Married for nearly 8 years, two kids under 10. One is very little though, only starting school soon.
Always our relationship felt to me suffocating and not fulfilling me. He was quite suspicious, possessive, jealous… once found a note that said:
- to follow one day Obvious
- to put a camera/ recording machine at home to check what she’s into
… and some other nonsense.
We were only 1 year into the relationship and already living together. That was way before AirTags, spy on smartphones etc, back in 2014. I had given him any reason, at the contrary he was the one who very early on went on a date with a girl while he told me he was going somewhere for some work. I discovered this later accidentally from some texts. He claimed they didn’t have sex -not sure if I believed him. I think he was suspicious with me and jealous thinking I had other guys before him. He claimed I was his first, we were in our mid 20s, I found it so odd. But still so many years later if ever ask him he insists about this.
Slowly but surely I started detesting him but at the same time feeling like I can’t live without him. I was in a very vulnerable place, had just emigrated when I met him in a country, where he was immigrant too. I didn’t want to go back to my country as my family were bullying me or even abusing (my sister starter a whole smear campaign against me, accused me of all sorts of things, other siblings weren’t bothered, parents were just sad, my mental health was deteriorating, then one day my brother also attacked me physically and by sweating at me -ex heavy drug user who was “only” smoking weed then and still living at parents home at 33 years old)
Boyfriend said some massive lies and kind of future faked me, he said he had a degree of a highly respected profession but he was just not into it and preferred to be a tradie, as he made better money (not). The latter I realised early on it was Bs as I had to save him many times, lending money and then he might had a good job and we would go for holidays where we would pay something like 70/30 so he’d rub in my face that it was fair I was paying more bills or offer him amounts here and there. I wasn’t able to have a good chuck of money at once but he was at times so he’d use that to prove he was stronger financially than me. I found out about the lie with the degree when I was pregnant, after I broke up with him and went back to my country where no one was supportive (again) and I fell into depression. The reason I decided I had to go far away from him is because I cheated him once witn someone who showed me affection, interest and flirted me, he found out and punished me in a very mean way. It’s like his worst fears had come true.
He convinced me to come back, meanwhile we moved in an area that’s close to his mum, brother and some other relatives he haas, all of them toxic and fake nice (at best) on my face and being bitchy when I turned my back.
Anyway, when we got back together it seemed that the year we had away from each other made me totally oversee all the bad things that already had happened whereas he came closer with his toxic family and whatever good qualities he had just vanished or his mask slipped even more. He easily got angry, lashing out, accepting bad comments from his family about me without defending me, I just couldn’t get my head around why did he try so strongly to bring me back if he was clearly not even in love with me.
I should leave then, we were 3-4 years into the relationship then including the break we had (although we kept in touch a lot, he even visited me)
I quickly fell pregnant. I had 9 years of hell. Pregnancy full of tears, none of his family cared, we struggled financially because he quit his job and I had quit too as I had a plan to do a different job that involved travelling but with the news of pregnancy I couldn’t proceed. I didn’t want to go back to my old workplace, I was bullied at work and the profession was a bit risky to pregnancy, it involved heavy lifting. Eventually I found work mid pregnancy and he just got desperate too and went back to his job. We bought baby stuff really the last minute, none of his family came to visit and offer to bring a couple of baby vests or anything. They were punishing us both. They were hoping I would lose my baby or run to my country, so out of sight out of mind. They said nasty things to my boyfriend that maybe the baby wasn’t his. He continued saying these things till baby’s 1st birthday that we celebrated with this “lovely” family and they ruined for me.
My family met their grandchild after the first birthday as it was so complicated to issue passports from the consulate, we should have married before the baby or I shouldn’t have put him in the birth certificate was the reason. I even given his family name as a surname that doesn’t show my heritage but only his (so stupid I was). He had promised to do this and he would marry me. Months later he didn’t show any sign he would do that. I almost dragged him to town hall to have a simple/2 witness marriage for security to my child. He never really proposed even when we booked together the date/handed the paperwork, he gave me a ring that was supposedly a family thing, later I found out his mum found it on the street and told him to give me this. I still wasn’t happy and told him I wanted something else and we chose together something cheap as I was highly anxious about the money, it got smashed one day a few years later.
from time to time he would call me a f b, referring to the cheat of years earlier. I had said then that it should be over and he begged me to stay and also to forgive him of what he had done to me after I confessed it all. Now I’m thinking he didn’t deserve a confession and I should deny, deny, deny (I know unpopular opinion, but I put myself in a very vulnerable position)
This continued into my motherhood, I had no support with the baby,I got diagnosed with PND. I was on ssris for over a year and it wasn’t my first time. Just before I met him I had stopped them when I decided to move abroad younger. That first time was due to anxiety, some ocd tendencies, panic attacks, it was due to the neglect and abuse I had endured as a child, teenager, I was prettified, seeing my parents focusing on brother with drug abuse or other siblings, I just did it all by myself, worked since a teenage and studied by myself at uni, and some other awful experiences.
