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Original poster

Need help with avoidant husband

47 replies

Winorlearn87 · 14/08/2025 22:59

Hi all! ❤️ I’m newly married in a long distant relationship of 2 years. I plan on moving to his country next year.

I’ve realised the dynamic of our relationship is anxious (me) and avoidant (him). I love him deeply and leaving is not what I am looking for. I need help.

I have been educating myself about his attachment style. And I’ve realised that I have been chasing him, been in the emotional anchor in the relationship and he has been responding to that. Ive always been the initiator. I have come to realise that he has very little to contribute emotionally to our relationship and that he has very base level safe ways to feed me little communication; enough to keep me attached. I’ve always known in and of myself that I never feel fulfilled when it comes to conversations. My heart and soul is always left yearning.

In the past and in my ignorance of attachment styles. I have poured my heart, soul and tears to express to him how much I need him to talk to me, to understand me, to connect with me on a deeper level and obviously this never worked now that I realise what avoidant attached are like.

Just over a week, I have decided I would hold back but remain warm and open for him to connect with me. I decided I will meet his energy and not overpour from myself. Initially I experienced a tonne of anxiety, wanting to reach out with anything to soothe my anxiety from him but I knew it would only be received with the minimal he contributes. I started to redirect my energy back to my old hobbies and passions that sadly got lost because I was, for the most part of my relationship with him, trying to appease to him and his ways.

I am not set out out to punish him nor do I have any intentions of negativity in this new way. I just don’t want to feel depleted anymore. I have made a rule to give to him from a place of overflow in myself and not from my anxiety. I am in this journey redirecting myself to become more secure I guess but at the same time I learning how invested he is in us. We are rolling onto the 5 day of him not reaching out at all.
I am searching online for videos or audio of any relationship experts touching on married couples similar to mine. But I can’t see anything as of yet. It’s always about people who are dating and the anxious or secure taking a step back to make the avoidant realise he wants them etc. I’m not that in dynamic. But I am collecting data at this point. I am aware that his attachment style at the moment is going through confusion and discomfort as I’m not over-pouring like I used to. And as much as I am using my time to busy myself and redirect my anxious energy into soothing myself alone… it does baffle me. 5 days!!

It’s easy to interpret this negatively and that is widespread on the internet already. But as I mentioned I’m not set out for that.

But I do need some input. Anyone who’s had journeyed similarly. Any success stories. Any advice? Any direction?

Thank you all kindly. ❤️

OP posts:
AnotherVice · 14/08/2025 23:06

You don’t have a marriage or even a relationship by the sounds of it! Respectfully, you’re deluded.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 14/08/2025 23:08

Just wondering why you married him, if he's been like this throughout your relationship, or has his avoidant behaviour just started recently?

MsSmartShoes · 14/08/2025 23:10

As someone 23 years in to this dynamic- cut your losses. He is incapable of meeting your emotional needs. You have a yearning need for connection and he just wants to be self contained. He’s not withholding anything - it doesn’t exist within him. I hope this saves you years of anguish.

MsPug · 14/08/2025 23:11

What a word salad that was

Silvertulips · 14/08/2025 23:11

Why all the research?

Are you happy?

If no - find someone who makes your heart sing.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 14/08/2025 23:14

Also is this an arranged marriage, so you feel that you have to make it work?

MiloMinderbinder925 · 14/08/2025 23:16

I think you're doing exactly the right thing. It sounds as though he has become the focus of your life and you need to start centering yourself.

Instead of reading up on attachment styles, get some therapy to work on your anxiety. You might find challenging your thoughts, meditation or distraction helpful.

Stop expecting him to turn into something he's not. You say:

I’ve always known in and of myself that I never feel fulfilled when it comes to conversations.

Accept that and stop therapising him.

Original poster
Winorlearn87 · 14/08/2025 23:16

@TracyBeakerSoYeah we’ve been happy. And for the most part he is amazing. I admire him in many ways and we have hobbies and passions that align. But I guess the honeymoon phase as it were has passed and we’ve stepped into a new stage of a growing relationship.
Now, understanding attachment styles, I don’t hold
it against him that he has his coping mechanisms. I’m just no longer giving from a depleted me. I haven’t reached overflow yet. I can easily resort to returning our relationship to the warmth it’s familiar with but it’s unfair to me and I will become (as I already have come to a realisation point) burnt out and I don’t want that reaching catastrophe, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Typicalwave · 14/08/2025 23:19

You have set yourself up for a lifetime of having zero of your dmotional needs met so he can feel safe and comfortable.

TalulaHalulah · 14/08/2025 23:23

You sound kind, lovely and caring. And it is clear that you care for this man and have given a lot of yourself to this relationship. It is good that you have realised that you cannot keep giving.
The problem is that you are asking us how to help you manage with a husband who does not communicate with you for five days and expects you to always initiate the communication.
As far as I can see, you have two choices

  • to accept how he is and give what you can whilst getting on with your own life.
  • to walk away, get on with your own life and in time, find someone who is able to meet you half-way or more and loves you how you would like to be loved.
My personal view is that only in this second situation can you even contemplate moving countries. What if you have children and then cannot leave? You do deserve someone to love you fully and express that to you, to want to contact you and make sure you are okay. You cannot do this all yourself.
Eric1964 · 14/08/2025 23:27

@Winorlearn87 Attachment theory is merely that: a theory. It can be, I'm sure, a useful description of a person's behaviours, but it is no more than that. It is not an entity in itself. I suggest you don't accept it as an ultimate truth.

