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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need help with avoidant husband

47 replies

Winorlearn87 · 14/08/2025 22:59

Hi all! ❤️ I’m newly married in a long distant relationship of 2 years. I plan on moving to his country next year.

I’ve realised the dynamic of our relationship is anxious (me) and avoidant (him). I love him deeply and leaving is not what I am looking for. I need help.

I have been educating myself about his attachment style. And I’ve realised that I have been chasing him, been in the emotional anchor in the relationship and he has been responding to that. Ive always been the initiator. I have come to realise that he has very little to contribute emotionally to our relationship and that he has very base level safe ways to feed me little communication; enough to keep me attached. I’ve always known in and of myself that I never feel fulfilled when it comes to conversations. My heart and soul is always left yearning.

In the past and in my ignorance of attachment styles. I have poured my heart, soul and tears to express to him how much I need him to talk to me, to understand me, to connect with me on a deeper level and obviously this never worked now that I realise what avoidant attached are like.

Just over a week, I have decided I would hold back but remain warm and open for him to connect with me. I decided I will meet his energy and not overpour from myself. Initially I experienced a tonne of anxiety, wanting to reach out with anything to soothe my anxiety from him but I knew it would only be received with the minimal he contributes. I started to redirect my energy back to my old hobbies and passions that sadly got lost because I was, for the most part of my relationship with him, trying to appease to him and his ways.

I am not set out out to punish him nor do I have any intentions of negativity in this new way. I just don’t want to feel depleted anymore. I have made a rule to give to him from a place of overflow in myself and not from my anxiety. I am in this journey redirecting myself to become more secure I guess but at the same time I learning how invested he is in us. We are rolling onto the 5 day of him not reaching out at all.
I am searching online for videos or audio of any relationship experts touching on married couples similar to mine. But I can’t see anything as of yet. It’s always about people who are dating and the anxious or secure taking a step back to make the avoidant realise he wants them etc. I’m not that in dynamic. But I am collecting data at this point. I am aware that his attachment style at the moment is going through confusion and discomfort as I’m not over-pouring like I used to. And as much as I am using my time to busy myself and redirect my anxious energy into soothing myself alone… it does baffle me. 5 days!!

It’s easy to interpret this negatively and that is widespread on the internet already. But as I mentioned I’m not set out for that.

But I do need some input. Anyone who’s had journeyed similarly. Any success stories. Any advice? Any direction?

Thank you all kindly. ❤️

OP posts:

Cynic17 · 15/08/2025 09:12

OP, I don't understand why you are seemingly so obsessed by "attachment styles" and the need to constantly analyse your marriage. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you have had too much therapy.
Long-distance relationships can be tricky, yes, but you need to accept that there is more to life than this marriage, and enjoy what you have. Think about your work, friends, hobbies etc, and make sure they all have your attention. If you make your husband your sole focus, expecting constant emotional conversations, you will drive him away. For good.

TwistedWonder · 15/08/2025 09:14

A 2 year relationship shouldn’t be this difficult and require so much navel gazing. You really think putting this much ‘research’ into a man is normal? Cut the therapy buzzwords and look at the dynamic in plain English and you’ll find it’s a crap relationship that doesn’t benefit you.

I agree with PP - this isn’t a marriage, it’s a delusion and a fantasy.

You're setting yourself up for a life of chasing someone who doesn’t really care. Why?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/08/2025 09:20

I feel the answer lies in this bit. Can you explain a bit more about this, how you met, why you aren’t together etc

I’m newly married in a long distant relationship of 2 years. I plan on moving to his country next year.

UncertainPerson · 15/08/2025 09:33

Look up the part where anxiously attached people tend to stay in relationships that are not working for too long.

Longnightmoon · 15/08/2025 09:38

You are completely incompatible. End it

Longnightmoon · 15/08/2025 09:40

he will never give you what you want. You are trying to compensate by getting it from this thread. That is not going to work either. You will not be happy or satisfied in this relationship, he is probably overwhelmed by your needs and unhappy to.

