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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH problems - perspectives please

61 replies

Mrscrabbs · 16/08/2025 09:31

After a good week, we're back to arguing for the weekend. What do people think of this, I think it needs to be totally over now. Sorry this is long, I don't want to miss anything out.

DH is self employed and his hours are unpredictable. It's a hobby that turned into a job. He could work 6 days a week and in the evening he'll be on the phone/looking for machinery/talking about it non stop. He really enjoys it.

To allow him to concentrate on his growing business, I pay 95% of household bills - mortgage, food, childcare, house loans, we split the electric bill. The business has been viable and highly profitable for the last year and a half. He has a sizeable amount in the company bank account but still doesn't take a salary.

Yesterday, I texted him and said I'd like to take DC to the beach either Saturday or Sunday. He ignored the message which is fine as he was working. At 5pm, I rang him to say I was thinking of getting BBQ food and then we could eat out in the garden. He agreed and I said OK it will take me an hour to get to the shops and 30 minutes to cook so we will eat in 1hr 30 mins. He said OK, see you later etc. We don't eat together often as he is back late so I thought this would be nice.

I also mentioned on the phone about going to the beach and he said he was working at the weekend.

So I went to the shop, got the meat. Got home and sent him a text 'food ready in 30 mins' - no answer. Started to serve up the food when ready and text to see where he was. 'Back in 30 mins' was the reply so disappointed, me and DC went to eat without him.

Anyway, he gets home after we have already eaten and he'd been in the pub for pints with a coworker. I wouldn't care about this usually but in this instance feel like he led me on. Why didn't he just say when I first rang him that he had no intention of being back on time. To me, in this instance he made a fool of me and chose his coworker over us.

When I said this he coldly looked at me and said 'I don't want to be with you'. I slept on the couch after that.

Sometimes he will take 1 DC to work with him on a Saturday, so I said to DC last night to stay off work so we can do something nice. I was going to take them to the beach. This morning DH asked DC (11yo) if he wanted to go to work and he said no.

Dh then came in and woke me up and asked what I was doing today. I said I'm taking DC out for a day out. He started saying I was doing stuff without him and he wanted to go. I said we can't all go as we will argue, I just wanted to take DC to give them a nice day. He says I didn't invite him to the beach and he wants to go. But I did tell him I wanted to go and he said he was working.

So he's now driven off to work with my car keys and house keys so I can't leave the house with DC! I think this is control and he just wants to control us all.

Am I wrong here or is he as bad as I think he is?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 16/08/2025 13:30

He’s done what?!

PashaMinaMio · 16/08/2025 13:31

I feel sad that you are having to deal with this awful situation. Your post was oddly triggering for me.

He’s a bully and a controlling arsehole. He’s a taker and you are supplying him. What more does he have to say over and above that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore? Call his bluff, watch the colour drain from his face when you do so.

Get legal advice because it will be empowering. You may not end up doing anything but take advice so that at the very least you’ll be armed with knowledge and possibilities.

MounjaroMounjaro · 16/08/2025 13:35

You are paying him to live with you, OP. It's a ridiculous situation where you're paying for everything and he is disrespectful as a result. We've seen tons of threads on here where teenage children behave in the same way. This has to end. He's not going to suddenly pay for everything so that you can have your money for yourself, just as he's done. He's not going to pay half. He's fucked off leaving you completely stuck. I wouldn't forgive that.

First thing Monday morning I'd be on the phone to a lawyer. For now, do you have the password to any of his bank accounts? You really need to take screenshots of everything now.

I'm so sorry. He's a complete bastard.

CrispieCake · 16/08/2025 13:42

He is abusing you and quite frankly adds nothing but stress and anger to you and your DC's lives.

Bradley28 · 16/08/2025 13:43

It’s coercive and abusive, and it sounds like he has got you pretty tied down.
Pretty certain you retain the right to stay in the family home until your child leaves education, so you can get him to leave. I think.
He sounds like he could turn quite nasty- you said you would have to fight him to get your keys back, or he would break a window to get in. Try and find a copy of a DASH assessment online and assess the level of danger you are in. If you score highly, I’d speak to the police and see if they can help you leave safely. If not, id probably try and claw some money back from him, hide spare keys etc in the house somewhere, have a safety plan in place and prepare yourself to leave him. Women’s Aid are very good at giving sound advice.
if he is taking your keys and essentially trapping you in the house, he will escalate his behaviour. My ex used to do this, and he tried to strangle me eventually.
stay safe x

MissNowt · 16/08/2025 13:44

Once you get the keys back OP, get another set made & hide them. That way if he tries it again you can lock up & leave. So sorry you’re going through this. Flowers

Dabberlocks · 16/08/2025 13:46

Him stopping you from leaving the house by taking your house and car keys is effectively keeping you prisoner. You live in a remote location, you can't use the car and you can't walk anywhere either. You can't leave the house because you can't lock up.

This man is seriously abusive - financially as well. He makes you pay for everything and won't spend any of his.

