I met this man several years ago through work and then joining a shared online gaming group. From early on there was mutual emotional intensity and deep intellectual/creative connection — we shared writing, philosophy, game worlds, and personal struggles. I was (and am) married in an open relationship, with one child; he is married in a monogamous one. Over time, we developed a strong bond, and while he repeatedly denied romantic or sexual interest, and I made it clear I respected his choices and his marriage, he made comments and engaged in behaviours that were suggestive (e.g., intimate language, physical comfort in grief, hints about attraction, and once sexual talk about specific acts). This blurred the lines. I also crossed boundaries once — I sent a topless photo during a period of intense sexual conversation — I regret this deeply, I acknowledged it was wrong and apologised for that, he didn't seem to mind at the time but brought it up when angry later on.
Throughout the friendship, he alternated between warmth/intimacy and sudden withdrawal. These withdrawals happened twice at critical moments for me — first, just after my brother’s suicide, and later after a period of reconnection — leaving me feeling abandoned while highly vulnerable. The first time, he left knowing I was suicidal; I later attempted suicide. He cited his wife’s discomfort as the reason for leaving. He came back with rules from her for our interaction which I accepted. The second time, he said my repeated raising of past hurt was “attacking” him.
He often said he “shouldn’t be held to anything he said,” which made it impossible to fully trust his words or apologies. We reconnected more than once. During these periods he sometimes expressed accountability (“I pushed you down to save myself. I was wrong”) and made efforts to repair. But these phases would give way to defensiveness, minimising, DARVO tactics, and shifting blame back onto me — for example, saying I was ungrateful or humiliating him. He could be combative when I raised discomfort, even though he had previously encouraged my vulnerability.
The relationship became a cycle: he would offer emotional closeness and even say he needed me, then undermine safety with defensiveness or sudden withdrawal. I loved him deeply, I admit, though I knew we could not be together, and felt an intense physical and emotional pull, but also experienced deep mistrust, confusion, and harm to my mental health.
We are now no-contact, but I miss the creativity, intimacy, and shared world we had. At the same time, I recognise the repeated pattern of instability and emotional harm, and I’m struggling to reconcile those two realities. I need my energy back for my family and I'm angry and ashamed with myself. I don't know how to get unstuck.