Foreplay

[Self0discovery0]

Been together 9 years, 2 children.

He has never attempted foreplay!!…I think I’ve always ignored the situation (and was happy about it to start with) but more recently just thinking how strange it is

My ex before him was very adventurous in the bedroom, way more than me and I found myself saying no to stuff all the time or reluctantly doing it even though I didn’t enjoy it so when I met my husband I loved the fact there was zero pressure. It was very passionate at the beginning and ripping each others clothes off and getting straight to it felt natural, from time to time it became a passing thought that it wasa little odd but that was it.

there was one occasion when I was drunk at the beginning and sort of “ordered him to use his hands” 😂….looking back he did it but not for long but that is seriously it!! He has never attempted oral on me.

i used to attempt HJ’s and BJ’s at the beginnng, he always swiftly moved on from it and also told me once he actively dislikes BJ’s.- 99% sure it’s not me before anyone says that!! But he never attempted to touch me apart from the drunken night I mentioned

fast forward 9 years and there is zero touching of boobs/body. Sex he expects to kiss for a few mins and then get straight to it, I’ve said to him numerous times I’m not turned on yet but he’s not getting the hint -

anyone else had this or know someone like this! Is it “normal” I don’t know if my past experiences/encounters are skewing my views!

thanks

You need to stop hinting. You need foreplay so you're not injured during sex and it's not painful. Your husband doesn't seem to enjoy foreplay, which is fine but he is assuming you don't either.

He sounds either selfish or inexperienced and sex sounds very perfunctory. I think it's time to shake things up and there are options. Lube, toys, sex therapy, clear communication and OMGyes could all lead to a better sex life.

Thankyou. Sounds crazy but I find it hard to bring it up!!! Will have a look at the link 😊

Ex of mine hated BJs so Dh may be telling the truth.

You need to have a chat with DH about it, find out why he doesn't. Tell him you enjoyed that one drunk time. You need to communicate with him. I

Is there any way the too of you can go away for a night or two without the children and try something new?
People like different things as your DH and Ex prove neither is right or wrong. Like you wanting to be touched before/during the act nothing wrong with it.

I left and ex who was perfect in every way except kissing! Couldn't stand kissing him as he was all saliva, nothing wrong with that just not my preference. His wife either enjoys it or trained him to do it better! Who knows which it is?!

He is using your body simply to satisfy himself as quickly and easily as possible. How vile.

I can't imagine that's very satisfying for you. Doesn't it hurt if you're not 'warmed up'? Most women can't orgasm through penetration alone, so I'm guessing you're often left without having reached one? Doesn't he care about that?

I'd definitely talk to him, as awkward as that is. Tell him the 'wham, bam, thank you mam' isn't working for you any more and you'd like to introduce foreplay. Buy some lube, buy a small vibrator and give him some gentle direction. If he cares about your pleasure he'll oblige and if he doesn't... well, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who didn't care if I got my rocks off or not...

My goodness he sounds so terrible in bed! Why do some men have no clue? You have to be more assertive- don’t let him get away with being so selfish!!!

Religious reasons? And simply don’t care about your pleasure. He knows that you need a foreplay , he doesn’t want to do it.

Could he be gay?

My thougt too

Sounds awful.. try to talk to him about it

Why are you suggesting he could be gay? Gay people (M/F) need foreplay too. It sounds as if he is just treating OP as a machine to get off.

Foreplay is so inappropriately named, it’s so much more important than that. When l’m with someone new l always tell them that I’ll let them know when I’m ready for entry. But foreplay should be enjoyed by the 2 of you.

Oh, if only this was addressed at the beginning. OP, normally in situations like this, l would suggest some oral only sessions as part of the mix, but, seemingly, there is no mix. Does he ever go down on you?

l think it really is going to be a case of saying to him “not yet, l’m not ready”.

I imagine they are asking because if he was gay it would explain why he doesn’t want to touch her.

He’s not interested in her boobs or her vagina.

I would think doubtful, because, sadly, she is being used as a fucking machine. To me that sounds more selfish than gay.

This hadn't even occurred to me. It sounds like a valid possibility though!

OP, I think you need to have a sit down with your DH and ask questions and set some boundaries. I'd start with: sex is for both of you and you both need to enjoy it....

