Feel so sad about friendship.

[LizzieSiddal]

A couple dh and I have known for 30 years decided to have a trial separation a couple of months ago and in the last few weeks have decided to divorce. I’ve been trying to contact my friend over the past few days but messages are not being delivered and I’ve found out tonight that she’s has a new phone & number and has only given her new number to people she wants to stay in contact with.
We’ve shared so much together over the years, weddings, pregnancy, dc etc, NY eves with all the dc, long weekends etc etc. We also let them stay in our home for about two years while we were working elsewhere. We’ve shared a lot of laughs and also helped each other through hard times.
Neither dh or I have taken “sides” we want to be there for both of them, even if it’s separately.

She’s the one who has instigated the split and I know she’ll be going through hell at the moment but I can’t believe she has completely cut me off, Im absolutely floored by it. I know I could get a message to her via her soon to be ex H, but I’m not sure if that is the right thing to do because she’s made it plain she doesn’t want to be in contact with me. I’m not sure what to do.

Could it be that she had/has someone else on the go and doesn't want to be judged? That was my first thought when I read your post, as I had a "friend" who did exactly the same! Cut off all ties with old friends, because she'd been seeing someone during the marriage and seemed to keep the friends who didn't know her ex or them as a couple. I suppose it made the guilt easier for her as the other friends couldn't side with her husband! (The split was all her doing as it turned out and he was devastated).

Thanks for your reply.
Funny you should say that, she told me at NY that her H kept saying he thought she was having an affair, she said she wasn’t and that he was mad and paranoid, I believed her at the time. He still thinks she’s got someone else, suppose we’ll soon find out who’s been telling the truth!
But yes that would explain her completely cutting off friends of 30 years. Also it’s all happened so quickly, they were supposed to be coming to stay with us about 6 weeks ago, they texted the week before and said they were having issues and were trying to work things out, she’s now got the house up for sale and has cut off lots of people. It’s kind of like it’s all been planned for a while. It’s all so sad.

She might be very overwhelmed at the moment and just need time away from people who were a big part of her married life. I’d recommend giving it time and she’ll probably get back in touch. Might take a while as she sorts out her life. Also not getting personally offended by her behaviour, she’s probably in complete turmoil. It might be because you’re such a close friend that she needs this space. She’s probably not ready to go into close friend details. Also good idea not to judge, who knows what really goes on in a friend’s marriage.

I don't know why you have jumped to that conclusion. She's probably super busy and hasn't gotten around to adding all numbers to her phone, or reaching out to people. If you are local, just go to her house. If you aren't get her number from the STBEX or try contacting her on FB messenger or by e-mail. You absolutely MUST reach out at this point. There will be a way - put it this way, if this was your child, you'd figure out how to make contact. No excuses. None of my "friends" did and I've never got over it.

It may well be that she is the instigator of all this. It may also be there's a lot more you don't know. She said he was being paranoid. It may be that she was lying and is just a terrible person but it could also be that his paranoa and lies and delusions have been a problem for years and that frankly,s he's cutting off everyone she thinks might be listening to his lies.

I would be inclined to try to contact her directly but not through her ex. A card/letter or whatever and say you want to be here for her. Then leave it to her at that point.

Yes if you can get a simple message through via ex husband even via a letter saying ‘here always when you need me, call anytime, but understand if you need some space too’ will probably work and take the pressure off. Knowing you have a friend’s support even if you need space is a great comfort.

She hasn't made it plain at all.

Get in touch with her.

As someone who has recently experienced a profound change in their marriage, I would say that it is just difficult for her to talk period at the moment, other than to a very few people. It doesn't sound as though you have done anything wrong but it may just be the nature of the friendship you had that is preventing her getting in touch with you.
That's not to say you shouldn't try to get in touch, but don't expect a quick reply.

Thanks for all your replies, they have given me a lot to think about. I think a card to her house with the message-I’m here for you, but understand if you need space or time- is the way to go.
I did think of FB but she’s no longer a friend (not sure how it works, don’t know if she’s blocked me or deleted her account, also they live two hours away so can’t pop by.)

Thanks again.