Someone talk me down from the effing moon

[BarilynBordeaux]

My relationship is not great, my partner left me briefly when I received a life limiting diagnosis then came back, I should really have said no to trying again but was scared and trying to deal with the ramifications. I just didn’t want to be alone with it.

we’re still limping on, but we both have debt (I’m close to paying mine off and he isn’t which causes friction) and the past weighs on me. He dropped me like a hot coal four months after the biopsy then came creeping back. He’s still half present at best.

recently I’ve gone a bit soppy over a man at work, deeply humiliating for a number of reasons but mostly because he’s a decent married chap and I would never, and I really hope he can’t tell I have a stupid crush.

anyway, I need someone to tell me that I need to leave DP and navigate life alone with my illness and when I do I’ll feel more capable in general and these feelings will go away. I’m aware they’re not real and just filling a void, but I can’t seem to do it on my own, I have to navigate so much alone.

I'm sorry about your diagnosis, that's really tough.

I think you know though that he's making things worse, not better.

I think you are showing real self awareness there, bravo.

Yes bin him off. Sounds like you’re navigating it all by yourself anyway and the last thing you need is extra stress from a dysfunctional relationship, particularly one that will bring additional worry (finances)… you need to look to the future and focus on your health.

Do you live together? Are there children involved? How will you separate from a practical point of view? And are there other people in your life who can provide meaningful support?

Sorry for so many questions.

Questions are fine!

no kids involved, thank goodness because he’d have been an awful inconsistent father. We basically live like housemates because I can rarely have sex, and it would easy on the practical side.

i know I will be relieved once it’s done, I’m just afraid and projecting all sorts of wonderful opposite qualities onto someone I don’t actually know. Too cliched for words. I’m just sad I’ve ended up like this, a diminished and invisible woman.

my sudden level of disability has also done some odd things to my head I think, I’m battling a bit of depression.

Sorry to hear your diagnosis - you are being very pragmatic in looking at your relationship in this way, because it would be all too easy to cling to someone, regardless of their awful behaviour. I would say that staying with him sounds like it is another form of life limiting if that makes sense? There will be someone amazing out there for you - you can only find them if you let him go. My friend found the love of her life after she had a serious accident and became a wheelchair user.

I get that limerence happens, and a married man who is, like you say, decent. But he is married. And no you do not need a man to validate your existence, you need you to do that for you.

This married man is only exciting because this work colleague may have his shit together and loves his wife etc, that is attractive. So stop it, you do not want a label of a homewrecker on your back. Place higher value on yourself.

Let the current situationship go, if he is on the fence in life generally, and you, he is never going to be turning up in your life now if he was not doing so at the worst time of your life. Or just generally.

Value yourself enough to allow yourself to take over your own life rather than wait for him to become whatever you hope he will become so life gets good, because I am telling you, that will never happen, not with the right time, words, or endless talks. He will never change.
Take charge, let this current man go, and dont budge if he jojo´s in and out of your life telling you that he loves you, if he is not showing up in action, then the words are hollow and meaningless. And it is no way to live. You got this.

i know I will be relieved once it’s done, I’m just afraid and projecting all sorts of wonderful opposite qualities onto someone I don’t actually know. Too cliched for words. I’m just sad I’ve ended up like this, a diminished and invisible woman

((hug)) for your diagnosis & how its making you feel. Xx

i get it! As per my user name I had a stroke (yes 2 actually) in january, & while it's a different type of thing to your dx I totally understand how diminished you feel, how scared & lonely (I am actually alone)

but you know you'll feel better, stronger & empowered when you tell him he's not good enough for you & to fuck off. His reaction to your diagnosis was disgusting & while I understand why you took him back, he's only half there & not even trying to make up for his disgusting behaviour.

You have recognised you made a mistake, put that right! He's not bringing anything positive to your life. You CAN do it, you might be sad for what you wished he was like, for the small 'good bits' but you'll be much better off!!

I need someone to tell me that I need to leave DP and navigate life alone with my illness and when I do I’ll feel more capable in general and these feelings will go away. I’m aware they’re not real and just filling a void, but I can’t seem to do it on my own, I have to navigate so much alone

you need to leave DP, & navigate life alone with your illness (you are anyway! You know he hasn't got your back!) you'll definitely feel more capable & these (soppy feeling fir this new married man) will go away.

Do you have any family, close friends? (Mine are either overseas or bloody hopeless. So I'd say 'not really' myself!)

you sound younger than me (56), but whether your 18 or 80 don't waste anymore of your time on him xx