Thanks everyone in answer to some of the questions-

I'm kind of half lubed up and as he starts going in gently it eventually gets there…to be clear he waits for my signal doesn’t just shove it in lol

no it’s not religious reasons- neither of us are religious

yes I can climax through penetration (if I’m fully in the mood) - probably the reason why it’s never really been a major issue especially pre kids. However post the second child I haven’t had one because I’m never fully in the mood- the mental and physical burden is mostly on me for house and children etc so I’m always knackered, stressed and it’s the last thing I want to be doing mostly!

I think inexperience does play into it as his perception on being selfish is finishing quickly- we have sex once a month at best so when we do he kind of says oh sorry I’ve been selfish because I was bursting, acknowledges it wasn’t good for me as I visibly haven’t orgasmed to which I reply I have to be mentally in the mood….i know it’s down to me to communicate but I find it hard

Gay- I’ve had no other reason to think so but I guess anything’s possible. Anyone been in this position and what were the signs?

I’m at the point that I want to bring it up hence coming on here for others opinions as quite frankly I find it hard and need a little push. I think he’ll be shocked that I have an issue after all of these years. We are so flat out with work the kids and the house that by the time the eve comes I want to rest and zoom scroll not address this lol

So it’s not just a lack of foreplay then (although that’s a big issue) it’s that he seems to think that your orgasm is a nice extra but not essential. If you haven’t come during PIV he needs to be doing something afterwards to make sure you do. This really shouldn’t need pointing out to him but you’re going to have to. An ‘I’m sorry that was so quick’ and no effort to make sure you’re satisfied really doesn’t cut it at all. A conversation seems long overdue!

Maybe he’s got away with not bothering about his partners’ satisfaction up until now and actually doesn’t have a clue what to do with hands or mouth, in which case you’re going to need to teach him. There’s no point in putting this off, he needs to know. Have you read ‘She comes first’ by Ian Kerner? Might be a good place to start for you both….

I really don't understand how you can get 9 years in, marriage, two kids before this has come up?

This is surely "dump him after the 2nd time you've had sex because he was crap at it again" territory.

You've got 2 possibilities. Either he's monumentally inexperienced, or he's selfish.

Either way, you need to sit him down and explain to him that he's been woefully underperforming for the last 9 years. Explain what you need and that he has to step up his game.

And then either he does, or he doesn't, and your left with the choice of either never orgasming again or ending your marriage.

Also to say, are you finding it hard to talk about now because you find it hard to talk about your needs and preferences in general? You say that he waits for your signal before PIV, but you also say you’re only half ready (which means not ready). So are you telling him you’re ready before you are because you feel you should, because when it comes to it his wants rank higher than yours, or because you don’t think you will ever get there anyway so you might as well get on with it, or because he’s rushing you? Or something else?

As hard as you might find it you really have to have a frank talk with him. Has he been living under a rock all his adult life that he thinks this is ok? I find it hard to believe that it’s just lack of experience personally, he sounds clueless about what you want but more than that he doesn’t seem all that bothered.

yes I just say I am to get it over and done with. More recently I actually feel irritated in the moment that he thinks it’s good enough so It definitely isn’t a rush thing it’s a I want to get it out the way thing!

Ooh no I haven’t read that. I will take a look thanks!

honestly I don’t know how he has gotten by, his ex did say to me once “well at least I can have good sex now”…should have been a sign!

im thinking of suggesting some kind of sex therapy/fun type activity, karma sutra type things so it opens up a space for conversation. I don’t know how else to raise it, I don’t want to make him feel like shit! Generally when I tell him I’m unhappy about something he makes every effort to change so delivery is the key here

thanks everyone I’ve been in denial/ignoring the situation but I can’t forever!

OP, my (ex, for other reasons though) DH, came before me and then just rolled over and stopped. He did this once (early on) in our entire 20 years together. The next time we had sex, I did it to him. Came first, then just stopped and quietly wriggled out from under him, and snuggled up. He was gobsmacked. I explained that, as he did that to me last time, I assumed first past the post and then stopping was just how we did things? I was calm, innocent and totally nonchalant about the whole thing. He never made that mistake again. Try it!

Ok well yes, that can’t carry on with you just getting it over with every time. You sound very accommodating and lovely and very keen not to upset him. I completely get that but I think you might need to be more direct…and he will probably appreciate knowing where he stands once he’s over the initial shock. I’d go with something along the lines of ‘I need to talk to you about something important. Some of what I’m going to say will be hard to hear but I ask you to listen and take it on board. I’m saying this because I want us to flourish long term and we’re not going to do that unless there are some changes because I’m already feeling resentful and that’s not good for our marriage.’ And then tell him why sex isn’t working for you - and why it’s important that it does.

All the best OP and good luck!