed now, I think you have to let it go - it will eat you up if you allow yourself to dwell on it.

Agree with this. He should have made changes throughout his life and not put up with it.

SapphOhNo · 18/08/2025 23:44

Be mad at him. I fully believe in karma.

GoodCharl · 19/08/2025 11:12

If she has access to his bank account and spent his money, is that not fraud? If they werent married, surely next of kin is his children? Maybe you need legal advice

citygirl77 · 19/08/2025 13:50

GoodCharl · 19/08/2025 11:12

If she has access to his bank account and spent his money, is that not fraud? If they werent married, surely next of kin is his children? Maybe you need legal advice

Yep. Spent everything without his knowledge. But he allowed it to happen, by not asking for access to the account. They went on fancy holidays, took her grown up children etc. We didn’t even get a wedding present. But obviously he wasn’t bothered. My husband isn’t so much mourning the loss, more a life time of rejection. My daughters want to pursue financial abuse, but my husband wants to move on and hope he never sets eyes on any of them again.

OP posts:
citygirl77 · 19/08/2025 13:52

SapphOhNo · 18/08/2025 23:44

Be mad at him. I fully believe in karma.

Yes. I am mad at him. He was a crap Father. On his death bed, having been rejected by his partner and her family, my husband asked if there was anything he wanted to say. He said no. He never told his son he loved him, ever.

OP posts:
GoodCharl · 19/08/2025 22:13

citygirl77 · 19/08/2025 13:50

Yep. Spent everything without his knowledge. But he allowed it to happen, by not asking for access to the account. They went on fancy holidays, took her grown up children etc. We didn’t even get a wedding present. But obviously he wasn’t bothered. My husband isn’t so much mourning the loss, more a life time of rejection. My daughters want to pursue financial abuse, but my husband wants to move on and hope he never sets eyes on any of them again.

Its definitely financial abuse

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