I tried to do happy things with my baby, join baby groups make mum friends, that didnt always turned out good. I met a nasty couple from my husband’s country who wanted to be really enmeshed with us as a couple, they were like our best friends and children played together. Soon they joined the bullying and toxic in laws relatives tendencies and said some nasty things and behaving to be passive agressively. I found texts from the guy to my husband telling him to put him in my place, show me who’s the boss and give me some beatings to find my place. The woman (supposedly my best friend) was melting when she was seeing my husband like a little school girl. And laughing heartily with my husband’s bad jokes about me not being “good enough”. It was a very weird couple that seemed like they wanted to break us and that they just hated me because I didn’t dance to the tune of the wife (over demanding about meetings, play dates etc)
We were at the worst point constantly arguing especially wherever anyone would visit us, his relatives or the “friends”. I could literally see these people smirking when they succeeded to enable my husband to turn against me. It all seemed like a bad dream. Fighting all my life with poverty, trying to survive, trying to escape abuse…. Why did they just not leave us alone to raise our child? He had good tendencies around the child, with playing, caring, doing some chores. Still a lot of weight on me and no help. Even calling my family sometimes would trigger me, they would say some nasty things except my poor, frail mum. My dad was always selfish, a gambler and made me feel ashamed for marrying a foreigner and it was my problem after all that I made a family abroad. Similar things were said by my siblings.
I caved in in a very short affair that nearly blew up our family. I thought I needed some escapism but the guy (who I knew for a few years and I felt him as a friend although with minimum communication) went head over hills about me. He was pressuring me to leave my husband etc, I wasn’t ready for something like this, I then regretted so much my impulsiveness, cut the whole thing. My husband found out, exposed me to everyone, even to friends who live far away, some of my family members. One of my sisters found the opportunity to think she’s a saviour or something and was speaking with my husband about how they come up with a plan to take the child away from me “as I was obviously unwel” . It all blew up and I was very scared of the consequences although this time I didn’t confess the physical aspect, I said it was an emotional affair only as I was scared. It all lasted around 2 weeks. He said he forgives me and wanted to stay together when I said it was really time to break it off.
It’s been 4 years since then. I’ve been called a f b numerous times. Even when I was pregnant with the 2nd. He said he will speak when the time comes to our children to see what a b I am. Meanwhile he had told me years ago his mum had full on affairs for months/years and out of desperation I mention sometimes that if he thinks I’m a f b* because of my actions that makes his mum tok one and h gets very angry. By the way works long days, many hours away from home and I discovered that he was a member of a dating site around the time I had the sort affair during the marriage. It all started when we said to each other “we’re divorcing” and we were acting like not being a couple for some days (but we didn’t give the light to each other for affairs, i understand I was wrong)
I had social anxiety that everyone knows in the area, panic attacks, I was more withdrawn. I tried and tried to keep up for my children. I tried to be closer to him, show affection, show him that after all I’m in love with him. Nothing worked. I have fallen out with his family and I’m not anymore tbe good girl (I used to host them, cook for them etc) and he hates me for this I think.
He has threatened to leave us numerous times, never does it.
Recently I had some issues with my health, no support whatsoever.
Then for two days in a row he called me a f b for small issues like if I said oh why is that plate with food out here? Or why are the kids on phones let’s do the bedtime.
It was like on a Sunday, it was an important day for me for some reason, I was expecting some flowers or to make me a coffee or something kind and then later to go out and celebrate it. Just us, as we’re isolate and we have no circle.
These two times of calling me yet another time a f b ….. when I wanted to have a nice Sunday and a nice Monday which was the last day of school by the way, just destroyed me.
I am depressed since then. I mean I guess more than before. I hardly care for chores and for showering. I do a shower every 2 days sometimes after 4 days. I don’t drink enough water and not eating enough during the day, then suddenly I want to eat in the nights. I can just get by preparing breakfast, lunch and maybe cook one dinner per week, the rest he does the cooking or once I do something easy.
We dont have tension any more, it’s been three weeks. He things I just overcame it.
Im a SAHM. We don’t own a house, I don’t have much savings. My confidence is rock bottom, regarding my work abilities too. Although I have a degree that would lead in a stable job, I feel like I will ruin it. He has always accused me of not being a good professional although sometimes it was his fault I messed up.
I don’t find a meaning to anything anymore. Everyone betrayed me in my life, in turn I betrayed my partner and I paid the consequences. I don’t understand why so much evilness, enviousness and carelessness, simply because I married into that family but I don’t dance to their tune. They wanted me to work and my husband just potter around and “work” (we did that at some point when I returned back to work, I maintained the family mostly -he was snatching the tax credits to sit and look for clients) I got burned out and quit to take care of my toddler (I was even paying for nursery so he could have time to look for work) and he had to man up then again and grab a job.
I just don’t find any point to it all. Everything has been difficult even mum friends and arranging play days, so I just do my own thing.
But I think i may deserve some love and affection, something I have been craving for since my childhood. I don’t know how to proceed. Sometimes I think I should make a bit more patience as I dread to think how it would be co-parenting with him. And how they will be all these people around my children when they will spend time together. Willy they bitch about me? Will they put them down to revenge me? Surely I haven’t felt that they relay care for them or truly love them because if they didn’t they wouldn’t upset their mum so much.
some of them use a foul language around children and 3 of the men in this environment (including the ex friend) are alcoholic, one is more a functioning alcoholic and not saying stupid things but acts a bit weird but my own husband told me he’s an alcoholic. He has also distanced himself from them since my own relationship with them isn’t good/non existent but I have a feeling if we break up they will be craving to hoover him back in, it’s his circle anyway. I was thinking to wait till my children are a bit older as I don’t trust these people.
I feel so trapped.