Do things like this happen in real life?

[LovingGreenCritic]

Firstly, I’m a man (60s) and am asking for some opinions on the behaviour of a long standing friend of mine (also a man - J, now ex friend.) J came down to visit me to go to a gig. We were joined by a female friend of mine (C), who J had met briefly once and they got chatting. After a few minutes, may be five, C came up to me and said she had to get away from him because he’d talked about how his wife hadn’t slept with him in decades, he’d groped her and tried to put his hand down her jeans in a dark corner of the venue. Apparently, his wife knows and she doesn’t mind. C and I left the gig and went to our separate homes. The next morning I tried to talk to J about the incident and was blanked - just stared at me. He went back home.

Since this incident I’ve seen J and his wife and found it uncomfortable. They seem to have taken against me (40 yr old friendship.)

Do you think his wife knows and condones his behaviour or does she not know? I’ve heard rumours on and off for years prior to the incident about him visiting prostitutes in Amsterdam and found it hard to believe (family man, academic, father a seemingly stand up guy), now I think I do.

I’d never contact his wife to tell her, but I’m intrigued - do some wives not bother about infidelity and lying? How do men do this?

Of course his wife doesn't know he's sexually assaulting women.

I wouldn't class sexually assaulting someone as infidelity. Has C spoken to you about that since?

Certainly does happen in real life.

He is a very unpleasant man. Thank goodness C had the strength to get away from him & also to tell you - now you know what he is really like. He is a liar, a cheat and a criminal.

He has told his wife some story about why you're no longer friends, putting you in the wrong & pre-mitigating the possibility you might tell his wife about his behaviour.

He probably tried to poison her mind against you somehow, in case you did tell her what he did. So he's probably made up some tale about you and your behaviour to justify keeping a distance.

He wasn't unfaithful. He sexually assaulted your friend. Those two things aren't remotely similar, which is concerning I have reiterate to you, but hey ho.

He is scum. You should support your female friend in going to the police. And don't talk to him ever again.

Exactly this.

I’d take the opportunity to back away from this friendship. He sounds absolutely horrible.

Sorry, im a bit confused here, a friend told you she'd been sexually assaulted, you asked him about it and he didnt deny it or react horrified and literally just stared at you, and you have... seen him again? And your concern is if his wife knows he's unfaithful or not? He attacked your friend!

Aren’t they? If you are in a monogamous relationship, surely touching anyone else sexually, whether wanted or not, is infidelity?

His wife doesn't know. He is the type of man who thinks it's okay to lie to women as long as it gets him what he wants. You can gently try to alert the wife, but I doubt she will want to hear it. It would still be the decent thing to do to at least give her the information on who she is really married to.

Yes, men might may look like upstanding people to other men or even to women they're not attracted to and project an imagine of a moral family man. All while being an absolute creep
One of the many reasons some sexual assault victims aren't believed, because that man couldn't possibly have done something like that, cause he's 'such a good man'
They know they're doing something wrong that's why they hide it from everyone else

I’m sorry but you need some home truths here. You have minimised this incident to an obscene extent. You are more concerned with if your friends wife accepts his “infidelity” then the fact that YOUR FRIEND sexually assaulted a woman. The only appropriate action for you to take is to actively call this man out and yes that means informing his wife. If you just stand by and do nothing then YOU are part of the problem and are contributing to a society where rape culture is not only prevalent but accepted.

Intrigued? You should be utterly appalled. Do better!

He told you his wife doesn't mind if he sexually assaults other women? Which part of that seems plausible or relevant to you? I hope you have supported C to report to the police should she wish to.

This!

Yeah right. His wife doesn't mind him sexually assaulting other women or paying sex workers. She either doesn't know or (less likely) she chooses to stay with him for a number of reasons. But trust me - she minds. She minds very much. As for blanking you - you know too much now. You're likely to blab to his wife.

@LovingGreenCritic his wife probably knows he goes with other women and probably is fine with that (some people are, some are not, maybe she’s glad she doesn’t have to have him touch her). She probably doesn’t know he forces himself on them. And yes, as others have said, he’s fed her crap about something or other, painting you as a bad guy.

Sorry but infidelity implies consent from both parties. Raping or SA someone is much more serious than infidelity. They're committing crime.