I think you should report him to the police.

50lbstolose · 16/08/2025 13:47

Call 111 and report it.

If you really want to be rid of him today, I would;

report it and let them know that you are getting the locks changed and sending him a bag of stuff. Call a locksmith immediately and Either get someone to take his stuff to him or put it in a taxi to his workplace.

So you have someone that can take your children for the night and someone to stay with you to keep you safe?

oviraptor21 · 16/08/2025 13:55

If he's on the deeds OP won't be able to make him leave without a court order. I'd get in touch with a domestic abuse charity for advice on what you can do in your situation.

EverybodyLTB · 16/08/2025 13:57

He’s definitely abusive in many ways, that’s clear to me reading. Please do report him to the police, this is unhinged and they should see it as such. Taking your keys and car keys is (even on a basic level) theft, but coercive control and emotional abuse which is illegal. You’ll need records of his behaviour so do speak to the police and ask them to retrieve your keys and tell them he’s done it before - that’s what I’d be doing. When you’re properly separating/divorcing, this man will be even more disgusting than he already is, you need evidence, you need to build up a case for yourself before it’s even begun. Download WhatsApp chats, get police involved, write down all instances when you remember them. He will be awful once you actually declare you’ve had enough and will pretty much explode from narc injury. I speak from experience!

To stop you going out with the children during the summer holidays is particularly nasty behaviour. This is the shit my EXH would pull, taking keys and ruining days out. Makes me shudder just to think. My evidence built up against him made me the ‘winner’ in the end, though. Record everything through the proper channels, even your GP is a good place to start building evidence.

dogcatkitten · 16/08/2025 14:07

What a childish thing to do, this would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Ring him and say if he doesn't bring your keys back NOW you're calling a locksmith to get another key for the door or the locks changed. Don't you have spare car keys? Call a garage, AA or RAC, etc to see how to get a spare car key, if that's not possible I would hire a car for the day or take a taxi to the beach.

Or can you jam the front door shut and go out through the back door and lock that one, get a taxi to where he is working and ask for your keys, I hope he has employees you could do it in front of. Or just get a taxi to the beach.

If for some unknown reason you stay with him after this, particularly if you don't do any of the above and allow yourself to be trapped there all day, at least make sure you have extra keys made (don't tell him and keep them in a safe place) so at least this can never happen again. I would be so furious I would probably have moved out before he came home though.

EverybodyLTB · 16/08/2025 14:13

Ring the police, tell them your keys have been stolen as part of coercive abuse tactics by your DH. Tell them where he is. This not only solves your problem at the moment, but will be good evidence further down the line.

Also you won’t be able to get him out of the house without there being abuse, so document that abuse with the authorities while he’s literally in the middle of doing it. Text him and ask for them back/tell him etc and show his response to the police too. Get all of this shit recorded. If you have a ring doorbell or anything save the footage too.

Notquitegrownup2 · 16/08/2025 14:58

Woah. Slow down folks. If op reports this to the police now, he will simply say it was an accident that he took they keys - they were in his pocket etc, then op will be stuck living with him in a worse atmosphere

Get your ducks in a row, op. See a family lawyer. Get a screenshot of his bank balance. Talk to women's aid or the police to log this event and the coercive control when you are ready and have a plan to move out - or to move him out - safely

Notquitegrownup2 · 16/08/2025 14:59

I'm not minimizing what he has done - it's horrendous - but once he knows your leaving things could turn very nasty. Make your exit plan from this relationship with advice from women's aid.

Pinkfreedom · 16/08/2025 16:50

One thing I would add is do not tell her m about seeking legal advice. If you start getting your future plans together don't tell him. Tell him.nothing until you are ready to split (if this is your decision). Men like him can turn very nasty. Good luck.

Original poster
Mrscrabbs · 16/08/2025 19:16

Thanks all.

I actually have voice recordings of him being vile on two other occasions in the last year so this should help? I listened back to them today and it was quite upsetting and makes me realise why I feel worthless.

He was back this evening and asked to forget everything and I said no. I mentioned the bills again and he said he would give me 500 more per month with him if I go somewhere with him that I really don't want to go. I said no so he said he won't pay any more.

I'm going to arrange to meet a family law solicitor and see where I stand. He thinks if he's vile enough I'll leave and just let him have the house but we have a lot of equity in it so I can't do that. He's going to be furious about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrscrabbs · 16/08/2025 19:22

I'll also call womens aid to see the best way to keep track of his behaviour.

I feel so stupid, I have a good job, pay for and run the house, do 90% of childcare for our 2 kids and yet I'm in this situation.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 16/08/2025 19:34

He's a fool. You will get at least 50% of the house as you are the main childcare provider, and I would tell him that you'll be going after half his business too.

He won't get to just keep everything - it's clear you've paid for most things. I would be seeking a solicitor first thing Monday.

This marriage is dreadfully abusive.

DeedlessIndeed · 16/08/2025 19:41

Remember OP, you will also get 50% of the business if you divorce.