PolyCat · 14/08/2025 23:29

I would just keep not initiating and see what happens. Control your anxiety- see a therapist and a psychiatrist while you’re at it. There are wonderful anxiety meds that can help.
In a month of not speaking maybe you’ll find that you don’t need him anyways

Aria2015 · 14/08/2025 23:37

I think unless your dh recognises his attachment style, acknowledges that it negatively impacts your relationship and is willing to try and move to a more secure attachment (he'd likely need therapy for this), then you're fighting an uphill battle.

People can change their attachment style but it takes a lot of work to grow and willingness to look inward. You can't change his attachment style for him. You can however work on your own attachment style - you say you're anxious attached, which is a common coupling with avoidant partners. A fully secure person, wouldn't couple themselves with an avoidant.

If you don't want to break up the relationship, the best thing you can do is work on yourself and look to others, beside your husband, to fill your emotional cup. You can also fill your own cup too. Your spouse shouldn't be your single source of all emotional fulfilment anyway.

Avoidants fear conflict and retreat from it. It's possible you pulling away these past 5 days could be leaving your husband concerned something is 'wrong' and his instinct will be to put his head in the sand and hope things go back to 'normal'. He'll lay low until you come to him. He won't come to you, because he'll be afraid it will lead to potential conflict. So I think it's unlikely you taking this approach will lead to any sort of epiphany on his part I'm afraid. I think it will just make you more anxious.

Faez · 15/08/2025 00:20

He's just not that into you

Masmavi · 15/08/2025 00:34

MsSmartShoes · 14/08/2025 23:10

As someone 23 years in to this dynamic- cut your losses. He is incapable of meeting your emotional needs. You have a yearning need for connection and he just wants to be self contained. He’s not withholding anything - it doesn’t exist within him. I hope this saves you years of anguish.

This.

Beesandhoney123 · 15/08/2025 00:37

You live in separate countries. You haven't even started living together. You aren't in a relationship thar resembles the marriage you envisage.

He can't possibly keep up deeply emotional communications every day. No one can. They have stuff to do, and can't moon about. Unless conning you out of money or using an AI bot.

Do you talk of your move, preparations, jobs? Are you on a forum out there for local women? Making plans for making rl friends over there? Get practical. Get him to sort some stuff out for you both too.

He hasn't replied because he has literally no idea what to say or what you are talking about imo.

Pick up the phone. Talk about weekend plans. Sound fun and busy and be fun and busy.

squashgummies · 15/08/2025 00:42

I had a relationship like this a few years ago. Granted, it wasn’t long distance but it was always me initiating things and occasionally I would match his energy and not reach out, only to be disappointed when he would take days to contact me. Eventually we broke up and looking back it’s blindingly obvious he just wasn’t as into me as I was him.

You deserve better and hopefully one day you’ll see that. In the meantime, please look after yourself and perhaps consider therapy for your anxiety.

Loki64 · 15/08/2025 01:13

Me and my partners relationship was like this for around 2 years, also long distance.
We broke up for about a year, no contact, went to therapy. We got back together and ive seen zero signs of his avoidance for two years.

augustusglupe · 15/08/2025 08:01

I would only do this as part of a plan forward, as in a plan to leave him.
As you don’t even live with him yet, get out now OP and don’t move country!!

TheGoddessFrigg · 15/08/2025 08:06

This sounds absolutely EXHAUSTING. Why would you marry someone who you need to 'research'? Bad enough when you are dating but marriage is supposed to be a break from all that.

Keroppi · 15/08/2025 08:12

So you already don't do your hobbies etc to appeal to him and obsess over him - and you want to move to his country
Where not only will you be isolated without friends, family or hobbies, but you will feel the full experience of him ignoring you IRL.
Time to reassess your relationship, sorry to be blunt
You're wasting your time therapising and analysing
What is he doing
Not talking to you or thinking about you for 5 days!!!! Insane. He's not arsed

ChristmasFluff · 15/08/2025 08:16

You need to research how attachment styles are bollocks, which is why so many people (usually women) believe they have an anxious attachment style when actually they have a partner who doesn't care about them.

You have a fantasy relationship, and if you were not long-distance it would become apparent far more quickly. I agree with those who suggest divorce, and finding a partner who is as into your relationship as you are.

myplace · 15/08/2025 08:20

You are doing exactly the right thing in reconnecting with your own life. Build it up. Become self sufficient. That’s much healthier for you, no matter what else happens.

It’s possible that when you lost yourself in the rush to please him, you also lost something he valued and was attracted to. You may be more fun and interesting being fully your old self - for him as well as for you.So keep it up !

However, it’s also possible this is him, regardless of who you are, and that it will never be enough for you.

Was there a plan or purpose in marrying someone who lives in a different country? Is there a benefit to either of you, perhaps having the right to travel and work because of your status in two different countries? How did it come about?

Snoken · 15/08/2025 09:01

ChristmasFluff · 15/08/2025 08:16

You need to research how attachment styles are bollocks, which is why so many people (usually women) believe they have an anxious attachment style when actually they have a partner who doesn't care about them.

You have a fantasy relationship, and if you were not long-distance it would become apparent far more quickly. I agree with those who suggest divorce, and finding a partner who is as into your relationship as you are.

I kind of agree with this. I am pretty sure that you can have different attachment styles with different people. I find that with other secure people I have a secure attachment style. With anxious people I will have an avoidant attachment style because they tend to overwhelm me and the pressure makes me withdraw. I sometimes have an anxious attachment to my children if I know they are going through things and are becoming avoidant. I think different dynamics create different attachment styles and I think OP is most likely being a bit too much for this guy so he's withdrawing rather than trying to reassure her. Nobody is two dimensional.

MKDex · 15/08/2025 09:04

So you:
Married a guy who doesn't live in the same country as you
Married a guy you'd only known two years
Married a guy you've never lived with before
Married a guy who doesn't meet your emotional needs

What is in this for you exactly?