Can I please ask when you knew it was time to divorce?

[poppetandmog]

I’m so unhappy and I can’t see it changing, but there’s not one big thing that has happened (no cheating etc) that’s led to this. I feel like there needs to be some sort of catalyst to make me leave. Practically, it would be very difficult. We have a son who is adopted and has a range of additional needs. It would be awful for him. I have no friends or family here (moved 100 miles away to be closer to his family) but would have to stay in the area for son’s special school. I earn a lot more and know that financially would be fine but husband would struggle and I would feel so guilt about that. I do love him but I don’t like him, if that makes sense. I spend so many nights lying awake thinking about leaving - he has changed so much as a person over the last 15 years and I don’t like the person he has become. We constantly bicker at one another and I can’t remember the last conversation we had that wasn’t about our son or life admin. He is such a negative person, so moody, and I feel like he’s just sucking the life out of me. I can’t see couples therapy working as he wouldn’t engage with it and then would likely just use anything I’d said as ammunition against me. But we have a nice life and our son is happy. Is my unhappiness enough of a reason to go? It seems so selfish but I’m 38 and don’t want to waste my 40s living like this.

Arguing is a good sign, indifference is the death knell of relationships. You're both under a lot of strain and it sounds like you have fallen into a rut.

People need to communicate more. Bickering is a sign of resentment and feeling unheard. It's pointless point scoring and I imagine the atmosphere at home isn't good.

However you can't resolve the relationship by yourself; your husband needs to be on board. Somewhere like Relate does counselling for individuals as well as couples. If you change the way you communicate (I'm not blaming you), your husband will be forced to change because you're currently doing a familiar dance.

There doesn’t need to be some giant dealbreaker. Most relationships die the death of a thousand cuts and you’re absolutely entitled to leave because you’re not happy anymore. That is a good enough reason to leave and you’re prioritising everyone else over your own happiness and sanity if you don’t leave for that reason.

Sorry you're going through such a rough time. Are there any things at all that make you happy in your relationship? Besides your son?

It’s a really good question. He’s a good dad (although we have very different views on parenting) and we are very equal in terms of the house, which I know a lot of people complain about. He absolutely pulls his weight. We have a lot of shared history. We still have good sex. But there is no fun. No laughs. Sometimes I feel like he hates me. There is so much resentment on each side and I feel like there’s too much water under the bridge to fix it.

Thank you. I know counselling wouldn’t work. He’s way too cynical and stubborn fot that. He never admits when he’s in the wrong. He would use what I say against me, turn it around and make me feel like I’m the problem. I completely appreciate I have faults too, but the difference is, I would apologise if I’ve done something wrong.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Be brave here and make the break sooner rather than later. It’s not your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way either.

Why would you feel guilt out your husband supposedly struggling if you left?. You are not responsible for his life or choices. His abusive attitude towards you has been the cause of you being unhappy in the first place. He would use DARVO against you: another tactic so greatly beloved by abusers.

And do not think your son does not notice or know because he does. He will
pick up on all the vibes here between you and dad.

He is not a good dad either if you get treated like this.

Women in poor relationships also write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. I’d be contacting women’s aid and a local firm
of solicitors.

OP, I suggested individual counselling via a qualified relationship counsellor.

Do you really think you have a nice life ?. Materially perhaps but emotionally you are bereft. Denial is a powerful force.

There is no we here in this marriage and the effects all this is having on your son is incalculable. Stop putting yourself and he through this crap and live a life free from
his control. You have a choice re this man and your son does not. When will
he come under Adult Services?.

Thanks everyone. I’m finding the replies quite shocking to be honest as I would never have considered husband to be abusive. A complete mood hoover and difficult to life with at times, but not abusive. We have had a really tough time since our son came to live with us at 2 (he’s eight now) and it’s has really impacted our relationship. I’m not perfect either and I don’t want to place all the blame on him. Our son also having a life changing operation in the next few weeks so absolutely not the time to be making any drastic life changes, as we need to be there for our son. But that doesn’t change how unhappy I am and I know in the longer term, something needs to change. I really appreciate you all taking the time to read as I don’t really have anyone to speak to about this in real life.

It took me several attempts - also with a child with additional needs. He became more moody and difficult- in hindsight this was him pushing me to end it so he didn’t have to be the bad guy. When he went away to do a hobby we were all noticeably relieved and the house was calm and happy. The dc were starting to copy him talking down to me etc and I realised it wasn’t just me that was affected by his moods and dc were better off without him in house.

He was struggling with them becoming teens and talking back - I had to referee as he was constantly shouting at them for normal teenage stuff (messy rooms, not doing chores immediately he asked). It was like world war 3 every time I left them together in the house.

He stopped showing any sign of caring about me eg when I was really ill he would forget about me all day and I had rely on the kids to check up on me.

I was fed up of having put on a show for relatives eg on wedding anniversaries.

The final straw was just a sudden decision I didn’t want to spend my birthday - or another year- with someone I knew would buy me a bunch of flowers from the petrol station assuming he remembered at all. I just wanted to be with people who actually cared about me and that wasn’t him.

He moved away to stay with relatives and got a better job as he’d not been working much (a reason the marriage failed), and left me balancing caring and work and parenting pretty much on my own. I knew the marriage was dead in the water but wasn’t prepared that he would walk away from his kids so easily. Don’t make any assumptions many men who have been previous hands on dads do this, especially when the child is disabled. You need to be prepared he may use needing to earn money as an excuse to leave his caring responsibilities behind and go back to living like a bachelor. Sadly more marriages fail when the child has extra needs.

While his behaviour meant a lot more work for me physically it was a relief emotionally for me and dc. The fact he behaved so badly after we split didn’t make me regret it, it just showed me that I’d been making excuses for him for years wondering if he was depressed - but no he was just lazy and selfish.

His moodiness towards you is an example of emotional abuse.Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse present in the relationship. And such a man won’t want to go quietly.

Honestly? In my 30s when I realised that if someone had looked in a crystal ball and told me that we would be together til one of us died that I would cut my throat that night...

I appreciate that sounds dramatic and I don't supposed I genuinely meant it, but the thought of spending another 30 or 40 years with him was enough to make me realise I needed to file for divorce then.

It wasn't anything specific - he was just cold, silent and miserable to live with. I have never regretted it. (30 years later)

Thank you for sharing. It’s really interesting hearing your perspective as I think there are some similarities. Not meaning to drip feed but in hindsight I think I pushed him into adopting when he didn’t really want to (I had severe endometriosis which caused infertility.) However, circumstances have meant his has had to take on more of the caring responsibilities as my career has taken off and his hasn’t. I think he deeply resents me for this as he is having to parent (what he perceives to be) a violent difficult child that he never really wanted. I feel a lot of guilt about this as I know our relationship would be very different had I not pushed adoption on him, but I wouldn’t change things as I do love our son and feel like I was meant to be his mum. He doesn’t feel the same but puts on a good act and is actually brilliant with our son, who adores him. It’s a sad situation.

I’m aware that the last post makes me sound like a horrible person. I do truly regret pressuring him the way I did.