Humiliated by Partner

[ProtectedNightSky]

Been with DP for 16 yrs and have DS9 together. Generally good relationship, though we have a tendency to avoid emotional talk. Bumble along fine and live together with humour and contentment.

We had a family meal today with my DF, DM, Ds & BiL, DP & DS. I felt that DP was being a little critical/antagonistic towards me during the meal, but ignored and carried on chatting away. At the end of the meal, DP snarled at me to stop speaking to him ‘like that’. I was shocked and asked what on earth he was talking about. Others looked uncomfortable but DP wouldn’t let it go. I asked him to speak to me respectfully, he said ‘it works both ways’, and so I left the table.

I was upset and we haven’t spoken since. My main issue is that DS witnessed this interaction and has been asking if I’ve apologised since. I reassured him and explained how we resolve disagreements and how me and DP will do that.

I feel so humiliated that my family witnessed this. I’m worried that my DS thinks men can speak and act like this towards women.

I'm guessing that whatever issue DP will come out eventually and we’ll have a circular argument where nothing will get resolved. He has a tendency to get defensive and I’m just feeling stuck. Am I going mad???

I think you both need to get to the bottom of why each of you thought the other one was speaking to them like that.

You thought he was being a little critical/antagonistic and it would appear he thought the same of you.

Thank you for your comment. I am genuinely baffled at what I could have done or said to have been perceived in this way. I barely said anything really. I’d happily explore it more with him.

There could be so many reasons behind this that it's impossible to say without more detail. Were either of you drinking? Is there a previous argument festering? Do you have form for snapping or belittling him when with your family? Did he feel ignored?

You say: we have a tendency to avoid emotional talk do you mean you two never have open communication about how you feel? Does everything get swept under the carpet?

Your poor child and family.
At least they can see what a nasty piece of shit he is.
Your son must be so confused but it sounds as if he isn't a good man.
Is it time to rethink things and be honest with yourself and your family?

I felt that DP was being a little critical/antagonistic towards me during the meal, but ignored and carried on chatting away
vs
I barely said anything really

Which is it? And surely you must have some idea of why he might be feeling critical or antagonistic towards you…

I meant I was chatting to the others around the table, not so much directly with DP.

Thank you for the replies.

DP is sensitive to criticism and sometimes believes others belittle him or think less of him. He does not, for example, have academic qualifications although is successful in his work. He anticipates that others think less of him. I’ve never thought less of him (why would I?). I am qualified in my field and hold expertise in my area, though I sometimes feel I can’t be proud of this without fear of his response.

In terms of context, there hasn’t been any recent tension. He’d done some ironing in the morning and I was pleased (I was anticipating having to do it later that day). It transpired though that he’d only ironed some of his clothes. I had just laughed it off, but maybe my response set something off for him. There was nothing out of the ordinary during the meal. All pleasant chat. No alcohol involved.

We talk broadly about feelings. If I’m upset he will comfort me but if we argue it seems he will not talk for a while and then expect everything to go back to normal. I’m more inclined to air thoughts and feelings, I’ll try to hold different perspectives and come from a position that no one intended to cause upset. His defensiveness in these conversations makes it difficult, as I end up feeling unheard and so shut down.

I get the impression that you are walking on eggshells. Would this be a fair assumption?

Check out Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse…

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Yes! Thank you. This is it. I do feel like I walk on eggshells. On reflection, I also recognise this pattern in my family home with my father. Perhaps my strong feelings now are my attempts to avoid this dynamic in my home.

This is helpful to think about and consider for next steps. I really appreciate the help with this.

What are your parents like?. It appears you have got together with someone who is very much like your father. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so what did they teach you?.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from you both?.

Why did he only iron his own clothes?. That seems like selfish behaviour too.

Walking on eggshells is akin to living in fear. I would seriously consider if you want to be staying with him going forward as your son could absolutely grow up copying this man's behaviour. You are currently showing him that this behaviour from your man is acceptable to you on some level.