Long term single, need a break from unhappiness, depression worse than ever

[MidThirtiesdepression]

I am in my mid thirties. All my life I wanted a family and I just presumed things would fall into place. Apart from a couple of short term (no more than 6 months) relationships, which ended because feelings didn't deepen on their sides, I have always been single. I have online dated for years, so many dates. These short relationships happened in my middle twenties and my last ended a few months ago at 35. I really thought this one was going to be it but in the ended I started to realise I was being strung along and he didn't really want to commit. I've hit rock bottom. I've tried not looking, i've tried looking hard. I've tried to give the men a chance I wouldn't usually go for.

My self esteem is on the floor, I've lost interest in everything and anything. Don't enjoy socialising but also don't like being sat at home on my own. I've lost all hope of my dreams of having children and a family because if I can get to 35 and still not meet someone who mutually likes me it isn't hopeful. Things are really really bad and I'm constantly unwell because of the depression.

I've been on SRRIs (same one) since I was 18 years old. I have never been able to stop taking them because of the severe side effects that happen when I do with such long term use. I have spoken to the doctor about changing to something else, but I'm frightened as I still have to work hard to pay the bills with living alone and can't risk being physically unwell (Although I am mentally unwell) I manage to keep up appearances at work and in social situations and when going on dates I come across as a happy positive person, but I feel constantly in a state of hopelessness and like it's over inside, i'm faking it all.

Counselling isn't great either as I find you're there for a short 45 minutes only and talking about my reasons for depression is just that, talking, because a counsellor cannot magic me a boyfriend and a family.

To make matters worse, I have a tiny family and very very few friends who aren't even always that reliable. I really don't feel any love at all.
Not sure what I expect from this post, but advise perhaps if anyone has any.

Didn't want to read and run, I know more people will be along with support soon but just to say I hear you and I think I understand, so just offering a hand hold for now.

Thank you so much. I have tears in my eyes, life is just so difficult at the moment, i'm tired.

I’m sorry to hear this. Do you think you’re maybe stuck in a bit of a rut, and doing the same things over and over? What about doing something very different eg a hobby or volunteering group? My friend is in a choir, she sings appallingly but no one cares, they all have fun. And I do outdoor volunteering, I wouldn’t stop doing it unless I was forced to. Sometimes starting something completely different can give us a bit of a jolt, and give a different focus to our life.

It’s easy to say I’m sure you’re lovely, you’ll find someone blah blah, but give yourself time away from these problems and you might find it helps.

I understand how you feel, I felt like that before I met my husband. It was hard watching all my friends find true love and start having babies while I was alone, I felt like I was unlovable for some reason.

I think you really need to talk to your GP about how you're feeling again. There must be something they can do to help surely?

Also, I know you said you don't want to socialise but I think you should. You need to make some new friends and do some fun stuff to take your mind off all of this.

I know it sounds like a crap cliché but you need to become your own best friend and learn to love yourself. It's actually amazing how much easier life becomes when you do this.

Yeah I do sometimes get fed up of routine of work. But even if I take holiday, I mostly don't arrange anything as money is tight with living on my own. So I feel quite trapped in a lot of ways, don't have the freedom to do what I want to with my time and also trapped in that my life goals are not something I can control.

At the moment the worse thing is the physical symptoms coming from the mental exhaustion. I'm tired all the time, anxious all the time, feel hopeless all the time, unlovable, headaches etc. If only there was a magic pill I could take to improve my mood i'd feel better. But also know that if things were looking up, i'd feel better, so when I started my last relationship, I did feel alot more positive than I had in years. When that ended again through no fault of my own, I've felt worse than ever

Do you go to the gym or go for walks or anything similar? I don’t mean to patronise by asking but I managed to break a similar cycle by getting my heart pumping. I also met my husband quite by chance and we married when I was 39