DH attention during conversation

[NoSourDough]

Was wondering if anyone else’s DH does this or if I’m making something out of nothing here.

Been with DH a long time (25 years) we have a solid relationship but a difference in faith/belief system. I am very spiritual, he is an atheist.

The problem is that whenever I talk to him about a subject that falls under this umbrella that is important to me, it’s like he deliberately sabotages the conversation . He will suddenly look down at the dog as I’m speaking mid sentence and say “stop biting my ankle” or there will be some other distraction he will be drawn to. In a nutshell, I am left unheard.

i challenged him today then he got shirty and recited everything I said to him and said I had a habit of “glossing over” when he speaks to me about certain subjects to it’s fair play really.

for the record, I don’t go on and on about such subjects. I just find it quite childish how his behaviour changes the moment we are on the subject, borderline rudeness.

can anyone else relate and any advice how to deal with this in the future? Perhaps I just won’t talk about such things.

I’ve always been this way since a child so he knows this about me.

But why do you keep wanting to talk to him about such subjects when you know that it makes him uncomfortable at worst, or he’s not interested at best? It sounds as if you know other people you could discuss such topics with if you felt the need. To continue insisting on talking to him about something you know he doesn’t want to talk about is passive aggressive.

Perhaps he is worried by how your insistence on this emphasises the difference in your beliefs.

He chose you as you are, then. This is one aspect of being with a person for any length of time: when you commit to them, you're committing to the stuff you might find a bit annoying, too. It's not good form to show disrespect. I've been impatient myself in the past, and hope I've grown up enough by now to either respectfully explain why I'd rather not talk about a topic I don't like, or to bear the mild annoyance with grace.

As @80s says, he’s been rude and could have handled it better.

That said, most sceptics don’t want to hear about or discuss things we regard as woo. I doubt you truly thought he’d enjoy that interview? Looks like pure woo!

It’s presumably a difference/incompatibility in your relationship, that you both decided you could accept.

It’s a much more irritating topic for the sceptical than most subjects not of interest to us (eg cycling, cricket, golf!).

It’s like when people launch into conversation about political views they know vary hugely from those they’re speaking to.

Well of course, it was just an example. Maybe a better example is that I'm a humanist and really don't enjoy justifying it to people with strong religious convictions - I never start those conversations and have never tried to 'convert' anyone to my POV, so don't really understand why they want to start those conversations with me, so I always have to politely decline.

Talking to the dead is not science.

Are you just trying to wind your partner up?

I'd rather watch squirrels out the window than listen to that.

Rule of thumb I find, is never recommended podcasts or videos about interests unless a person asks for them. They're never welcome.

This comes after being pinned in a corner for a chunk of time being forced to wash a YouTube video on 5G killing trees until I had to be borderline rude, Just don't.

You were trying to 'convert' him. The giveaway is because she is a neuroscientist. That's an appeal to authority - hey, DH, you can't rubbish this one, it's an actual scientist sharing her batshit analytical nonsense theory!

He was infinitely more respectful than I'd have been in his shoes, but then I'm not married to you. I imagine the foundations of your marriage must include some agreement to respectfully disagree on 'spiritual' matters, and to respect one another's disagreement.

You welched on this agreement by trying to insist on his participation in your special interest.

Wasn't there a comedian who said : "Talking to the Dead, that's easy! It's getting them to Talk Back that's difficult"?

Sorry OP ; but I do think you need to talk with someone other than your husband about subjects like this. I think an awful lot of people would switch off so he's not that unusual.

Me too

This 👆 I try not to make it obvious but most of the time I’m bored to tears by my other half.

Uh…no?

He tolerates but doesn’t respect your views. I get that because I wouldn’t either. not rubbishing your podcast is the best he can do.

My dh and aI are pretty aligned with each other so we still find each other’s ideas and opinions fascinating after 35 years.

No one wants to hear your chats about things that don’t interest them.
Is your aim for him to leave you?

OP, you must always remember, though we don't know everything, many posters on mumsnet do, in fact, know everything.

😂

You can respect a person, but think their views are utter bollocks.

Changing the subject is much more polite and respectful than saying, "what a load of old cobblers, why are you trying to convince me AGAIN?" which is what I would have said. Because it's clear that the podcast is you trying to fit your ideas into his head with 'science'. That's disrespectful and you need to stop.

FWIW OP I can sympathise with you. My DH does this too, I am sharing something I have enjoyed watching/listening to/a news story or maybe my day and he is just not present. He scrolls his phone while I talk, and I always ask if it's a good time to share something with him. He will also fuss the dog, or talk to her while I am talking to him. It's infuriating. I have also told him how hurtful it is, but he just thinks after nearly 40 years that I don't matter I suppose. If I do the same to my adult kids, they put their phones down and we talk and listen to each other. If someone talks to me, I either ask them to give me a couple of minutes to finish what I am doing or I listen, with no phone in my hand.