Confused and lost

[Carrots18]

My partner and I have had a lot of ups and downs over the years. I met him when I was quite young 21 and he is 13 years older. We both liked to go out and party at the time but over a decade and two kids later I feel we are both just so different now. I drink very rarely now and he still drinks excessively at weekends. He often stops off at the pub for a few after work on a Friday and will drive home claiming to have had one pint but I know he’s had more. The drinking I really think is an issue for him. I’ve mentioned this many times but he always gets very defensive and really believes it’s not a problem. I know a lot of the resentment I have towards him is to do with his drinking. We seem to bicker all the time and every few weeks will escalate to horrible name calling from both sides. I dread holidays every year because of his drinking which will be every day. I’ve felt for the last year or two that it would probably be best for us to separate, but then things improve and not before long the cycle will continue. I suffer quite badly with anxiety and he has used this against me in a recent argument and I’m finding it hard to forget some of the things he said to me. My worry is upsetting the kids by breaking up the family and I think it’s why I keep going back after I promise myself it’s done, but I know we are probably doing more damage staying together. I don’t want them to think this is the way a relationship should be. They haven’t seen the massive rows but they do see the constant bickering and probably notice when we are ignoring eachother which can go on for a while. Because I’ve been with him most of my adult life I feel like I don’t know who I am without him. I care very much for him and I know he will be devastated if I end it for good because we do love eachother but it’s a very unhealthy love. I’m just wondering if anyone has been through similar and had any advice, thank you.

He shouldn't be drink driving OP. How much is he really drinking and what are you angry about? If he's just drinking at the weekend, a lot of people do. Do you want him to stop or cut down?

There’s a lot of alcoholism in his family and mine aswel. I know he drinks too much and I worry about the effect it is having on our children. I tend to just sit on my phone at weekends because I just don’t want to listen to the same thing every weekend. There has been a hundred arguments over drink driving and what will happen if he’s caught or worse kills himself or somebody else but nothing changes. Most of the bad arguments we have had have started over his drinking.

You got two choices - 1. Stay and waste more years and more chances to find happiness for both you and your children in hope he ll change (which he would have by now if he was going to ) or 2 . Except him for who he is and leave him to give yourself the freedom to find someone else you deserve. In the meantime you ll show your children your strength , courage which will give them a more relaxed home ,mother and example of what family should be like .

Just read your last message and your poor kids . They too deserve better than that home .

My friend put up with her DH drinking for years. There were broken promises and lies, in the end she said enough and she’s divorcing him. She’s 60 and has put up with him for most of her adult life. She has three children who have suffered from his behaviour. Don’t be my friend, get out now.

Deep down I know this is the answer, it’s just so hard when I know there is good in him too but your right he will never change.

Of course there's good in him too. There's good in everyone somewhere. But overall, this relationship is not good enough for you and the children. Staying will cause them more harm in the long run than splitting up now and dealing with the immediate aftermath. I think it's very hard to live with anybody if you're not on the same page alcohol-wise. He doesn't sound that extreme (ignoring the drink driving for now) but if you don't drink it's fucking annoying to live with. Likewise for him, he'd probably be happier with someone who drinks at his level. It's just about compatibility. I personally couldn't live with somebody who had an alcohol problem on any level. I just find it boring.

...and somebody who drinks a lot would find me boring!

The new life you'll take your children into can be no worse than one plagued y an alcoholic who upsets home life and holidays.
You'll also have so much new energy for your children when you're not wasting all that emotional labour on a drunk. Make urgent plans to leave him before you've both ruined those children's entire childhood.

Start preparing yourself to leave this was my life and it doesn't get better. You will be miserable so will the kids with forever bickering parents and a miserable mother. Christmas, birthdays, holidays ruined because they were excuses to just get drunk ! What a miserable life that was!!! I left a few years ago and Am so much happier now so are my children. Whatever it takes but please work towards leaving

Go to the local Police and tip them off as to when DH will be coming come on a Friday night.
Suggest DH attends all alcohol help groups offered.

Agree to both being under .02 before driving with your children (and while being home alone responsible for the children.)

Don't buy alcohol on your holidays. Only have a glass while out at a meal.
Don't buy alcohol with your groceries.

Try new no alcohol mocktails and gins, beers etc.
Develop a taste for healthy options.

