Is it ok to just not be ready for a serious relationship?

[Charlotte433]

I left my ex husband 6 years ago after discovering his affair. We have 2 young children that we co parent.
since then I have had a few relationships- I’ve enjoyed the company and the time with them (when mr children are with their dad) but I’ve had no inclination to introduce them to my kids or merge lives

friends and family have suggested I should be ready to do that soon. I’m unsure if it’s a protective thing, a trauma response or what. I can’t actually figure it out. I know eventually I would like to live with someone again but right now I just don’t feel ready.

has anyone experienced this?

Of course it is perfectly fine not to be ready now, or even not to be ready every again in your life.

Don’t pay attention to anyone who suggests it’s compulsory to be in a relationship. Go at your own pace and do what works for you. Children first ✅

friends and family have suggested I should be ready to do that soon.

It's a relationship not a smear test.

Ignore them.

You'll be ready when you're ready (if at all). There's absolutely no rush.

I would like a relationship though, but not with the steps of blending families or moving in together

Ignore your friends. It’s absolutely fine to not want to be in a relationship right now - or ever again

Its your life, your choice. Dont let anyone else dictate how to live your life.

Do as u please.

Neither are compulsory. I know plenty of people who keep their relationships and their family lives separate.

IMO it’s a lot better than the women who move a succession of men into their kids home.

I feel like you. I would never cohabit again. It’s a valid life choice and one that’s be lmk b more common.

It took me 6 years before feeling ready to have a proper relationship with someone again, and I didn't have kids to consider, so I think it is totally fine for you to feel the way you do.

I would love to be ready for this and the man I’m dating would love to do these things with me. I’ve been to counselling, I’ve done the work and I think I’m simply not ready and I can’t force myself to be ready. But I wish I was

I think it's fine, in fact great, to do what you're suggesting.

I think deep down everyone knows that moving new partners in and blending families is really bad for the kids in virtually all cases. But the majority of people do it. So if you don't do that, you become a standing rebuke, a permanent reminder that it's possible to not do it, which in turn must mean that those people who do do it are actively choosing to do something that's against the interests of their children.

Therefore they're psychologically incentivised to encourage you to do it, so as to ease their cognitive dissonance. If you blend families, they can go back to thinking it's just something everyone does, they're not doing anything wrong.

OP, every response up thread says it all. Nobody is in disagreement.

I’ve been dating someone for a year after five years of being single. I have absolutely no desire or plans to ever live with him. I’m enjoying it for what it is. We’re committed to each other, we love each other. That’s enough. It’s great, in fact. Stepping off the relationship escalator (or being thrown off, because my exH had an affair 😁) is liberating and gave me space to consider what I actually wanted.

Same.

I’m in a similar position OP. Me and ex have been split for two years, in that time he has had two girlfriends (introduced both to our young son against my advice) and I had a casual relationship for approx a year that I’ve just ended because I know I don’t want to blend families, my son has never known about my relationship and I’ve only ever spent time with the guy when my ex had son.

But I’m different in that I know I don’t want to live with anyone ever again and I 100% don’t want to introduce son to any man as my partner.

For me, a casual relationship which did not involve my son would be ideal, but in reality I was struggling for time to see a partner and felt spread too thin, so gave it up.

you’re allowed to make your own rules, you don’t “have” to be ready for anything. You decide if and when you’re ready, if that’s in 6 months, fine, if it’s never, also fine.
you’re doing absolutely the right thing by your child.

Thank you.

can I ask why you feel no desire to ever live with anyone or introduce to your child?
I think I’d like to live with someone again eventually but when I do not know.
also not keen on introducing to my child

Of course! For me I guess it’s just a personal choice, I enjoy my own time and company and just find I prefer living alone (with my child) for many reasons so I don’t want that to change, it’s mine and my sons house, it would feel strange to me to just tell him one day I’ve decided someone else will move in with us and change our whole lives.

Regarding introducing my child, firstly if I’m not going to live with anyone then there’s really no need. But I suppose I feel like me and him have got a good thing, I don’t feel like he would benefit from being introduced to a partner of mine. I see many of my friends living with blended families and honestly none of them seem particularly happy about it, and the kids even less so, obviously there will be some extremely happy and harmonious blended families but they’re in the minority in my experience.

My son had the upheaval of his parents splitting up, I just want to create as much stability and predictability and security for him as I can. And this is the way I feel I can do that the best.

I 100% agree. The only thing for me is I’d like another child at some stage so not quite sure how I’d manage that without having a live in partner, if I didn’t want another child I wouldn’t even think about it

I’m probably quite a bit older than you then but when me and ex split I desperately wanted another child, to the extent that I seriously considered sperm donation. But I thought it might feel awful for my son to have to go between me and his dad and a new baby/little sibling to constantly be with me. Plus any risk of complications etc (I’d have been an older mum) would potentially change my existing sons life for the worse.

So I think it felt like I’d be doing it just because my heart wanted another baby when in reality it wouldn’t really be in the best interest of the family I already had.

I still feel a pang when I see newborns, and my son I think would’ve loved a biological sibling and he’s wonderful with other kids but yeah, that just wasn’t meant to be for us.

I like to think that maybe things are working out how they’re meant to. I hope🤣

Thank you. How old is your son now?
I would consider doing it alone but I do have a partner so seems silly to go it alone whenever there is someone there but I think having a child with someone is so risky too

He’s only 4. So still very young.

This.