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Relationships

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Original poster

AIBU to want to have sex?

23 replies

FancyBacon · 14/08/2025 19:51

Please go somewhat easy on me, my mental health is really poor at the moment.

A couple of months ago, it dawned on me that my partner is just not attracted to me. He claims he is but I realise he’s just trying not to hurt my feelings. Lots of signs since the beginning of the relationship, things I had overlooked or ignored. It isn’t a surprise, I am extremely unattractive but have always looked like this, I haven’t changed since the start of the relationship.

I have what I’d consider to be a relatively healthy sex drive, but since this realisation I have been lacking the self confidence to initiate sex. He does not initiate so if it’s not me, it’s never.

The query is, if I do somehow muster the confidence to initiate again, is it ok to do so knowing he isn’t attracted to me? It somewhat feels unethical, like morally wrong to encourage someone to engage in sex knowing full well that they aren’t really into it?

If it is ok, how do I improve my self confidence enough to get back to a point where I can initiate?

Thank you

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/08/2025 19:53

What makes you think he’s not attracted to you if your appearance hasn’t changed?

Mrsttcno1 · 14/08/2025 19:55

I couldn’t think of anything worse than having sex with someone knowing they didn’t want to have sex with me, so I’d say don’t do it OP. The thought that he was only doing it out of some sense of duty would completely put me off.

I’d suggest it is relationship ending if a sex life is still important to you, which is totally okay.

peacetree · 14/08/2025 19:56

Sounds like you need a new man or just stay single and work on yourself.
What makes you think he dont fancy you anymore if it was or is true why are you still with him.

Lavender14 · 14/08/2025 20:03

I think you need to consider whether this relationship is serving you both right now. It sounds like your mental wellbeing is in a low place and my suspicion is that you have a tendency to be very hard on yourself and have low self esteem. I think I'd be getting counselling and speaking to my gp for support in the first instance if you haven't already, and then using that space and support to build your confidence and explore whether or not your relationship is working for you. That way you have support around you if you decide to end things, or with the right support you'll maybe have a different, healthier perspective on things and you'll be able to work on the relationship together.

I think it's totally reasonable for you to want to have sex, you've communicated with your partner who has explicitly told you they are attracted to you and want to be with you so no I don't think there's an issue in you having sex in that respect, but on a personal level it sounds like you aren't in a good enough place to be able to be intimate and vulnerable without maybe worrying about it later or feeling conflicted about it because of how you perceive yourself.

I personally would take all pressure off yourself in that regard. Start purely with being affectionate in small ways and prioritising your self care, creating routines that build your mood up and professional support. Then you can gradually push yourself with a support network as you feel comfortable and more confident doing so. Either the relationship will improve as you feel more confident about yourself or it won't and you'll know it wasn't right for you anyway.

HelpMeRonda · 14/08/2025 20:03

Maybe your partner thinks that he is unattractive and he is waiting for you to initiate as he is afraid of being rejected.

It's probably best that you split up and go your separate ways to new relationships where you'll probably recreate the exact same situation.

Or maybe, this is going to sound crazy, but maybe you could try talking to him?

shuggles · 14/08/2025 20:16

@FancyBacon The query is, if I do somehow muster the confidence to initiate again, is it ok to do so knowing he isn’t attracted to me? It somewhat feels unethical, like morally wrong to encourage someone to engage in sex knowing full well that they aren’t really into it?

This may be controversial, but I do not believe men are affected or harmed by unwanted physical contact the same way that women are.

When I have had unwanted physical contact from women, I have been slightly annoyed about it briefly, but afterwards, I would never think about it.

So basically, I don't think that trying to initiate physical contact with your male partner is a bad thing. The worst thing that will happen is that he will say no.

Coconutter24 · 14/08/2025 20:45

Why did he start a relationship with you in the first place if he wasn’t attracted to you? He said he does find you attractive so why isn’t that good enough for you, why do you think he’s lying to save your feelings?

