I’m post-divorce, mid 30s, 4yo DD and in a relationship with a man for the last year. The relationship is good in lots of ways. I’m ashamed to say though that I broke his trust. I told some white lies and then tried to cover them up, and the truth came out in bits and pieces. Although none of the lies were about deal-breaking topics, it’s the broken trust that’s hurt him a lot - me saying I had told the full truth each time only for something else to be revealed. I guess I was in a strange place post-divorce, bit of a hit to my self-esteem, etc., and I was trying to appear perfect. The lies were about the specifics of how and when my last relationship ended and something I told him early on when I wasn’t ready to tell him about an incident that occurred that meant I had to cut our third date short. I made something up on the spot.
He has always been quite unpredictable and volatile in his moods and reactions. If he were a woman, he would be called “fiery”. I’m the opposite to this. He has ADHD so some of it could be about emotional regulation, cultural too (we’re from different parts of the world).
I was always just trying to keep the peace by avoiding (lying about) things I thought might provoke a reaction from him. Unfortunately it was how I was brought up - avoid conflict at all costs. I’m on the avoidant side too, in terms of attachment. I’m learning and I know I wouldn’t repeat it, whether with him or someone else in my future. I continue to make efforts in the name of accountability and repair.
He has asked for something that has concerned me. I have always enjoyed spa days, whether alone or with a friend, partner or my mum. However, my partner has expressed discomfort at the idea of me going alone or with a friend, seeing it as inappropriate. I wholeheartedly disagree and have spelled out how much joy I get from a day alone or with a good female friend. This topic came up a while ago, before the trust thing, but it continues to bubble on.
Should I be seeking some sort of compromise? Am I choosing a spa over my partner, or is this a bigger, more worrying thing? The way I see it, he is entitled to say what he is uncomfortable with in a relationship and to set his own boundaries, and up to me to say yes or no to it, but there may be a strong mismatch here - probably influenced by culture. And I react to his conflict style by shutting down and doing whatever to end it as quickly as possible or avoiding it entirely. Perhaps our values around honesty are also different. I have always considered myself an honest person but he seems to see lying as black and white, whereas I do see the grey.