Emotionally drained and considering leaving

[Futureproof97]

I feel completely broken.
My (28M) husband and I (28F) have been together over 8 years and married for 2. He has had a lot of trauma to deal with and I've always been the one to support him through it, which i've been happy to do, I just had no idea how much energy it had taken out of me. I feel like it's completely emotionally and mentally drained me.
A few months ago I met a new temporary collegue and although absolutely no boundaries were crossed by either party, the connection/chemistry we had was insane, we lost hours and hours talking about everything and nothing all at once and it just felt so effortless, light and good and he saw me in ways and cared for me in ways that my husband has never been able to due to his own emotions being so big and overwhelming. It feels like that connection has woken me up when I didn't even know I was sleeping. It's made me realise i've completely lost myself and love for life while i've been responsible for my husband and holding his life in my hands (he's told me over and over he'd end his own life if I wasn't around).
I just don't know if I have anything left to give but I equally don't know if I can put him through the pain of seperating when he has been through way more than anyone ever deserves.
I'm worried i've got to the point where my mental and emotional capacity to hold our lives together has run so dry it can't ever recover.

You've been supporting this man since you were 20! If you have no children and you want to start a life which involves YOU being happy....leave

See a solicitor, that will help sort the finances

You aren't on this planet to care for your husband to the exclusion of your happiness

However I would take time to be alone. Don't jump into another relationship for 6 to 12 months imo

You can't fix your husband nor are you responsible for him. Thinking you hold his life in your hands is codependent thinking.

If he threatens suicide, call your local emergency # or your local mental health crisis response line or what you have there to deal with emergency mental health issues. This is really toxic.

Leave the other man alone until you have your life straightened out and have gotten a year of therapy.

If you have no DC it could well be a good idea to end your marriage, which from what you describe sounds codependent/imbalanced/ draining.

Would set aside your thoughts/feelings for the other man in taking your decision.

When you say ‘absolutely no boundaries were crossed’, I disagree, based on the information in your OP.

He should never be putting that pressure on you, saying you’re the only reason he’s alive. Awful. As PP said, find a solicitor and sort it out, there are no children so get yourself out. You got together young and it sounds like he hasn’t evolved or really moved on from any of his trauma? If it’s still draining you so much? You deserve a life too.

It’s emotionally abusive of your H to have repeatedly said that about killing himself should you leave.

You can end the relationship for any reason. You have good ones. You don’t need to be inspired by or have a potential future ‘great love’ lined up.

Telling you he would end his own life if you were not around is really out of order and very manipulative of him.
You do only get one life and obviously you are not happy - having a connection with someone else has shown you how unhappy and unfulfilled you are.

Does your husband get support from anywhere else? Doctor, mental health, therapist, family? It may make sense to let people know if you are going to leave, especially if you are worried about him/think his threats may be serious.

It does sound like you have been his carer rather than an equal partner in the relationship and that can be very tough - especially when you are so young still and have a whole life ahead of you yet. Of course you want and deserve love, care, being cherished yourself and you should absolutely have that.

I would also advise not getting into any other relationship for quite some time afterwards. Get to know you again first and that way you will not carry residual feelings and emotions into the next relationship.

Good luck and be happy 🌻

Are you thinking of leaving for this man or leaving anyway? Caring is exhausting and 8 years is a long time with no respite.

Dozer, why do you disagree with no boundaries being crossed? There has been no cheating or even any direct flirting from either side. We've acknowledged we get on like a house on fire but thats as far as it's gone.

I’ve been in the opposite situation, and maybe this perspective will help. For a long long time, my DH sacrificed his needs in our marriage whilst supporting me while I processed my trauma. This is no way to live. Both parties needs are equally important in a relationship and it took me too long to realise this, mainly because my DH was so supportive and caring. However, things came to a head a few years ago when I discovered DH was having an affair. This was his outlet and a way of having his needs met without burdening me with his needs (his words). This wake-up call made me sort myself out with trauma therapy (not easy but hugely beneficial) and mend our shattered marriage.
Please speak to your husband so he can understand how you feel and give him the chance to put this right. I wish my DH had done this years ago to spare us both the pain of what followed.
My life is much richer since my DH has allowed me to care for him and meet his needs and, interestingly, this has been a distraction from my own difficulties.
If your DH will not seek the professional support he needs, or understand that your needs should be met, you have your answer. But please give him the chance.
I hope this helps and things improve
for you.
Oh, and forget the colleague for now!

Agree with this. OP you’ve spent your whole adult life putting your DH needs ahead of your own and it’s taken its toll.

This new person in your life has shown you how it is to be young and carefree again and that there’s another life out there for you.

I think your marriage is over anyway but you need to make that break. I also agree staying single for at least a year and getting therapy before you date again is the best way forward in life

Some of the ways that your boundaries with the OM seem lacking:

• talking for many hours;
• talking about ‘deep’ personal matters;
• ’he saw me in ways and cared for me in ways that my husband has never been able to’ - implies intensity in your interactions;
• you’ve told each other you ‘get on like a house on fire’

All very soon after meeting.

No i'm not planning to leave for this other guy. As much as we got on, if I do leave my husband I definitely need time alone to figure out who I am