Is it over?

[Shoretwo]

I’m 28, been with partner around 5 years and have a 2 year old. No sex, no affection (apart from a peck when he goes out). No emotional connections, if I try and talk about anything he gets defensive and turns it on me - ‘you never try to have sex either’ or ‘you don’t talk to me either’. Often, if I try and start general conversation he barely talks or mumbles back at me. Doesn’t do much around the house, have to ask numerous times to get stuff done or I do it myself. Never really compliments me, won’t say I love you or talk about feelings. When I do try he doesn’t even look at me which really irritates me and I get nothing out of him Very separate friends and hobbies. Finances also play a part while I earn more than him I would struggle to leave and buy a house again on my own I think.

On the flip side there are small glimmers, sometimes he is really chatty for a bit or he suggests going somewhere and we have a nice family day. Great Dad , DD loves him and he does his share of parenting.

Going to try talk to him on our holiday in a couple weeks, any tips for having the conversation that I want more from him and this relationship without him getting defensive and shutting it down or turning it on me?

any advice is welcome as just feeling a bit lonely. Don’t want to talk to friends or even my Mum as a bit embarrassed and they did feel he was never really right for me in the first place.

You should certainly be hoping / implementing this loveless union is “over”

In all honesty, i’m not sure how you fix this. It sounds over already. It’s not easy on your own, but you’re so young, move on and find someone who loves and appreciates you.

I’d be honest with him where you are heading if things don’t change. Tell him the time for working towards change is now, when you still care because the day is fast approaching where you won’t and that will be too late.

You can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to but you can and should not waste more of your time investing in something that doesn’t have the legs.

When you talk about seeing glimmers, being chatty, suggesting going out etc that is what he could be doing all the time, but he is choosing not to. He is choosing sullen, uncommunicative, no affection. How long did he think you would tolerate this? Are his parents like this or happy?

I honestly think how couples communicate is such an important part of what makes them work or not. He chooses DARVO, Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is how children talk, not how adults should talk. You can google it to see more details.

To be completely honest, it feels like this is dead. It isn't just one thing, ie no sex, it is so many things, there is a literal list. Maybe the holiday is one last good time together, only if he is usually great on holidays. Going forward I think you need to go and get legal advice about the property split unless that is straightforward and work out how this will work with him having a place for his child to stay overnights and how often.

I would hope that your friends and family support you rather than I told you so admonishments. Relationships that are perfect at the beginning can also end. It doesn't make it a failing on any level, things just don't work out sometimes.

I know I’m still young but I still have a daughter to think about and I wanted that family unit. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to try very hard to make it work before just walking away.

he could even be depressed etc as was never like this before, we would stay up hours talking and laughing, lots of sex etc!

@HaddlerScoop glimmers of affection, or sex, and being back to normal talking laughing etc. Sounds pathetic I know.

Parents are still together but honestly not sure perhaps out of keeping up appearances and for the family rather than being genuinely happy.

I will look up this DARVO as I really want to have a proper adult discussion without it turning back into an argument or all my fault.

Think legal advice and co parenting sounds so overwhelming and I’m not usually easily overwhelmed !

Your small glimmers are literally the bare minimum of a relationship. You shouldn’t have to wait around for them to pop up every now and then and grab on to them like a stray dog waiting on scraps.

I would wait to have the conversation after the holiday, it’s not worth it to ruin it in case he gets defensive and you end up not speaking until it’s time to go back home.

It sounds like he has checked out of this relationship but still in the house because it is easier to stay than to leave. Leaving requires effort, it requires looking for somewhere to live, dividing up the stuff in the house. I mean you no doubt wash his pants and cook his meals, why would he leave that voluntarily? He can treat you like dirt and you stay, waiting for the "glimmers" of what your relationship should look like. Your DD is learning from both of you, you are showing her what a "loving relationship" is. Would you want this for her? It seems to me like you have already tried hard to make this relationship work and he throws it back in your face.

Look up DARVO, but I don't think he will have a light bulb moment where he sees his behaviour. I mean you could print it out and give it to him in the hope that he reads it, understands how it relates to him and changes.

Have a look at this https://www.youtube.com/shorts/XvB9bCm0j6Y and I bet you can relate. His whole channel is great.

d I wanted that family unit. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to try very hard to make it work before just walking away.

a family unit isn’t automatically happy op

and sure… you can try “very hard” to make it work but if he does bugger all… then won’t make a difference

how long has he been like this?

Do you work?

“He won’t say I love you”

as in… he doesn’t confirm whether or not he loves you when you ask?

Maybe try and recreate the lost spark on your holiday without a big talk yet. What was it like when you first got together? Try to connect emotionally and physically, start with small things, if talking about it gets him on the defensive. If all fails, have your conversation with him, calmly and seriously expressing your concerns and encourage him to jointly think about solutions. I don't think all is lost yet but it's hard work ahead!