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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend of one year has started ‘negging’ me?

40 replies

Chattyapple123 · 18/08/2025 17:42

My bf rings me everyday, booked a holiday for us, says he loves me everyday and still compliments but he has recently started 'negging' me.

He will make fun of me for my fake tan, says that I can't drive and that im muscly because Ive been going to the gym.

I said today why are you being mean and he said with his closest friends you start to banter them and do playful insults and as our relationship has deepened I like to roast and joke with you now.

Im autistic so don't know if I am reading too much into it but l've seen posts that say if they start being mean to you thats a bad sign.
Is he playfully flirting or is he trying to upset me?

OP posts:

Arlanymor · 18/08/2025 18:44

Ohmygodthepain · 18/08/2025 18:40

Op doesn't like it - so he shouldn't do it!

Since when is it up to the victim to turn it back on the aggressor to ' see how they like it'?

It stops today op, or you walk away. Anything else shows he has zero respect for you.

Show quote history

Yes that was my point, maybe my typo confused you - my point being that if SHE doesn't like it, HE shouldn't do it. My thumb is in a bandage at the moment having slammed it in the car door so my typing is not at its best. I missed the 'S'.

I definitely DID NOT suggest she turn anything back on the aggressor - even with my typo I don't know how you gleaned that. We're on the same page.

Nevereatcardboard · 18/08/2025 18:45

Tell him that you don’t like it and he needs to stop. You are not one of his bloke mates and you need him to be respectful, kind and considerate at all times, including any communication. This is the absolute minimum you should expect from anyone you ever date.

LittlleMy · 18/08/2025 18:48

YodasHairyButt · 18/08/2025 17:44

Regardless of his intentions, you don’t like it. If he doesn’t respect that and stop doing it, that would make me rethink the relationship.

This first post nails it - in a nutshell absolutely this.

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 18/08/2025 18:53

Chattyapple123 · 18/08/2025 17:42

My bf rings me everyday, booked a holiday for us, says he loves me everyday and still compliments but he has recently started 'negging' me.

He will make fun of me for my fake tan, says that I can't drive and that im muscly because Ive been going to the gym.

I said today why are you being mean and he said with his closest friends you start to banter them and do playful insults and as our relationship has deepened I like to roast and joke with you now.

Im autistic so don't know if I am reading too much into it but l've seen posts that say if they start being mean to you thats a bad sign.
Is he playfully flirting or is he trying to upset me?

It's a shitty way that men bond with other men because god forbid they talk about their feelings like real human beings.

Negging your girlfriend is NOT okay IMO.

You are perfectly reasonable to dislike it and to request firmly that he stops doing it.

Observe his reaction carefully. whether or not he takes your request seriously and if he stops will tell you a LOT about how much respect he really has for you and how much he sees you as an equal.

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 18/08/2025 18:56

TwistedWonder · 18/08/2025 18:07

It’s not banter - that’s back and forth both parties joining in. He’s doing what do many twatty blokes do - digging at you and then claiming you’ve got no sense of humour when you don’t like what he’s doing.

I would tell him absolutely it had to stop, it’s rude and disrespectful- his reaction will tell you all you need to know

Good point, so once for for those at the back:

It's not banter if it's not both parties equally joining in with consent and joy.

God the amount of times I hear men try to brush off crappy behaviour as "banter" the word makes me grind my teeth just reading it!

Hollietree · 18/08/2025 18:58

Tell him very clearly that you don’t like it and ask him to never do it again.

If he is a decent guy he will feel mortified and never do it again.

If he does it again then you know he is a twat and you dump him immediately.

AcquadiP · 18/08/2025 19:00

You're not one of his mates though, you're his girlfriend. Tell him to stop his childish 'banter' as you don't appreciate it. If he continues, then he doesn't respect your boundaries and you should make him your ex. Autism is irrelevant here imo because I'm not on the spectrum but I wouldn't appreciate it either!

Dabberlocks · 18/08/2025 19:16

"he said with his closest friends you start to banter them and do playful insults and as our relationship has deepened I like to roast and joke with you now"

Right. There are two thing wrong with what he says:

Banter, playful insults and jokes are only funny when everyone is laughing. You do not find them funny, so if you ask him to stop, he should stop.

The other thing is that you have autism and I assume he knows. He should definitely not be using banter or insults or 'jokes' to an autistic person, who is not going to respond the same way as a neurotpical person might. So if you ask him to stop because you don't like what he says, he should stop.

He isn't stopping, he continues to do it. He is not a nice person.

HatandCoat · 18/08/2025 19:51

If these were jokes, you'd be laughing. This is your boyfriend trying to put you down and get away with it by pretending it's 'banter'.

Original poster

Chattyapple123 · 18/08/2025 19:54

Really good points thankyou everyone. I am going to ask him to stop and if it continues that is a sign he doesn’t care about me or the relationship. I definitely agree he is using ‘banter’ as an excuse.

OP posts:

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 18/08/2025 19:57

Cutleryclaire · 18/08/2025 17:47

Well tell him straight you don’t like it and nip it in the bud. He can roast his mates that do find it funny.

Yes, give it to him straight, like pear cider that's made from 100% pears.

Cutleryclaire · 18/08/2025 20:03

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 18/08/2025 19:57

Yes, give it to him straight, like pear cider that's made from 100% pears.

Show quote history

🤣 beautifully done.

SirRaymondClench · 18/08/2025 20:13

I had a boyfriend like this once OP. I didn't know the term 'negging' at the time but I knew I didn't like the 'jokey' put downs.

It soon ramped up to him 'jokiley' punching my arm repeatedly and when I said stop it, he'd laugh and say I was soft.

Eventually it ramped up a notch. He was abusive as fuck.

Get out. Now.

DiordreBarlow · 18/08/2025 20:17

Men who make these kind of negative comments as a form of control often pass it off as banter or just mucking about.

The next step for them is that when you tell them you don't like it they are, 'just mucking about'.

Tell them again you don't like it and they will tell you that you are being oversensitive.

It's a way to damage your self esteem and then make you feel bad for being hurt.

It's a way to lower your resistance to their treating you badly.

Don't put up with this man if he is not treating you with respect. You deserve better.

Arlanymor · 18/08/2025 20:18

Chattyapple123 · 18/08/2025 19:54

Good for you, stand firm. Good luck.

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