Kind of justifiable?

[gratefulmuma]

Started off with a small argument which escalated… I can’t really remember what was said as it all happened so fast but I then told him ‘I don’t want to be abused’ (as per the advice of my therapist who told me to say this when I think he is speaking badly)…. he then called me ‘a f***g moron’

I later said he needed to apologise for what he said and he said ‘no I stand by it’

I’m thinking maybe it seems like I was being overly dramatic by saying ‘i don’t want to be abused’ so kind of justifies him calling me that??

In a relationship, nothing makes it OK to call your partner a “fucking moron”, even them being a fucking moron. People need to learn to respect each other and not say awful things that can’t be taken back in an argument

He shouting at you, calling you names & swearing (yip that’s abuse). at you instead of communicating like an adult. Then when you called him out & asked for an apoloy you didn’t get one, just more abuse. Why is he acting like this towards you ? Why is he unable to communicate without shouting/name calling. I think he is the one who needs therapy to look at himself & his behaviours.

OP I feel for you. I have had therapy in the past and have experience of clumsily putting down boundaries in another person’s language.

I find it helps my DH if I email or watsapp message him when I’m out for a while (perhaps at work) and say something like; “I used the word abuse because I really hope you can agree that it is unacceptable to call your partner names swear and shout at them but I get that you were angry and we probably both weren’t being our best selves. I’m texting you to give you time to digest what I am trying to communicate and I want to avoid anymore unpleasant interactions which are hard for both of us to get over afterwards.
please can you agree that it is unacceptable to speak to your partner like this and then I can begin to build up trust again.

Do arguments often escalate like that? He's very disrespectful and is treating you with contempt.

Thankyou @Gloriousgoarddid it work? How did it go down?

Thankyou @MiloMinderbinder925yes they do

If you’re having to email someone so they take on board what you’re saying your relationship is over.

op, it’s not ok for him to call you a fucking moron.

It's difficult to know what's going on but putting two and two together, your husband is emotionally abusive. He seems to go from 0-60 in order to shut you up and calls you names.

This isn't a one off because your therapist is advising you what to say when he's abusive. I don't agree with your therapist as there is no way to manage abuse and challenging an abuser can escalate the situation.

My advice is to stop challenging him because he's unlikely to change. Focus on leaving the relationship. Get advice from a domestic abuse organisation on how to do that safely.

If in any relationship where you have to tell them ‘I don’t want to be abused’ you should leave asap.

Context pls.
you have been together how long? Why are you seeing a therapist?
why did you feel the need to say that you don’t like being abused - Was it before or after he called you a moron?

perhaps you was having a perfectly normal
argument, he said a few things you didn’t like and reacted by saying “don’t abuse me” so he called you a fking moron?

@FITasAFIddle42.. we've been together 3 years. I've been seeing my therapist to help me deal with him
when I find his behaviour hard to deal with.

The argument started after I closed our bedroom door to go to bed.. the door squeaked and he got annoyed at me and was like 'how many times have I told you not to close the door, it will wake the baby'

i replied something like ' please can you just ask me
politely and not look at me like a piece of sh*t when you do it' to which he replied something like 'that's what happens when I've told you 100 times'.. it then progressed from there - I can't really remember exactly what was said but he was having a go at me about various things..

My therpist told me to say 'I don't want to be abused' to
him when he is speaking to me badly... so I did.. and then he said 'you're a fucking moron'.

To be honest, it sounds a bit like you started this one following latest update…

I can see the frustration in you doing something over and over again when you’ve been asked not to and responding with swearing and immediately getting your back up hasn’t helped….

Maybe work on dealing with conflict better

As Milo rightly states there is no way to manage abuse and challenging an abuser can escalate the situation.

Something as innocuous as a door squeaking has ultimately ended up in he calling you a fucking moron. What happens to you when the baby cries; does he call you that then too?. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; it is about power and control. This man could start an argument in an empty room and manufactures them readily out of nothing.

I would also start to plan the exit from this relationship as it will do your child no favours going forward to seeing his/her mother being spoken to like this. And bin off the therapist (where did you find this person?); this person seems to not fully understand what goes on within abusive relationships. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

And indeed if you are having to message your spouse like Glorious goard is doing the relationship is well and truly over. It is interesting to see the OP comment on that particular post; may be she is hoping like this poster could be that her man will return to the "nice" person he once was. Straw clutching seems to be evident. Sadly though that is not going to happen because the nice man was just a mirage or act designed to draw her in.

Well if you genuinely think he’s abusive and he genuinely thinks you are an idiot I’m not sure where the relationship goes from there.

However just to deal with the example you have given. Has he repeatedly asked you to not close the door?

If so, it’s not unreasonable (in a normal healthy relationship) to be irritated and annoyed that you are still doing it and for that to be reflected in his tone.

The normal response would be to apologise, not to deflect and escalate.

He may actually be abusive but I can’t tell from this example.

I initially thought you were being dramatic saying you don’t want to be abused. But no excuse for him calling you a moron. And if he constantly does say abusive stuff, then maybe I was wrong in thinking you dramatic.
As an aside, why doesn’t he just oil the bedroom door hinges so they don’t squeak?!

Only 3 years and you already have a child with this clearly abusive man…

It’s good that you are seeing a therapist, but I feel you need to be more proactive than trying to develop strategies to modify his abuse. You need to leave him - because he won’t change, and you don’t want to live a life of walking on eggshells. In time it will impact not just you but also your child.

• Freedom Programme
• Why Does He Do That (free pdf online)
• formulate a plan to leave/kick him out

3 years and a baby and seeing a therapist - please say you have no plans to be with him another 3 months never mind another 3 years.

There is no justification for him speaking to you like that.
Asking him to not abuse you will only enrage him further. He is an abuser and therefore he will never correct his behaviour or apologise for it. It will always be your fault.
Leave him before more years go by.

Saying "I don't want to be abused" is never going to work with an abuser. Why would it? It's not as if they don't know what they are doing.

If you don't want to be abused, then you have to end your relationship with an abuser.

Your therapist sounds badly informed regarding abusive relationships. The advice she gave you is dangerous, because (as you saw) it will only escalate things quickly.

I’m concerned that you have a therapist to deal with this man, that’s really not healthy. Also your therapist shouldn’t really advise you per se, they can make suggestions but you need to make them work for you and put them in your language.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your feedback and input — it's been really helpful. I’ve found it genuinely interesting to hear the different perspectives, especially that some people feel his reaction might be somewhat justified in their eyes.

I'm told the therapist has a lot of experience in this area, so we’ll see how things go... but so far, she’s been a really supportive sounding board.

She encouraged me to stand my ground and not to cower as I have been. That’s partly why I said to him, “please can you ask me politely and not look at me like I’m a piece of shit” — which, honestly, was the only way I could describe how it felt in the moment. But you’re right @Lmnop22and @NewBlueNoteBookin hindsight, it wasn’t the most constructive way to express myself and I understand he was frustrated.

Thankyou so much again.. your feedback has really helped me make sense of things.