Husbands friendship with a woman

[Redveranda]

Background is married for 14 and together nearly 20 years.

When we first got together, mad for one another and then whilst meeting a wider circle of friends, met the girl…

You know the one that instantly has to make sure you KNOW they have a special relationship/friendship.Girl that lived on same side of the road and shared childhood kind of friendship.

Made no effort to be my friend and after waving a red flag (in my view), that wouldn’t have been welcomed anyway. She did subsequently apologise some years later which is of course gracious, but I don’t like her and feel she doesn’t like me.

I made it clear at the time to my then boyfriend that I just don’t like her. I confided in someone within our wider friendship group and she then told her partner who then started saying I was jealous. Which, of course I was.

The point being I suppose, I shouldn’t be jealous or threatened by anyone in a relationship that’s strong and so it seemed he’d completely taken that onboard until the last few years.

A group friend holiday was suggested. I said I wasn’t fussed for going. Then was told that she was going. So no permission asked for and I’ve swallowed it down and really tried hard not to act like a jealous, irrational person as I know feel secure in the fact that he wouldn’t cheat.

She has a family and a partner who my husband seems to really like and admire.

After returning from the last trip he made some comments about her appearance that weren’t flattering. Which I think was a clumsy attempt to assure me that there was no possible attraction there.

I’ve spent every single one of these years feeling periodically anxious and a vague sense of dread and invited friends to come
and stay to distract me from spiralling.

This year, I’m sitting with it a bit more and just realised I think that he’s happy with my discomfort over him feeling any of his own about this. He didn’t ask for permission so it’s forgiveness and I just cannot see, that if the roles were reversed that he wouldn’t be cross with me, or more that I wouldn’t expose him to that on a yearly basis.

its not that I think he’ll cheat, it’s that they have this weird shared emotional thing that I’ve been exposed to and now somehow my DC are going on holiday with her there.

I feel like I’m living in a twilight zone. All the other WAGS obviously haven’t had this experience with her and their partners so it’s fine for them.

Clearly I haven’t been great at communications my boundaries about this as I’m really angry about it, exacerbated by I think a few other things happening within the dynamics of our relationship.

I know I am feeling jealous. I just don’t feel it’s fair or appropriate given how I feel about this particular person for him to insist almost on going and participating despite knowing how sensitive I may feel about it.

I need to raise this but I can’t find the words and would like some advice please oh wise ones.

I think this really depends on the dynamics of the relationship and how secure your partner makes you feel in it. I was in a relationship with someone who had a close female friend and never had any issue with him socialising with her because the dynamics of our relationship were strong, respectful, open and transparent.

However I have been in subsequent relationships where this type of thing would have been an issue because my then partners had poor boundaries and lack of transparency.

It sounds like you don’t feel comfortable at all so imo your partner should be either aiming to ensure you are okay or just shouldn’t go.

The issue is not whether I should go, I’m not going!

The issue for me is that he is, regardless of my feelings about it as his wife, he is.

My male friends and my romantic partners or dalliances are not part of my friendship circle now. The ones that he has felt threatened by live at the other end of the country so no chance that he would ever be made to feel this way.

For clarity this is just a mates holiday that I am welcome to go to.Her partner and children will be there.

Regardless of if married or not people can and do take their own children away independently of their partners! Nothing to do with non monogamous relationships.

Thank you for replying.

Yeah I think that’s part of it we haven’t discussed her as an issue specifically in relation to my feelings or getting the specifics of their history.

I just feel like someone who wants to make me feel like that…is just not going to be on my friends list and I don’t want her in my life tbh.

You aren’t being “made to feel” any way though. You feel how you feel, which is valid. Your feelings are just feelings though, not facts.

I think based upon the face that I was there and this is my own life that I can make an informed decision that it was very intentional, hence the ‘mad to feel’.

Sorry if I’ve missed something but I’ve re-read all your posts and all I can get from this is you don’t want your DH to go on a group trip with friends, of whom this woman is one and you’re also invited but won’t go - because you feel like she might want to take him off your hands. And because you feel uncomfortable in this way, he shouldn’t go?

If that’s all there is to this story then I think you should just go along.

I feel like I need a conversation with him about why I feel like this and why

Sorry posted too quickly.

i think it needs to be a conversation before I even think about that.

if it was him and he was experiencing difficulties with my relationship with men that I had a historic relationship with, i’d expect a conversation and to put him at ease.

I don’t think she’s going to take him off my hands, Mynperception is that lthere’s a weird emotional link perhaps romantic between them that just makes me think it’s a hard no all round for having her in our lives and I feel like I at least maybe need to express that somehow.

I reread your posts and must have missed it. What is the red flag she gave you to begin with? That holds a lot of significance for you, doesn't it?

I had similar feelings about my husband's "friend." I remember that pain so well.

Well today is another day and had a long discussion with a close friend.

I think you are right and I should just go to Birmingham
for the weekend when they do go in September.

