How much courage does it take to end a marriage?

[Nibeana]

I've been with my husband 27 years. I'm a successful, confident, independent person & I just don't see my husband in my future life. He's a functioning alcoholic, he brings very little to our family life, aside from financial contributions to the running of the house and although he often behaves like he's my third teenage son, he's just human beige in so many ways and when I think about my future life, I don't see how he fits it not it. He's not difficult to live alongside and I could manage to live like this...But how much courage do I need to set off on my own for the rest of my life?

Deep breath and say it. Making the right time was the hardest part for me. Every day since he's reminded me why I did though 🤣

I was in a similar situation, no kids tho. I tried twice and he wouldn't leave. In the end I pretended I'd met someone else and that hurt his pride enough to leave.

For me it was looking forward to the next 27 years of it, plus worse of course and asking really is this what you are signing up for?

I remember saying to someone “I can’t live with him, and life with myself, and I’m definitely going to be living with myself.”

I don’t know how much courage, for a long time I was heady with excitement and sick with fear. I think if you have no significant financial worries that it will be relatively easy. The kids might join his pity party though.

That's so true: living with 'me' as a priority over living with 'us'. Hadn't thought about it like that.

So,no regrets?
What made you decide it was the 'right' time?

I didn’t have enough the first two times I tried…initially asked for a separation and he talked me around. Second time I said I wanted a divorce and it was over then he talked me around.

The emotional manipulation was horrendous…I got counselling after the first attempt. My final attempt I got an Airbnb to move into and just left a letter and went because I knew I’d cave if I stayed.

It was terrifying and started a six month campaign of him trying to get me back through whatever means possible but it was the right decision after 20 years together.

I'm in exactly this situation. Stealing the human beige line for sure! I don't know why I can't just tell.him. I know it'll break his heart but I've got to put me first. It'll be tough financially but that's not everything, right?

I'm delighted I'm not at this point alone! Albeit, sorry that someone else's marriage isn't the epitome of a Disney rom-com either.

My eldest son is doing GCSEs this year & is a sensitive soul, I know it will break up his tiny world so I am laying the foundations to go in 9 months. This gives me time to prepare both emotionally, financially and practically and also ensure he isn't impacted in the process.
I say this, and I feel a bitch for being so calculated but I'm a practical person...and this is a safe space!

It takes a HUGE amount of courage which is why so many people stay in shitty marriages instead.

This is what worked for me: I told my H I was no longer interested in sex with him and never would be again.
Straightforward and surprisingly effective.

Ha ha! Well, it's simple and to the point!

Thats a great idea but my ex would have just used that as an excuse to fuck around.

It takes a LOT of courage but it’s the right thing to do.
You’re wise to be organised!
It means that when the times comes, you’ll have everything ready and be in a clear headspace.

I'm now worried because I've been saving up but I'm wondering if I need to strategically spend it so he doesn't get half of my savings.
Maybe a new car and an investment in an expensive handbag air loom??

Buy things you will need. A good winter coat. A good quality pair of winter boots. Replace crockery, pans etc and leave the old ones with a friend for safe keeping. Nice smellies, stick up on herbs for the kitchen, toiletries, make up. Same with bed linen. Pay for a year or two gym membership in advance. Leave all the spare items with a friend or family member.

Or weights and a rowing machine if you exercise at home. A couple of pairs of trainers. Swimming costume. Suitcase. Normal items that he won’t want and that aren’t valuable as such but bloody useful.

It depends how much you have saved but you will need money for legal advice, moving or selling costs, remortgage fees / rent deposit, buying furniture for a new place none of which is really taken into account when splitting ‘assets’.
You could plan and prebook a nice holiday for you and your DS post gcse.
You could save money for your child eg for uni in his name (some building society’s will do trust accounts up to age 21 if you don’t want him to have access to it).
You only have to declare items you could sell for more than £500. So it’s the second hand value not what you pay for it new. Anything that’s for work / tools of trade also wouldn’t be likely to be shared.

No regrets. Our marriage had been getting harder the last 3 years. I spoke with him in March (told him I wanted a divorce and he talked me round) and we tried to work on it, but then he stopped any effort whatsoever in April.

End of June I filed for divorce and then told him. He did not care.

I've been paying for everything and doing everything whilst working 60 hour weeks so it's a relief when he's away to be honest.

I think the final switch was that I suddenly realised I could not do this for the rest of my life.