No doubt he'll be a twat about paying CMS if he isn't going to pay himself salary. So make sure to get details of the business accounts and give to the lawyer.

BreadInCaptivity · 16/08/2025 20:01

Start getting your ducks in a row.

Get copies of as much paperwork as you can - mortgage, pensions, bank statements and business accounts.

Most importantly get yourself an extra set of keys for the house and hide them (along with your spare car key).

Keep a log of everything his does and especially any texts.

Ask the solicitor what your position is about getting him out of the house given his abuse re: locking you in. Possibility of a non-mol order?

Consider moving out with the kids and renting until the house can be sold.

Make sure you have bank accounts separate to any with his name on (if you don’t already) and get your salary paid into that.

He’s a nasty bastard.

Missj25 · 16/08/2025 21:05

Mrscrabbs · 16/08/2025 09:31

After a good week, we're back to arguing for the weekend. What do people think of this, I think it needs to be totally over now. Sorry this is long, I don't want to miss anything out.

DH is self employed and his hours are unpredictable. It's a hobby that turned into a job. He could work 6 days a week and in the evening he'll be on the phone/looking for machinery/talking about it non stop. He really enjoys it.

To allow him to concentrate on his growing business, I pay 95% of household bills - mortgage, food, childcare, house loans, we split the electric bill. The business has been viable and highly profitable for the last year and a half. He has a sizeable amount in the company bank account but still doesn't take a salary.

Yesterday, I texted him and said I'd like to take DC to the beach either Saturday or Sunday. He ignored the message which is fine as he was working. At 5pm, I rang him to say I was thinking of getting BBQ food and then we could eat out in the garden. He agreed and I said OK it will take me an hour to get to the shops and 30 minutes to cook so we will eat in 1hr 30 mins. He said OK, see you later etc. We don't eat together often as he is back late so I thought this would be nice.

I also mentioned on the phone about going to the beach and he said he was working at the weekend.

So I went to the shop, got the meat. Got home and sent him a text 'food ready in 30 mins' - no answer. Started to serve up the food when ready and text to see where he was. 'Back in 30 mins' was the reply so disappointed, me and DC went to eat without him.

Anyway, he gets home after we have already eaten and he'd been in the pub for pints with a coworker. I wouldn't care about this usually but in this instance feel like he led me on. Why didn't he just say when I first rang him that he had no intention of being back on time. To me, in this instance he made a fool of me and chose his coworker over us.

When I said this he coldly looked at me and said 'I don't want to be with you'. I slept on the couch after that.

Sometimes he will take 1 DC to work with him on a Saturday, so I said to DC last night to stay off work so we can do something nice. I was going to take them to the beach. This morning DH asked DC (11yo) if he wanted to go to work and he said no.

Dh then came in and woke me up and asked what I was doing today. I said I'm taking DC out for a day out. He started saying I was doing stuff without him and he wanted to go. I said we can't all go as we will argue, I just wanted to take DC to give them a nice day. He says I didn't invite him to the beach and he wants to go. But I did tell him I wanted to go and he said he was working.

So he's now driven off to work with my car keys and house keys so I can't leave the house with DC! I think this is control and he just wants to control us all.

Am I wrong here or is he as bad as I think he is?

He doesn’t sound great OP ..
How hurtful saying “ I don’t want to be with you “ , when he knew he was in the wrong ..
Taking your car keys when he knows this means no day out for DC , asshole ..
Is he unkind in general ?, if so , sure why do you want this guy in your life , what you’ve said above is not the way it’s supposed to be x

Pinkfreedom · 16/08/2025 21:11

Obviously my divorce was a long time ago but my ex blocked me on the joint account as soon as he heard about my divorce plans.
My solicitor immediately took action that ensured I was given a small lump sum to tide me over until family home was sold (sold it within days of going on the market).

Not sure if things have changed now but it shows that the law takes a very dim view of controlling behaviour

TangerinePlate · 16/08/2025 21:36

OP, you’re playing a long game here.

He’s abusive and will stop at nothing to punish you.

Be very careful,this is the most dangerous time.

Play it nice,in the meantime gather as much paperwork and evidence as you can. Get kids birth certificates and passports hidden. Get an appointment with solicitor.

By telling you to “forget it” shows that he has a lot of contempt towards you and knows exactly what he’s doing.

Please consider speaking to Woman’s Aid.

Good luck 💐

NewDogOwner · 16/08/2025 21:42

It's great to read this and see the scales falling from your eyes. This is a really horrific time but everyone is behind you.

CrispieCake · 17/08/2025 00:26

Mrscrabbs · 16/08/2025 19:22

I'll also call womens aid to see the best way to keep track of his behaviour.

I feel so stupid, I have a good job, pay for and run the house, do 90% of childcare for our 2 kids and yet I'm in this situation.

You're in good company. Lots of clever, intelligent, hardworking women, many with great jobs, who are victims of coercive control. It is insidious.