To not expect faithfulness.. This makes me so sad

[Oleol]

To think that I don't expect faithfulness from my Husband . This makes me so so sad. I have just realized how one incident changed my life completely and unfortunately I cannot change go back and change the past. I wish I could but I can't. I have suffered from anixety for as long as I can remember. Not that I have been diagnosed though. I just say this because I tend to overthink/ over analyze scenarios over and over without pause. But this has brought me anixety on another level as I stated before.

I wrote here on multiple threads that I was unfaithful or rather had a fling when I was 19 and that I had been with my partner from the age of 14. Now happily married with kids. People on here have given advice. To forgive myself and not tell. I know that I cannot tell. There is so much at stake. The biggest being my kids security. The point of this post.. I just realized that I don't expect faithfulness from my husband, even though that's something I would want or that we said in our vows.
That I feel I would turn a blind eye because I feel I don't deserve faithfulness because of what I did 12 years ago.. There are days where I literally feel suicidal. I feel confused and overall just lost myself. I have been trying to get help though. So we will see how that will go

Book an appointment with your GP. Feeling suicidal over an affair in your teens is an extreme reaction. Counselling might help here.

You need a diagnosis as it sounds like you have intrusive thoughts and possible OCD. There's medication that can help alongside other strategies such as therapy. See your Dr.

CALM have a webchat and helpline and if you're in crisis contact NHS Direct option 2 and speak to the mental health team.

I'm sorry for your anxiety.

The thought patterns are quite common though - you have cheated, and for understandable reasons you've chosen to hide your unfaithfulness from your partner, so your mind is also giving you the thoughts that because you did it, it is reasonable to expect him to do it. It's why men who are cheating very often accuse their partners of infidelity - minds work that way, and we assume what we do/think/believe is also what others do/think/believe.

Doesn't mean anything though. Doesn't mean he will at all, and although I would think it a bit hypocritical of you, it also doesn't mean you have to accept it if he does. Although you could choose to. It would be your choice.

I'm not usually a fan but CBT might be the right line of therapy here, as it's an underlying thoughts problem - if you fully processed and got over you having had an affair in the past, likely the thoughts of his theoretical infidelity would also go.

Good luck.

No I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I don't expect him to. I'm saying i feel like if he does it one day, then I should turn a blind eye because of my own shortcoming. But is that what I want in marriage. So I have this constant conflict with myself and at the same time I struggle to resonate with that 19 year old I was or had been at that time. It's all conflicting.

@WrylyAmused sorry I now think I understand what you saying. Read in a hurry

Keep on trying to get help, OP. If you can find a therapist you click with (might not happen first time), it can make a huge difference. I had therapy for one issue and found that the support I got extended to many other areas of my life, too.

If you somehow "fixed" this issue, do you think that would also fix your anxiety, or do you think that your anxiety would latch on to something else to worry about? If the latter, then perhaps what you need to sort out is whatever it is at the root of your anxiety? Perhaps something from your childhood?

19 year olds brains aren't properly developed, you can't keep blaming yourself for something you did when you were 19!

I did a lot of stupid shit when I was 19.
I am lucky to be a live tbh, for eg once when driving in Manchester city centre I drove through a red light at a busy junction with a car full of mates because I wasn't concentrating.
It's lucky it was 2am and not as much traffic as usual.

Intrusive thoughts make everything so much worse and you can't tell what's real/helpful and what's completely ridiculous and unreasonable.

I think you'd benefit from talking to your gp about your anxiety and intrusive thoughts. There's medication, talking therapies and EMDR proven to help with OCD and intrusive thoughts.

This is more than any affair, you need MH help and quickly.

This.

I did a lot of stupid things at 19. Things my 48yr old self would never contemplate. I’d always say keep quiet after all this time, but it’s affecting your life so much. How do you think your DH would react? Can you see a counsellor? Please get help for your anxiety. My mum suffered a lot with anxiety and she did get some help, but always refused to engage with professionals other than the GP. It definitely impacted us kids. It’s so much more understood than it was in the 80’s. You need to give yourself some grace, or confess all. Maybe talking over it with a professional will help.

I don't know. I don't think he would receive it well. He is very in touch with his masculinity. A good man. Good husband and father. But a lot of pride. I have never seen him physically violent with anyone but I obviously know how he is when he is very angry. So I'm afraid of the reaction. I don't think it would be good. (Understandably so). They also a very tight knit family on his side, everyone knows about everyone's business. I don't know how to explain it. It would change their entire perception of me. Then I think of my girls. They are so little, they were not even a thought when this happened. So unfair of me to bring this up and expose them to all of this. At the same time I'm a Christian, sometimes I question is my marriage eve real with such. All of these thoughts go through my mind.. So yeah. Unfortunately, I made my bed. I will have to lie in it..