@user1492757084
Alcoholism is an extremely powerful addiction.
Your tactics wouldn’t last a minute.

Thank you for your replies I really needed to read them. I have told him I think it’s best if we separate this morning and he is now sending me messages from work that he is heartbroken. During the conversation he said we have kids together and I said yes but if we didn’t we would not be together and he agreed. I really don’t want to hurt anyone but even him admitting that we would not be together if we did not have children has opened my eyes. I really have been through so much with him and hurt too many times myself. He plays a sport two nights a week and works full time so isn’t here all that often anyway. I’m trying to be prepared this time so I’ve sent him a list of about 15 reasons of why I think it’s not working. I wrote this very upset last night in a couple of minutes. I wrote this because when I bring up my concerns I may not be able to think of them all and they end up sounding insignificant or he can brush them off easily.

I wrote this because when I bring up my concerns I may not be able to think of them all and they end up sounding insignificant or he can brush them off easily.

This alone is a reason to leave, OP. My first marriage was the same. You get in a fluster trying to explain yourself and be taken seriously, and then feel awful for having mentioned it and end up backtracking... then it all starts over again because none of this goes away. I used to make lists! And then hardly dare say half the things on it, if we got that far (usually got shut down).

You are right to have identified that this is an unhealthy relationship. Part of the problem is that you've grown up together, so the patterns are set in stone. The only way to break free is to end it.

You will both grow and learn and become different people outside the relationship, but you can't do it together.

It's really sad, but that's life I'm afraid.

My second marriage (much later in life!) couldn't be more different. Instead of bracing myself for an argument, I don't even need to discuss things that bother me because DH notices immediately if I'm even the slightest bit upset about something, and wants to put it right. When appropriate, he'll say something like "I've been a wanker, sorry, won't do it again" and means it.

I’m divorced from this very similar situation now thank god, he will absolutely be drink driving with your kids in the car, he will not stop and your resentment will only get worse…. Very sadly I think you’ll have to go, but it’s the absolute best thing for your children.

@Beachtastic
yes I’ve just felt stuck because he is all I know. I think we will both be better people apart. I don’t like who I have become around him. We don’t communicate and there is next to no intimacy. That is down to me because my body just says no. He lost someone very close to him a few years ago and I don’t think he ever recovered I was there for him but he didn’t deal with it. Last year he agreed to counselling and after the first session he told me the therapist said he thinks he’s a grand lad and it’s up to him if he wants to see him again so that was the end of that. With the drinking he really doesn’t see it as a problem because many he knows drink just the same as him. We’ve just drifted further apart, I feel like I was a child still when I met him. Now I’m growing up and he is staying the same.

@theiblis yes he has indeed drank drove with the kids in the car. I have told him that it is absolutely not acceptable. I find myself coming home from work at weekends really analysing him because he had picked the kids up and wondering if he had a drink beforehand. He will usually be drinking by the time I get home anyway in the evening at weekend so it’s hard to tell. But I do not trust him because he has done it before.

Carrots

He is also heartbroken also because his gravy train life with you further enabling him is coming to an end. I would also read about codependency and see how much this relates to your behaviour within it.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it's always been drink with him. His alcoholism has destroyed your marriage and the only good to have come out of it are your two children. Like so many alcoholics as well he remains in denial and that is a powerful force.

You say that alcoholism features heavily in both his and your family. This became your norm and I am not all that surprised that you chose an alcoholic for a spouse; it was a continuation of what you had learnt about relationships.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no life for your children to be witness to either. If your children are teens they may wish to talk to Al-ateen. You in turn could contact Al-anon (this is for all those affected by an alcoholic).

Alcoholism is not called the "family disease" without good reason because you are all affected by it. I would urge you to continue with the process of separating and ultimately divorcing him. Seek legal advice asap and get a firm of Solicitors on board. You also need to find out who you are as a person in your own right because he has subsumed you over the years.

He has been fortunate in that he has not had an accident or been pulled over. It's all very well telling him it is not acceptable but this is repeated behaviour from him and you know he's an alcoholic.

When is this man ever properly stone cold sober?. He is unlikely ever to be so because he is always on a comedown from alcohol. The wheels will come off here soon enough re him if they are not already.

Any update ?