Advice for someone US based

[brightyellowbanana]

Someone I know is in an abusive relationship in the US. She has described him as emotionally and financially controlling, ND, flies off the handle (he has lost control and screamed at strangers) and he has hit her once. They have a young child.

She is now at the point she wants to leave and I am worried for her safety and how he will react. Do any of you know if there is a US equivalent of Women's Aid, or any other US based resources that I can suggest she contacts?

Thank you

In most states there are lots of local organisations she could investigate.

What state is she in, and what area - there's a big difference between the resources available in a rural county and, for instance, New York City.

Does she have access to a smartphone that is private, or a local library? Google gives (if she has a phone) will also tell her what she needs to know. She needs to be careful to wipe her search history. A local library often has a collection of local resources.

A mainstream church nearby (RC, Episcopalian, Presbyterian, Jewish temple) might also be a resource for her - she should steer well clear of baptists and all other fundamentalist clergy. Basically, if she finds a church that flies a pride flag or has a banner saying it's 'inclusive' or any mainstream church (as mentioned) she could be signposted to resources.

She's going to have to look for local, county, or state domestic violence resources and they can vary widely, depending on the state.

She should be using a private browser and check her electronics for keyloggers and trackers.

If she has upcoming doctor appointments, she can alert them that she's a dv victim.

@brightyellowbanana, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233.

Googling ‘domestic violence help’ and the name of her town should pull up agencies that provide assistance. I just tried this and found 5 or 6 links in my town.

Ditto all of the excellent suggestions by @mathanxiety and @outerspacepotato.

i would advise to tread carefully for a few reasons especially depending on her status and of her husband and child. If she has citizenship, then it’s a relatively “level” playing field. If her leave to remain is dependent on the marriage staying intact and the child is American and she isn’t, then she needs a very good immigration lawyer as well as a divorce lawyer too. There are real horror stories out there where women aren’t able to travel out of country for years at a time, she won’t be able to leave the states either until things are settled as The Hague convention is enforced in the USA on the side of US citizens. I am
in Canada but have family in the states. What state is she in?
Finally, he sounds really dangerous with the potential to lose his mind if she leaves. I wouldn’t breathe a
word or hint of anything until she is fully committed to leaving and plans to never go back, sounds mad that she would go back but it’s incredibly hard especially when the hoops you have to jump through are massive. She will have to be very brave, good luck to her.

A green card works the same way as naturalization or birthright citizenship, as far as leave to remain goes. The only difficulty is with a visa that is effectively a trailing spouse visa. This woman will have the choice of leaving her child behind if there is a country of origin she wishes to return to immediately, or staying until the child is emancipated at 18. At 18, it will not be easy to leave. If she has a green card and anticipates leaving at some point, she should consider applying for citizenship so that she can return for extended periods to see grandchildren, etc.

Even as a citizen or resident alien, she probably won't be able to leave the state to live, let alone the country, and horror story though her husband may be, unless he has been convicted of a violent crime related to her or her child and is incarcerated, the child's father will have visitation rights. This means she will need to stay within reasonable driving distance.

Many states are no fault divorce states, so the cause of the relationship breakdown is irrelevant to the settlement. The divorce process will be about marital debts and assets. Debts like a mortgage will have to be paid off (meaning the family home sold and equity divided). If she has been a sahm for any length of time, she may be entitled to more than 50% of the equity kr marital assets. She may be entitled to spousal support (alimony) and unless 50-50 custody is awarded, she will receive child support. Other debts will also need to be settled - credit card debt is an example, and personal loans. If her H has a personal cc that she has never had access to, she can dispute any onus to pay that off jointly.

She can expect her H to fight to get 50-50 custody and to make her life a misery via co tact about the child regardless of the custody and visitation arrangement. This is where the real fight takes place with no fault divorce, and a determined ex can use the family court to file spurious allegations for years, with allegations of parental alienation being taken seriously by the courts even though research has shown that this is pure misogyny. Free legal aid rarely extends to post divorce matters so she may well find herself on the back foot if her H retains good earning power (or if he is an attorney as my abusive exH is).

While she is making her plans, she needs to get cash back at the supermarket if she is able, and to open her own bank account asap. She can opt for paperless statements. She should also see if she can buy store gift cards for places like Walmart, so she can use them in emergencies. Walmart sells groceries, clothes, hardware, car accessories, does car services like tires and batteries, and sells necessities like TP, and has a pharmacy. If she can get herself a Target card to use for Target purchases and pay the minimum off monthly that would be a good way for her to build up credit. Getting a secret burner phone in Walmart would be a good idea if she can keep it completely hidden.

She will need to investigate whether she will qualify for food stamps and medicaid for herself and her child. There are also cash benefits available. All welfare is strictly means tested in the US. Child support paid to a parent does not qualify as earned income for the purposes of means testing iirc. The state I am in does not look at your bank balance so her share of marital assets would not be counted if her state is the same.

If she has online access to her local library (assuming there is one) it may offer access to a great many resources to improve her employability (online Microsoft suite tutorials, for instance) and some libraries have computers available for the public to use.

There may be offerings in her local community college/ junior college that would train her for a job - healthcare courses such as phlebotomy, etc, are usually short and doable. She might qualify for financial aid to do a community college course. She would need to contact the college directly to find out how to do this.

Law schools often have free legal aid clinics, and metropolitan areas often have free legal aid organisations. She should make contact asap with free legal aid for a preliminary conversation about her options and what she can expect. A free legal aid org might also be able to signpost her to aid/ support organisations.

In general, women's aid type orgs are great at moral support, most can signpost to legal aid, but there is a chasm between the understanding of abuse that she will find there and the validation she will receive, and the experience she will have in the family courts as she tries to do her best for her child. Even if she has made DV calls to the police and can show evidence of her H's abuse, family courts start with the assumption that if a father falls short of murdering his child, he is a fit parent, sadly.

Thank you all so much for this advice and information. It is really helpful and I'll pass it all on. She does have internet/phone access and has already been in contact with one lawyer, but is wary of proceeding, having been warned that he is likely to get shared custody. I particularly welcome the reminder about her browsing/search history because this is something I had forgotten about. I am worried she is underestimating his likely reaction, hence why I'd like her to contact organisations who have experience helping women like her. She is a US citizen and is in the same state as her family, which helps. Thank you again everyone.