Anyone ever had a nice guy turn super jealous on you?

[halfyorkshiremanhalfessexgirl]

I'm 49, have been in a really open loving relationship for 5 years with a kind, funny, smart man. We live 7 minutes apart both have children.

He is super jealous over any male friendships or connections I have. He has been trying to hide this but it gets triggered once a year as I go work at a festival without him (he has been one year) and he can't cope with me being away from him and it triggers his insecurities really badly. This year he sent me 200 texts over the 5 days.

Of course I can say I'll never go again, or he can come with me but I'm worried about the future that there will always be sonething else.

Any advice?

A controlling person who would harass you with 200 texts in 5 days would brush right past your "kind".

You say what you want to happen.

X, you've been harassing me and I'm not going to see you anymore. I hope you go to therapy.

And block them.

'how do I help him to get help...'
You don't. It is NOT your job to fix him, or to help him find ways of managing this. He is an adult. He needs to do it himself.

'...and be kind'
Again, it is not your job to be so kind and nice about it, or to go out of your way to avoid hurting his feelings. You need to put your own feelings first.

Don't get sucked back in. Tell him he needs to sort himself out and that you will not tolerate this stuff any more. It has to stop.

Sadly I think this behaviour is probably far too ingrained now at his age.

I worked with someone whose husband wouldn’t even let her go to the Co-op alone.

He really needs to commit to some serious therapy and only you can decide what you want to do.

Wow it's November and I just want to thank you all for your help cos I just reread these messages just when I needed to.
Things got better then worse then better then worse and now he is trying to say it's over so I'll beg him to stay.
I'm not going to do that.
Oh, two weeks ago he looked through my phone when I was asleep and I still stayed with him.
Thanks all for your wise words, it's so great to get so many perspectives, and of course, a general consensus.
I really thought I had a lovely one.
We were meant to be going to celebrate 6 years together this weekend.😔

aah, OP. Im' sorry to hear things haven't improved, but I'm glad you're seeing him for what he is.

By the way, if you don't beg, he'll come back anyway - trust me - so be prepared to stay strong.

And to answer a question you asked a few months ago re what to do to help him? the anser is there is NOTHING you can do except encourage him to seek counselling. The childhood trauma and all the rest may well be the truth, but that's not a reason to abuse you. If it's impacting his life, he should seek therapy so that he can work through it.

Spoiler - he won't. Because he doesn't really want to work through it. He just wants to position himself as the victim as a way to control you.

I'm also 100% confident that his controlling behaviours were present in a bunch of other ways you didn't even notice. From calls and texts when you were out (to the point you avoided going out/came home early/chose not to tell him who you were with), to how you behaved when you were together - I bet you didn't dare ave a bad day or be snappy as you'd be punished for days/weeks? And the reverse is true too - did you fid uyourself nervous about how HE would be after a difficult day or whatever because it would hugely impact your interactions? Did you routinely do more chores/pay for more things becaue otherwise he'd have a meltdown because his life was so hard? Or of course, if he did do a chore or paid for something, did you need to be soooooooooo grateful?