Original poster

FancyBacon · 14/08/2025 20:57

For those asking why I believe he is not attracted to me -

In the beginning, I asked him why he didn’t initiate, he told me he had a low libido as a result of medication he was taking, I then found out he wasn’t taking anything.
I’ve tried talking sexually with him over messaging, which would fall very flat. I discussed this with him and he told me he found it “cringey”. This didn’t make me feel great but he assured me he finds it cringey with everyone. It then transpired that he has actively engaged and initiated this kinda thing with multiple women just before we get together. So I’m unsure if he truly does find it cringey with everyone which doesn’t seem likely, or it’s just cringey with me.
He never initiates sex.
When we would have sex, he wouldn’t touch me/have any interest in pleasuring me. I discussed this with him and explained I’d like that, he promised he would but then wouldn’t. We’d have the same conversation. again, the same outcome.
Anytime we do have sex, there is just this sense that he is not into it.

Perhaps someone could shed some light on this, perhaps I’m wide of the mark.

OP posts:

Rattyandtoad · 14/08/2025 21:02

Honestly I think you sound caring and loving and like you may very well be excellent in bed and attuned to your partner's needs. He sounds like he is shit in bed and not interested in being better. Yuck.

PermanentTemporary · 14/08/2025 21:05

I think really none of what’s going on with him has very much to do with you. It’s him. But it’s making you feel terrible.

Talk to him. See if there’s a way to start sharing something positive together? More connection might help.

dogcatkitten · 14/08/2025 21:08

Perhaps he does have a very low libido and made up the medication as an excuse. Would he go to a GP to get his hormone levels checked? Or there are online places that would be anonymous and prescribe things like testosterone.

Jellywobbles2 · 14/08/2025 21:11

I think you need to leave him. It’s definitely a ‘him’ problem not you! He sounds selfish.

Original poster

FancyBacon · 14/08/2025 21:30

I don’t want to leave him. I love him a lot and he’s a great guy, the rest of the relationship bar the sexual element is great.

I do miss having sex and I’m struggling with it, I’m extremely frustrated. I’m 29 years old and I’m very worried that I won’t ever get to have sex again where I’m comfortable and feel like my partner wants to be doing it.
But realistically, this situation is likely to happen with anyone, it’s extremely unlikely I’d find someone that is actually attracted to me and I’m not willing to leave him to take the risk of finding out what I already know.

OP posts:

Gymbunny2025 · 14/08/2025 21:32

Just leave him. This will destroy your confidence and it’s much better to have sex with someone enthusiastic about it!! Out of interest why do you think he wanted to be in a relationship with you (if not for sex or attraction)?

Picklechicken · 14/08/2025 21:33

Whether he finds you attractive or not probably has very little to do with anything if he genuinely has a low libido.

Mewling · 14/08/2025 21:40

Christ almighty, what a miserable life. Why on earth would you stay with him? He sounds awful!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 14/08/2025 21:55

You need to leave him. He’s not a great guy if he’s making you feel so miserable. You’re so young! You’ve got years to find someone who’ll enthusiastically have a fantastic loving, sexual relationship with you. Don’t waste any more time. Leave. Now!

Gymbunny2025 · 14/08/2025 22:02

Ps I’ve no idea what you look like. You might be gorgeous but with zero self esteem. But however you look, a lot of men really aren’t that fussy. Not nearly as fussy as we are. You being 29 and wanting sex probably already has men DMing you 😂

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/08/2025 22:03

Sorry OP but he’s not a great guy if he doesn’t care about your pleasure during sex. You will just continue to be miserable and resentful and that’s not going to make a good relationship.

Lavender14 · 14/08/2025 22:28

If his libido is so low that he feels he needs to lie about medication and its affecting the relationship then he needs to go to the gp for an MOT. If he refuses then to be honest for me the relationship would be in trouble because he was either refusing to take steps to look after himself and address it, or that's not the issue and he isn't being honest. An ex used to be like this but he had issues with excessive porn use. Would that be a possibility?

WallaceinAnderland · 15/08/2025 00:34

Anytime we do have sex, there is just this sense that he is not into it.

That's because he's clearly not into it. Your choice is to either accept that and stay with him anyway or end the relationship and look for someone more compatible.

AgentJohnson · 15/08/2025 03:23

Oh dear, how would having sex with someone who you are convinced doesn’t find you sexually attractive, going to help your mh?

CrimsonGlaze · 15/08/2025 06:07

I don't think it's that he's not attracted to you.

Here's a few potential reasons why he's not into sex with you:

He's addicted to porn and prefers a wank and or is homosocial.
He's gay or bi.
He's cheating on you.
He's still in love with an ex.
He's a narcissist and deliberately withholding intimacy to unsettle and degrade you.
He's asexual/has a low sex drive.

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