Saying this kindly, but if the roles were reversed here and it was a bloke saying he “felt uncomfortable” about his wife’s friendship with a male friend she’d known for years and therefore it was a “hard no” for having that friend in their lives, he’d be called coercively controlling and all sorts of other things.

If you feel jealous of a platonic friendship your partner has, then therapy would probably be more helpful than a conversation where you want him to reassure you. What could he possibly say that he hasn’t already said, that would reassure you? You can’t prove a negative. If they’re just friends, they’re just friends.

I’d go. I know you said you would
feel uncomfortable but better that than the way you feel at the moment.

I always trust my gut, spidey senses have never let me down. I have a DH who I believe to be loyal and I don’t feel like me micro-managing will prevent him cheating but he owns a company and over the years I’ve had several females making a play - for me it’s not the belief he would cheat, but the disrespect they show to me as his wife by treating him like fair game. I even had one female blatantly making up stories about him calling her constantly when he was away on a stag do. If you feel this way then you need to find the words to tell him that you feel his actions are disloyal and how it makes you feel.

Agree if your feeling this, then it's happening. This is your gut. Although it could be 'harmless' ie lack of emotional intelligence. At 'best'.
Still, no reason for you to put yourself in this position and great choice to remove yourself - don't give anyone feeding off your insecurities a chance protect your peace.

And you should totally do something fun for you, do something with a friend when he's away or take yourself on a mini break.

Intresting that people feel this is the move? Going feels like it plays into the dynamic of someone subtly enjoying the distress. and super stressful watching over your shoulder the whole time ?? Why give anyone the satisfaction.

I think if it’s causing you this much bother then you just have to suck it up and go. Or don’t go, but have a word with yourself.

There’s nothing massively unusual about not being super keen on an opposite sex friend of your partner who isn’t welcoming to you, but you seem to have really built this up in your head - there are 12 kids on this holiday, including yours, so it’s not a great opportunity for seduction.

Whether you go or not, I would also take a bit of a step back and try and access what’s lacking/bothering you in your life or relationship that allows this woman to loom so large, because I don’t really think this can be about her.

(I also think referring to other women as Wags is perhaps adding to the playground feel of this whole situation, so maybe drop that - it’s not 2006).

I agree. 15-20 years ago nothing happened but you felt they were a bit entwined so ever since you have avoided her and everything she’s at like the plague so now the old group are all still friends and go away with wives/partners and kids , she’s good friends with all the wives and bringing her partner and kids too but you are planning to seethe at home thinking he shouldn’t even go if he loves you. If you were my dh I’d tell you to get some therapy before your jealousy cost us our marriage, because there is no way I’m dumping on my old friends to get together to appease his insane jealousy, so I think you should plan to go, get some therapy and treat her with perfect civility.

You've let this rule you for 20 years. If they were going to get together wouldn't they have by now. You should go don't give her your head space. How's your marriage in general

Yeah, been there, it’s excruciating. She’s enjoying pissing all over your boundaries and, as you say, DH is enjoying it because it’s good for his ego, which feels disloyal and humiliating to you. I wish I knew what the silver bullet was for this. It’s probably hard for him to see your point of view because he knows he wouldn’t act on it so he probably feels a bit of righteous indignation that you’d doubt him, as he sees it, but he doesn’t get that every time he lets her test a boundary it feels like she’s scoring a point off you.

Interestingly I see it the other way, more that the DH’s friend would be glad you’re not there. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of having my DH to herself. I would also make sure I had a bloody good time! I guess it depends on how OP sees it.

Female? Why are you referring to women that way?

Honestly, just couldn’t be bothered typing it all out hence my use of that particular thing circa 2006.

no I think I have built this into something it’s definitely not.

Thanks everyone.

Yeah I think it does feel disloyal to me, however I do appreciate him needing time with his friends.

I think some bad mental health wobbles have possibly made this exacerbated recently but I do understand people’s varied POV.

I think I have swallowed my feelings about it and it’s turned into something bigger than it even is to be honest. Anxiety and ruminating on it and it’s got bigger in my head.

if I had been a bit more direct about how it made me feel even as a bit of light teasing, it might have stopped it feeling weird.

Thanks for the comment. Mumsnet can be brutal but sometimes we need to hear things the hard way!

Also, I looked at her account on social media and confirmed I’m happy with my existence as an absolute goddess regardless and that has bolstered my confidence.

Yes, at the time it was disrespectful and I stood up for myself and spoke to him about it.

As his now wife, I wouldn’t stand for this if the behaviour continued, and it absolutely hasn’t.

However it was years ago and honestly, I’m his wife now and whilst I don’t think I will ever like her or love her being part of the wider circle, I am a pretty amazing wife who I think is possibly letting her hormones and anxiety win!

I do think as other posters have mentioned, therapy may be useful for me.

I have allowed my feelings to get the better of me with this, even if it internalised in my own head and my posting on mumsnet. I need to get a grip and woman up 😂😅✌🏼