Dealing with a pessimist

[Catastrophichusband]

NC for this.

My DH loves to think the worst of things. It's draining and frustrating when he gets into a thought about something. (Which is not all the time).

His current issue is that DS will not get a job when he leaves Uni next summer, he will be back at home doing nothing (or gaming) for the rest of his life, that noone will ever give him a job of any kind.

He rationalizes his argument with the fact DS never had a part time job, looks alternative, is part of the LGBTQ+ community.

DS had top grades throughout school and is likely to get a 2:1 in an academic subject from a v good Uni. He's been actively involved with societies and events throughout his time and Uni has been a successful experience. He has a plan for after Uni. He has good friends (but quite a narrow community).

Of course, there is a possibility DH is right and this will occur, it's in the future, who knows, anything could happen? He might achieve his goals. He might take another path altogether. I don't know yet.

I explain to DH that there are lots of positives too, there is no point worrying about things that haven't happened and we have no idea if they will or not. I discourage him from speaking negatively to our son. DH says I am ignoring what's in front of me and he is just being a realist.

Any tips for dealing with a pessimistic person? Sometimes I wonder if he needs to get some anti depressants! I have suggested counselling to talk things over but he doesn't see any point, he says he just needs to prepare himself for his son's failure (& I should too). DH just wants him to be 'normal', which is unlikely based on DH's definition of normal.

He's catastrophising. He'd probably really benefit from challenging his thoughts via CBT. He can do a free online CBT course called Beating the Blues and CBT worksheets are available to download online. Headspace is a good meditation app.

That sounds awful. I hope he doesn't talk like that in front of your son. There's no reason to think your son won't be successful, he's done well so far. Maybe he'll stay on to do further study if he's highly academic. If he needs work experience, universities sometimes have paid graduate internship schemes within the uni, and they all have paid jobs for students eg open day stewards, events staff etc. That's useful to show employers something outside study.

Agree, thank you.
Not sure how to convince him that these thoughts can be helped though, he just thinks they are realistic and not problematic.

My advice to myself has been to try to live your life as if the worst outcome isn’t going to happen (e.g if you have been in a negative mindset and talking yourself out of something you might want to do)
using mentalisaton techniques- there are lots of things on line

and
Allow others the freedom to make their own choices - focus on your own actions and not everyone else’s

Thanks Evie, I agree with your strategies.
But DH wouldn't agree with them, he feels it is better to prepare, mentally at least, for the worst case scenario.
Perhaps I should take your 2nd piece of (good) advice and leave him to it! (Which is what I usually do to a large extent, just had a moment today of wondering if I should try to intervene).

I am fortunate in that things seem to fall out of my head very quickly and I can’t maintain worry much! But I improved on even this by realising (at a difficult point in life) I needed to conserve all energy for when any awful event happened- I could never predict the outcomes, always wrong, but always something! But I maintained sanity and energy by not predicting (pointless when it was always something different and unexpected) or worrying, but being very hands on and focussed when necessary.
I do though have a family of worriers/over thinkers though my mum used to say, ‘you die if you worry, you die if you don’t’ so it’s pointless I guess that means but didn’t really work for her!
If I’m listening to ‘worries’ I try to ask what is so dreadful about the worst outcome, what can they do to impact the outcome and is it worth doing or accepting they won’t find it worth doing. Got to say nothing stops them that I try, though maybe therapy? Or distractions such as oh we need to do … so they have to think of something else. In the end, and as it’s only meet ups/phone calls usually I just half listen and say mmm mostly to save getting dragged into more circular and useless discussions (for all of us). And often, nearly always, people don’t want anything to be fixed they just want to say their story of the moment so just hearing it rather than helping is conversely the best help.
I’m fortunately living alone so do get plenty of respite - it is so draining for you that all I can really suggest is ensuring you have downtime away from it if your husband has decided/can’t help but to focus on this. I mean like go for a bath, go out to the shop even - just a mental break plus don’t absorb his info just nod along - that is hard in the same house I know.
I can’t even imagine worrying about next summer - I would think so much could change right upto winning the lottery or down to WW3!! But lack of worry involves lack of prep too or irresponsibility so it’s not all good - perhaps ask hubby what he plans to do if this happens so he can at least feel prepared and worry slightly less, or as above just let him say it over and over until it’s worked out if his system.
It is hard when you’re on different pages re worrying I think but he’s ok talking it out, so just make sure you are ok too.