Partner not able to talk about everything

[PhoebeBird05]

I've been with my partner for nearly 4 years. We have a good relationship and I know we're right for each other.

They had some difficulties in their past and for many years (before we met) have been part of a support group where they can talk about any feelings that brings up, or just listen to others.

From very early on in our relationship I made clear to them that they could talk about anything they wanted with me. I also said that I realized there may be some things they wouldn't initially want to talk about with me, but that I would be here whenever they decided they wanted to. They thanked me and said they appreciated my stance.

It's now 4 years later and I'm still in a situation where they mention to me some feelings or memories had been brought up by something, I ask if they would like to talk it through with me and they say no. They'll talk about it with their group instead. It seems to have come up a little more often in the last few months and I can't deny it does hurt a bit. I've not said anything directly and I'm not sure if I should. I'm glad they're getting so much from their support group and would never dream of asking them to step away from that.

I really just want to ask them when (if ever) I'm going to be someone they feel they can talk about anything with. I got to that position with them long ago. Should I press this issue (and if so how), or do I just resign myself to the fact that there are some things they will probably never want to talk to me about?

I don’t see the issue here to be honest, I think it’s normal and healthy to have different support systems for different things and to not rely on one person for every need.

We have a good relationship and I know we're right for each other.

4 years on and he’s not opening up to you at all? I wouldn’t be so sure

Hell no you should not press the issue beyond the pressing you have already done!

I'm not talking about taking away the support system they have. I'm glad it's there and I'm glad they go so much from it. I completely agree relying on one person for everything isn't healthy.

I just want to know when, or if, they may be willing to share with me (their partner who they live with and share a life with) some of the things that up to now they only want to talk about with their support group. I want to help alongside their support system, not in place of it.

I felt the same as you with my ex. He’d go to a weekly group and talk there but he’d never share his feelings with me, or what was said. I didn’t ask. I felt the confidentiality of the group was important. But you can’t just talk to strangers and shut your loved ones out.

It comes down to trust. He didn’t trust me or the relationship enough to open up, even though plenty of other people confide in me both personally and professionally, so I know the problem wasn’t me, but he wouldn’t.

It makes you doubt the security of the relationship when it’s only surface level. You’re not really committed if you can’t discuss how you’re feeling.

Ultimately his appalling communication and associated behaviour led to me leaving. If he’d opened up and learned to communicate better that might have been avoided. And I expect a lot of what he’d say I already knew. But he didn’t want to and I just wasn’t important enough to him.

You can’t force your partner to talk, but the feeling of being unaware of a partners worries could lead to the end of it.

I think that’s a you thing though. He may not want or need to share that with you and that’s okay. You can want to help, he can decide that actually he doesn’t want your help with this particular thing- that is okay.

He gets to decide what support he needs/wants, not you.

Please don't be jealous of your loved-one's support group!
Even when we are partnered, we still have a right to some privacy.

Maybe your partner is worried that if they share some things from the past you may feel differently about them, or look at them differently or even be completely turned off by whatever it is and they are trying to move past that in this relationship but still need to talk and think through it somewhere where it won't cause damage.

Please don't push or they'll clam up even tighter. They'll talk when/if they want to. You can't demand someone confides in you.

I hated it when my ex did that, it was so intrusive. If someone is trying to rebuild or reinvent themselves, hounding them won't help. You'll drive them away. Wait for them come to you.