You both need to find people you are more compatible with

cramptramp · 15/08/2025 09:44

What a palaver. I honestly couldn’t be arsed. I’m surprised that he can be arsed as well tbh. You’re not compatible. You want something different. What’s the point?

Ugggg · 15/08/2025 10:01

Well done you for trying to fathom this out and change this before you move. Have you tried CBT? If it works for you it’s a really helpful device to change default emotional reactions so you regain some control over what’s happening to you.
You really shouldn’t move countries for him - I expect you know this though find it hard to acknowledge, but it sounds as if you’re getting there.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 15/08/2025 18:41

AnotherVice · 14/08/2025 23:06

You don’t have a marriage or even a relationship by the sounds of it! Respectfully, you’re deluded.

A bit harsh but it doesn’t sound like a relationship which can ever meet your needs. I applaud your efforts to look inwards and fulfil yourself rather than seek fulfilment from your partner. I do worry though at you moving abroad and leaving your connections behind (presumably) for someone who isn’t capable of meeting your needs.

MMUmum · 15/08/2025 18:53

As I understand it he doesn't communicate with you on anything but a superficial level, and as a response you are now communicating only superficially with him, going back to your hobbies to soothe your emotional needs. Basically he doesn't speak to you, so you don't speak to him, this seems to work for him but if it doesn't work for you then you need a new plan. Would he agree to marriage counselling, in an attempt to make him understand where you are coming from?

Cherrysoup · 15/08/2025 19:08

Hello, OP! Are you coming back? If it was an arranged marriage, I’d have thought they’d be living together by now, isn’t that usual? Does he even know you at all if you’re in different countries? I mean, at one point (I was young and clueless) I was ‘engaged’ to an American but quickly broke it off when I came to the conclusion that we had no idea about each other but what I did know was that I didn’t much like him. He was in America and I was in the UK after meeting in France.

tripleginandtonic · 15/08/2025 19:15

Omg, that all sounds too much like hard work. If you told me that as my partner is would do my head in.

Rachand23 · 15/08/2025 19:24

OP did you get AI to write your posts?

Diblin93 · 16/08/2025 01:12

It sounds like you want to change him. The only person you have control over is yourself. Walk away. Quickly.

Deadringer · 16/08/2025 01:17

That is a lot of words to describe a man who is just not arsed.

noodlebugz · 16/08/2025 09:13

Why did you get married? Was it for religious or cultural expectations, even then it seems extremely foolish long distance after a short period without the emotional commitment from him that you need / deserve? Is it too late for an annulment or something similar?

It all seems very odd and doesn’t really sound like a relationship.

Is there some financial dynamic at play with either one (him) moving countries?

intherough · 16/08/2025 09:58

You are incredibly lacking in emotional intelligence- you need serious therapy hun. No amount of online videos or analyzing is going to change anything.

user1492809438 · 16/08/2025 18:42

Cut out the waffle and dodgy analysis, are you happy?

Toptops · 17/08/2025 09:01

Sounds like he's with someone else in his country

AmIEnough · 20/08/2025 08:08

It seems to me that you are not well matched at all! I hate to say it but I think you’ve made a mistake here and I can’t see this relationship lasting because you cannot change how you are as easily as you think and neither can he.

LucyLoo1972 · 05/02/2026 02:49

Typicalwave · 14/08/2025 23:19

You have set yourself up for a lifetime of having zero of your dmotional needs met so he can feel safe and comfortable.

this. I am married to an avoidant and it has completely and utterly broken me

Sodthesystem · 05/02/2026 04:02

Oh honey...whomever adapted attachment styles (which was a study done on toddlers) to adult relationships need a swift boot to the stones imo.

So many women going 'my partner is avoidant' when infact, he's just a soul sucking abusive wanker. Or in this guys case...just not that into you, it seems.

I hope you never plan on having kids with this guy because that's obviously a non starter.

Why don't you thibk you deserve better?
and why would you ever think you would get it from this waste of air?

You should never have to beg someone to respect you or your feelings.

Respect yourself and get out of this sham marriage whilst you still can.

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