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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my marriage over?

15 replies

Cscsbsmum · 16/08/2025 07:52

We have been married for 14 years and have two kids together. Our Relationship has slowly deteriorated over the past few years, with our busy lives getting in the way. Neither of us made an effort and we allowed ourselves to get caught up in all the functional stuff and drift apart. He became withdrawn, l became a nag. Everything fell on my shoulders- organising kids, finances, holidays, days out, house stuff, etc (I also work). But l expected our marriage to get better- I knew it was a busy stage with two young kids. However, two weeks ago, my husband stayed out late and cheated on me with someone else. He told me about it the next day. He has been staying at his mums for the past two weeks. He has apologised but it doesn't seem sincere. He isn't fighting or making any effort to show that he wants to work on our marriage. Yes he says he does but he shows no effort to make a plan, etc. even just asking if I want to go out for a walk to talk without the kids there would be a start. I honestly don’t know what I want. But I am finding it hard to want to work on our marriage since he isn’t showing me that he will do anything to make it better! Do I walk away now? Is it too late to save this marriage?

OP posts:
PrincessOfPreschool · 16/08/2025 07:56

I think you definitely walk away and tell him why. It's crushing to self esteem to be cheated on, but then for him to make zero effort to win you back is even more crushing.

You will feel so much better if he's not in your life. So much lighter. I'm not sure what he's adding to your life or family dynamics but I can imagine you will have a bit more free time if he has the kids occasionally. And you will all be happier without his dead weight.

MynameisJune · 16/08/2025 08:01

He cheated and told you so that you’d be the one to end it because he’s a coward.

Leave and don’t look back.

Nibblenobble · 16/08/2025 08:03

It sounds like your marriage has come to the end of its shelf life and he has then banged the final nail in the coffin by cheating which instead of giving you a 50/50 chance of getting through this patch has changed the odds to 20/80. It will take a hell of a lot of effort from here and this will need to be by both of you as it sounds like the marriage was clinging on by a thread before the infidelity. It won’t be easy now you know what he has done.

Perhaps it’s time to accept that the marriage is over and you need to split.

Headstarttohappiness · 16/08/2025 08:06

Or go for that walk, if you think you’ll never know whether there was any way back if you don’t meet him.
I’ve no experience of this tbh. I do know I’d rather regret the things I did do than the things I didn’t do. Take care of yourself.

Cscsbsmum · 16/08/2025 08:46

Thanks. I would like to speak to him properly so that, as you say, I have no regrets. But just can’t bring myself to be the one initiating it. I guess I’m scared to walk away- we have been together 20 years and built our life together. I wouldn’t know where to start being a single parent- things like Christmas, holidays, etc all just seem so sad and bleak. But I know I have to be brave.

OP posts:
CalzoneOnLegs · 16/08/2025 08:51

Like a PP said, he wants you to end it, what a transparent move.

Firefly100 · 16/08/2025 09:00

Agree with posters above - he has done this to make you be the one to end it. That would tick me off. My actions would depend on your financial situation. Assuming he is a main income earner and contributing significantly to household bills I would be tempted to be passive for a while whilst I come to terms with the end of my marriage. Act as a single parent and come to terms with that life. Let him stay living apart and still paying the bills and just keep asking him what he proposes for how to fix this whenever he gets in touch. Don’t do the breaking up effort for him until you want /need to. You don’t owe him anything anymore.

OverlyFragrant · 16/08/2025 09:05

Take back control. Now is not the time to be passive.
Tell him you were expecting him to at least make an effort to address the issues, and he hasnt. You therefore have no choice but to call it a day, no more accepting less than the bare minimum.

It isn't easy, but will be worth it in the long run.

Notmyreality · 16/08/2025 09:07

By your own admittance the marriage was already pretty much over. You don’t even really seem that put out by the cheating tbh so much so I would barely even class it as cheating- ‘cheating by technicality of still being married’ is how it comes across. So sounds like it’s definitely over and you should start having some tactical conversations between you about how to proceed.

financialcareerstuff · 16/08/2025 09:11

Yes I agree. When people show how much they care, (rather than say it) believe them. He don’t care enough to work hard on the marriage or carry his weight through it. Bye didn’t care enough about how you would feel not to cheat. He doesn’t care enough to get off his butt and fight for you. Don’t give more of your life to someone who hurts you and doesn’t care much. I’m sorry OP. I j no is it must be so painful and it is very unfair…… and I’m sure he believes he loves you on some lovely, disconnected to actual action and effort. But I can’t see a route to him ever making you happy and you deserve to be happy.

Cscsbsmum · 16/08/2025 09:12

I am hurt by the cheating but I genuinely don’t think it meant anything. Silly nonsense at the end of a drunken night. His attitude since is what has hurt me the most. As Firefly100 said, I almost feel like why should I put in all the effort, even in breaking up. But I also know I cannot go on like this for much longer- the uncertainty is killing me. Financially, I will almost survive- it will be tight but by remortgaging and almost starting again (25 year mortgage 😬) I think I could just about manage. Not what I had planned at this stage in my life. But keeping the house for the kids stability is important to me.

OP posts:
Cscsbsmum · 16/08/2025 09:13

financialcareerstuff thank you for your kind words 😢

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 16/08/2025 09:17

I hope you find your anger soon @Cscsbsmum he cheated on you. Whether it meant anything or not he purposefully had sex with someone else and then told you straight away. He isn’t fighting for you because he doesn’t want to be married to you but he also doesn’t want to be the bad guy blowing up your lives so he’s making you do it.

Up your standards!! If you have a daughter is this how you’d want her life to be, married to someone who doesn’t want to be married anymore.

Cscsbsmum · 16/08/2025 09:18

Harsh but thanks

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 16/08/2025 09:23

I get it, it’s scary. But don’t stay with him out of fear, you deserve to be loved properly by someone who truly wants you!

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